Venting I have everything that I don't deserve

[Dr1na]

Hi.
I have been recently thinking how useless I am in regards to all fronts. See, this is the short summary. In the past 6 months I have: moved to liva alone in another country to start my college, living alone, been spending extensive online time with my best friend from the town I am originaly from (6h away), she became my gf recently and I love her to death.

Now, the problem is, I have opened up to her like to no one else and she has been the greatest support I have ever had. But when she has some issues in life and I try to help her, I just make it worse. Either I insult her in some way, or bring up some ugly opinion, or disregard the significance of her problem despite my best intentions.

Because of this I feel horrible, Like I dont deserve her nor anything that I have in my life, Suicidal toughts haven't been a part of me for a long time, and now they started to appear again. Because of this I reach out to you. If you have any advice or tips please do share them. I am litteraly stuck and my heart aches physically and emotionally every living day

 

[Young.Werther]

I know the feeling, sometimes it seems the best thing you can do for someone is to get out of their way/life. I don't really know what would help. I tend to isolate myself so I don't hurt anyone.

It sounds like you found some peace at least for a while — how did that happen?

 

[Dr1na]

Thanks for the reply, hope you are doing good.

Well, I would not exactly call it peace. I decided maybe 6 years ago that I would isolate myself from feeling any negative emotions. I tucked it all away. By doing this I also tucked away any positive emotions. I felt like a vessel for a long time. This way of handling stress and despair led to me breaking down a couple of months ago. Everything that had built up over those years came to light again and it destroyed me. I am somehow coping but I do not know if I will be able to do that indefinitely. Yesterday, I wrote a good bye letter. I don't know why. I was shaking while writing it. I dont plan to "go" anywhere in the near future. I just wanted to have it "just in case". This is kind of scaring me. Because I think that at some point it will be the only choice.

 

[Young.Werther]

i don't have the answer, but I have an idea I've been thinking about (or some related ideas). One is to disclose. At some time when you're stable, go to the person and say here's the deal and explain the stuff you said. Then you can give her the option to leave or stay, and if she chooses to stay, then you have informed consent. This doesn't give you leeway to do whatever, but that way she knows what to expect and can make a proper decision. Of course she might decide to leave. This sucks, but I think of it like this: friends are special because friendship is a choice. You have to choose to keep someone around. The thing is, it wouldn't be special if this wasn't a real choice, so the ability to walk away is built in. It also hurts, but you also have the knowledge that she's happier than she would be otherwise once she makes her decision.

That's one idea I had. The other is to go and say that you want some space (at least for a while). You can explain why (or not) and try to figure out what you want. If you decide to CTB then you exit forever and you have (hopefully) minimized damage. If you decide to recover, then once you've made decent progress you can pick up the relationship again (hopefully at least).

Like I said, I know the feeling and have thought about it a lot. If you have other ideas I'd love to hear.