Venting I have become crazy

[gooblet]

I though I would never say this but... I have become one of those people in straight-jackets you see in movies. Not physically but mentally. At first I wanted to ctb because of the sadness and pain i felt, just like many people with depression I was sad and couldn't get out of bed. But now... there is no sadness. Well sometimes I cry but don't feel anything. My world is a fog and the days join together. I am not exactly thinking but more doing from impulse most of the time. I still have my thoughts but my body is on autopilot. I have just had a 2 week holiday by myself. Alone. I was trapped with my own thoughts. Nobody can kill my but my own thoughts can. I started playing a lot more music. I have never liked classical but for some reason i had the urge to play any piece i could get my hands on. And the notes... They talk to me, they tell me everything is going to be ok... It has been a long time since i played music because depression made me loose joy in doing everything. I still don't exactly enjoy it i just talk to it in my own way. I find it quite scary when i do it because it's like those people who sit in the corner, hugging themselfs while talking to themselfs in these white rooms but i am talking through music. Today was my first day back from my holiday and i am completely different. Instead of sad and lonely i am just alone. And instead of mental pain it is more a mental migrane , not physically just a whirring pain somewhere that i can't touch. My mind wanders alone and before i talked to people openly but now the cuts on my wrists are the only thing that tell me i'm not ok.

It has scared me on what i have become....