Venting I have a right not to have hope

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I hadn't felt the necessity to vent or come post here since I was collecting my thoughts a lot, reconsidering, I still kinda am, nobody can be decisive about ctb quickly, and I'm no exception, however it's been torture going back and forth between real consideration/planning/decision and listening to those who love you/trying to believe their promises when they say "it'll be alright"


it's so painful. my physical pain has been so irritating and my health condition has been difficult to control, I think I'm going anemic again and I'm skipping meals again too. I feel so disoriented however because I haven't done any of my responsibilities for days, and just been distracting myself and spending my time with my s/o, they bring me comfort, but it's scary to think it's kind of temporary because all of my issues often overshadow/overcome their love and affection, which hurts. I want to take a toll on my life and make changes but I'm rather paranoid/aware than simply scared of being disappointed again. because recently things took a bad turn, just as I expected. which is why I can't trust anything anymore, because I know how things around me work and things I don't have control over make my life so hard to live. I want to trust my family members and I love having chats with them because we get along but in the end they do something hurtful to remind me I can't trust them, that makes me want to hurt myself badly. I don't know what to do..

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, it really is one of the worst things about existing here how what we go through can very easily just get much worse with little that we can do about it. Existing is something that is so incredibly harmful after all and is filled with unlimited potential to suffer. But anyway, life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and it sounds really tiring what you have to endure, I wish you the best.