Venting I Hate The Abled.

[Illegal Preclear]

I actually HATE them. I've never been able to live a normal, productive life because it's always been me vs. them. I was born with multiple mental disabilities and learned from my first memories that the neurotypical, Abled people around me want to drain every ounce of suffering out of me. I would have been better off being born in Germany in the 1930s than in the United States in 1989. The National Socialist Party would have just thrown me in a gas chamber and been done with me. I'd be fine with that. But not this. Not being psychologically tortured by a beyond sadistic mental health system that has traumatized me for 35 years and stripped me of all my human rights. Not having the words "GET HELP" spat at me by beyond sadistic neurotypical, Able people just for trying to engage with people and things and just exists.

I'm venting right now because 2024 is the year I've decided to CTB, and I've POSSIBLY devised the dream CTB plan I've had since I was 17. It involved asking Reddit a question about obtaining a certain thing (I know, Reddit is a normie cesspool), and I got reported to "Care Resources" for the 20,000th time. It's a stupid thing to get worked up over, I know - but things like that are a way for the neurotypical, Abled little cockroaches of the world to put my Disabled ass 'in my place.'

One of many reasons I need to CTB is that I have too much HATE in my soul to ever be happy. I see these Abled cockroaches that have beaten me into submission and stripped me of all my human rights and I want to see something happen to them that makes them like me. I want to see them get into a hideous car wreck AND NOT DIE, but sooo much worse - have a piece of metal pierce them through the skull in such a matter that they have the same level of brain damage I have.

I promised myself I wouldn't let my more hateful side show on this forum, as it would reflect poorly on me, but I'm just burning up right now. Besides, I don't want anyone to die - I just want them to become like me. I want them to lose everything they hold dear and be gaslit to think it's their own fault. I want them to become Disabled in the same ways I am and locked in a cell for it for a month being psychologically tortured to the point they don't know which way is up anymore.

It's perfectly okay when the Abled do it to me? Is it so wrong of me to want to see it work the other way around for once?

 

[Save_Me_Mind]

I know this isn't a great response, but... I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain... I too dislike those who are normal, those who fit in with society and can breeze through life without any issue... I hope you find peace...

 

[Illegal Preclear]

It's a fine response. I'd take less issue with the neurotypical, Abled masses if they didn't degrade me at every turn and strip my human rights away. They can't help that they were born 'normal', but they could choose to empathize if they wanted to. They could choose to HELP the Disabled if they wanted to. They choose to HURT them instead.

 

[4_science]

Why do you call neurotypicals abled? Does that mean, as a neurodiverse person, you are less able or dysfunctional/ disabled because of a label? I know the label exists in society. That doesn´t make it right though.

It is nor right what people have done to you and how they made you feel.

You are not damaged goods because you are neurodiverse. Your brain is just wired differently. I wish someday people will think of neurotypical and neurodiverse as a symbiosis to complete and benefit from one another as enrichment. We might not live to see that but I think the base line is set. Neurotypicals can´t do without neurodiverse in society, since we are a lot of times highly functional. They have to deal with us and they need us to keep the work flow going etc.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

Why do you call neurotypicals abled? Does that mean, as a neurodiverse person, you are less able or dysfunctional/ disabled because of a label? I know the label exists in society. That doesn´t make it right though.

It is nor right what people have done to you and how they made you feel.

You are not damaged goods because you are neurodiverse. Your brain is just wired differently. I wish someday people will think of neurotypical and neurodiverse as a symbiosis to complete and benefit from one another as enrichment. We might not live to see that but I think the base line is set. Neurotypicals can´t do without neurodiverse in society, since we are a lot of times highly functional. They have to deal with us and they need us to keep the work flow going etc.

It's considered a spectrum for a reason - it's varying degrees of severity. I have Autism, but that's not the crux of the issue. I have late stage Schizophrenia coupled with Autoimmune Disease which leaves me with Executive Dysfunction and mental capacity like that of a Dementia patient. I've been forcibly drugged by Psychiatrists which left me with brain damaged, on top of sustained brain damage from being over medicated. Like I said in my post - I was forced into the Psychiatric system from the time I was a toddler and basically psychologically tortured my entire childhood and adulthood.

Just because you are on the functional end of the spectrum does not mean others are, and just because Psychiatry/Psychology/Therapy has worked for you doesn't mean it hasn't irrevocably destroyed people's lives (I'm certainly not alone in that on this board, cases like mine are disgustingly common, especially in the state I live in.

I've literally watched Psychiatrists in the state I live promise 18-22 year olds Disability income and housing if they get Electroshock - and then watched them come out of Electroshock worse and worse until they couldn't even speak anymore and were just banging their heads against walls. I've seen Psychiatrists ridicule girls for being raped. I've seen Psychiatrists brainwash people in real time.

A lot of it has to do with the state I live in being the Capital of the US pharmaceutical industry, so the laws are set up so Big Pharma R&D teams have free reign to use human beings, both adults and children, as lab rats.

Very bad things deserve to happen to a lot of people in this state. Things I won't put in writing.

 

[wiinterfrost]

can relate to this on some level. sorry that you have to suffer like this.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I know this isn't a great response, but... I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain... I too dislike those who are normal, those who fit in with society and can breeze through life without any issue... I hope you find peace...

To be honest, no one is "normal" and most people cannot fit into society. People only believe that most people do because we are so caught up in our own problems that we forget that others are also struggling as well.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

To be honest, no one is "normal" and most people cannot fit into society. People only believe that most people do because we are so caught up in our own problems that we forget that others are also struggling as well.

I know "normal" is a wide, wide spectrum and yes, everyone has their own problems, but there is a delineation between Abled and Disabled, and I've been denied fundamental human rights because of my Disabilities. People who are a little quirky don't have to deal with that. If I was just a little bit quirky and didn't really fit in, I could legally purchase a gun right now and have a quick, painless CTB. But I can't. Because years ago Psychiatrists marked on my permanent medical record that I was "a danger to others" because I have Schizophrenia - despite the fact I have a clean criminal record and have never been in a violent altercation in my life.

I'm regarded on the same level as a criminal while having committed zero crimes in my life. I will never get my constitutional rights back.

People who are a little bit quirky don't lose their constitutional rights. Disabled people do.

 

[KillingPain267]

I have scoliosis (curved spine) and I remember as a teenager I always hated seeing the long straight strong backs of my classmates. Now that I am somewhat mentally disabled a bit (depression and anxiety) I am starting to despise someone who hops around in a jolly mood nearby me.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

I know "normal" is a wide, wide spectrum and yes, everyone has their own problems, but there is a delineation between Abled and Disabled, and I've been denied fundamental human rights because of my Disabilities. People who are a little quirky don't have to deal with that. If I was just a little bit quirky and didn't really fit in, I could legally purchase a gun right now and have a quick, painless CTB. But I can't. Because years ago Psychiatrists marked on my permanent medical record that I was "a danger to others" because I have Schizophrenia - despite the fact I have a clean criminal record and have never been in a violent altercation in my life.

I'm regarded on the same level as a criminal while having committed zero crimes in my life. I will never get my constitutional rights back.

People who are a little bit quirky don't lose their constitutional rights. Disabled people do.

That IS really messed up you can't have a gun, I agree that this is total nonsense.

 

[LocalAngel]

I very heavily relate. I'm told that i'm "complicated" by literally every doctor. There are so many things happening to me that no one can truly explain, but i am simply told to "get help". And yet despite trying to get help for over 8 years now, i've been nothing but fucked over repeatedly. I actively distrust neurotypical people at a baseline- they have to earn that trust.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

That IS really messed up you can't have a gun, I agree that this is total nonsense.

I've thought and raged about it every day for the past 8 years. That was going to be MY METHOD. If you gave me the choice of Legal Euthanasia or a .357 Magnum right now, I would choose the Magnum. It's how I've pictured myself going out since I was 15. And you know what? I NEVER spoke a word of that to a therapist, psychologist, Psychiatrist, or even a helpline. I learned from the age 6 you NEVER tell the Psychs what's really on your mind.

And I repeat, I was NOT labeled a 'danger to myself' or 'suicidal'. I was PERMANENTLY labeled 'a danger to others'. They made me into a f*cking monster, despite the fact I had never broken the law or been in a violent altercation in my life. It extends far beyond just my 2nd Amendment rights - I was informed the police in my town have a "file" on me.

Do you know what that means? That means if a gang of men break in my house and s*xually assault me tonight, I can't call for help. I'd be accused of hallucinating the whole thing and sent to a Psychiatric Ward. Which is something that has ACTUALLY happened to several young women I've met in Psychiatric Hospitals. If I get in a car wreck - I'm automatically at fault no matter what the situation is. I can't even get help for any physical issues because any doctor that looks up my medical records will see all those red flags, all those literal hundreds of pages of falsified reports by Psychs, and they'll assume my problems are psychosomatic (happened to me many times.)

So no one can blame me if I don't want to hear how people on the lighter end of the neuroatypical spectrum have perfectly functional lives and it's a-okay being a little bit quirky. That's great for you. You don't have to live with your human rights stripped away because you've been labeled a "likely mass sh**ter." Those on the lighter end of the spectrum are looked on as 'different not less' in our ever so enlightened times. I'm looked at as Dylan Roof meets Richard Ramirez. Schizophrenia is a very different beast from Autism. And I was born with both.

Schizophrenia is not only an INNER HELL, it makes the world around you an OUTER HELL. You are burning in Hell both within and without and it is a living scream your throat raw nightmare you can never wake up from until you're dead.

 

[thealteredmind]

just going to tell you this man: don't use reddit anymore! it sucks now.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I have scoliosis (curved spine) and I remember as a teenager I always hated seeing the long straight strong backs of my classmates. Now that I am somewhat mentally disabled a bit (depression and anxiety) I am starting to despise someone who hops around in a jolly mood nearby me.

Well, you certainly won't despise me, I've had a hard 'S' curve style scoliosis on my upper back that's given me a lot of chronic pain. Crooked legs too! Yeah, I was born with a lot of things wrong with me - drug babies aren't just born in poor urban areas - it's just as bad, if not worse, when your filthy subhuman mother can afford the GOOD drugs. Also if your family 'keeps it in the family', as wealthy families do more often than you think.

I very heavily relate. I'm told that i'm "complicated" by literally every doctor. There are so many things happening to me that no one can truly explain, but i am simply told to "get help". And yet despite trying to get help for over 8 years now, i've been nothing but fucked over repeatedly. I actively distrust neurotypical people at a baseline- they have to earn that trust.

Considering every neurotypical in my youth abandoned me - same. I say my youth because I haven't even made contact with neurotypicals in many years. A lot of that has to do with me not leaving my house for anything other than basic essentials for years, but I prefer to keep it that way. And for people who are pro-therapy/psychology/psychiatry - NOPE. We cannot be on good terms. You don't get to be okay with the people who destroyed my life from the age of 3 on and have me be okay with you. Would a person of color be okay with someone who was okay with the Klan? I don't think so. IMO pro-Psychiatry folks should remain quarantined in the Recovery forum. Staying in one's own lane and all that.

just going to tell you this man: don't use reddit anymore! it sucks now.

Oh Lord Almighty, I know. I was an idiot for even attempting to get basic practical advice. I was trying to find info on firearm ranges on a PRO 2nd Amendment board. I figured 'what could possibly go wrong?' And I still was metaphorically spat at in the eye. It's not even safe for me to go on Reddit, as I'm particularly easy to dox, as I've been doxxed many times over by Kiwi Farms, and I've had that information pulled up by Redditors and have had cops at my front door ready to take me to a Psychiatric Hospital. So yeah - I'm absolutely the idiot there, but I'm getting really desperate to have access to a firearm because it doesn't even scare me at all. Full suspension hanging - that I have the resources for, but it's a much scarier prospect than a good ol' fashioned bullet.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

Well, you certainly won't despise me, I've had a hard 'S' curve style scoliosis on my upper back that's given me a lot of chronic pain. Crooked legs too! Yeah, I was born with a lot of things wrong with me - drug babies aren't just born in poor urban areas - it's just as bad, if not worse, when your filthy subhuman mother can afford the GOOD drugs. Also if your family 'keeps it in the family', as wealthy families do more often than you think.


Considering every neurotypical in my youth abandoned me - same. I say my youth because I haven't even made contact with neurotypicals in many years. A lot of that has to do with me not leaving my house for anything other than basic essentials for years, but I prefer to keep it that way. And for people who are pro-therapy/psychology/psychiatry - NOPE. We cannot be on good terms. You don't get to be okay with the people who destroyed my life from the age of 3 on and have me be okay with you. Would a person of color be okay with someone who was okay with the Klan? I don't think so. IMO pro-Psychiatry folks should remain quarantined in the Recovery forum. Staying in one's own lane and all that.


Oh Lord Almighty, I know. I was an idiot for even attempting to get basic practical advice. I was trying to find info on firearm ranges on a PRO 2nd Amendment board. I figured 'what could possibly go wrong?' And I still was metaphorically spat at in the eye. It's not even safe for me to go on Reddit, as I'm particularly easy to dox, as I've been doxxed many times over by Kiwi Farms, and I've had that information pulled up by Redditors and have had cops at my front door ready to take me to a Psychiatric Hospital. So yeah - I'm absolutely the idiot there, but I'm getting really desperate to have access to a firearm because it doesn't even scare me at all. Full suspension hanging - that I have the resources for, but it's a much scarier prospect than a good ol' fashioned bullet.

""And for people who are pro-therapy/psychology/psychiatry - NOPE. We cannot be on good terms. You don't get to be okay with the people who destroyed my life from the age of 3 on and have me be okay with you. Would a person of color be okay with someone who was okay with the Klan? I don't think so. IMO pro-Psychiatry folks should remain quarantined in the Recovery forum. Staying in one's own lane and all that."

Hear, hear. A bunch of my posts got deleted by the mods on this thread (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...come-si-other-roadblocks-to-ctb.161587/page-2) , some of them with imo very insightful critiques of therapy. I do wish pro-mental "health" field types were quarantined on this site. It is like being forced to smile and be friendly with your rapist and pretend that you and they are on equal moral footing and worthiness and that they are blameless.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

Hear, hear. A bunch of my posts got deleted by the mods on this thread (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...come-si-other-roadblocks-to-ctb.161587/page-2) , some of them with imo very insightful critiques of therapy. I do wish pro-mental "health" field types were quarantined on this site. It is like being forced to smile and be friendly with your rapist and pretend that you and they are on equal moral footing and worthiness and that they are blameless.

I saw your thread! I thought it was a really interesting idea. While I don't thing DBT or CBT would overcome SI - meditation might be worth something. Not the weaksauce meditations therapists try and have you do, like serious ones, the way Shaolin Monks do. Of course I know those can't be easy lol. If you want to get really out there - maybe some form of hypnosis or self-hypnosis could help you overcome SI, but I'm just spitballing.

I think it's good this forum is split into Suicide Discussion and Recovery - and the Recovery folks are actually good about staying in their own lane. On this side of the forum, you'd be hardpressed to find anyone going to bat in defense of Psychiatry when there are a lot of horror stories here that mirror my own. It's why I rage so hard when Abled folks sing the praises of the mental health system when they themselves have never experienced it. They'll outright tell disabled people we didn't experience what we experienced. What they're really saying is "I wish you all were back in old school Asylums, out of our sight, out of our mind." They've built a world we cannot survive in, and then when we want out of it, they want us locked up in cells, forced to stay alive forcibly drugged. It's one evil to just want someone dead, it's another level of evil to want to torture someone. To make them suffer as hard as possible as long as possible. That's TRUE evil. Whether the Abled, the "normies" the privileged or whatever you want to call them are aware of that TRUE evil within them.

 

[SilentSadness]

It's understandable to be so frustrated at others, most people treat others very badly. Generally people don't mind if others suffer, especially on sites like Reddit where it's all about dominating some social hierarchy.

 

[TAW122]

I too have been neurodivergent, but also a plethora of other kinds of suffering as well, both from abled-bodied and non-able-bodied people as well. I blame my upbringing, my personality, and just the cards I was dealt with (just fwiw, I have been diagnosed to be on the spectrum despite high functioning). However, upon learning about the reality of sentience and life itself, life is just not worth the suffering and I too, have devised plans to exit sentience. The best time was before the pandemic when I was in better control overall of my circumstances and life, lived away from family, had some semblance of privacy and such. However, as of now, in my living situation, I felt trapped and such due to living with parents (in a post pandemic world). I often regret not making 2019 my last year alive and to be frank, I may have missed many milestones and experiences, but once I'm dead I couldn't be deprived of anything and cannot suffer anymore. It simply is not worth the fleeting moments of joy in a cesspool of prolonged mundanity and suffering.