I hate that I have to be the one to pull the trigger

[ikadasui]

I'm a coward. I'll look back at old conversations dating many, many fucking years, and nothing has changed. Only sustained by video games and maybe a few weeks or months of romantic interest with someone that ends in catastrophe for me. I want out, but the reality is i'm a fucking coward and can't do what needs to be done. It's gotten beyond bad, i'm a financial leech on my single mother, i'm ugly, weak, pathetic and abnormal in the most awful ways. There's nothing for me here but shame and inconvenience and the best thing I could do would be to take myself out! Hell, I practically have my mothers blessing as she agreed It would of been better if I had been aborted( I'm adopted and I'm glad she acknowledges my pain) so no hate to her. It's just fucking pathetic I can't do it. Truly fucking PATHETIC! i have a fucking 45 with jhp rounds right beside me so what the fuck am I waiting for? I know where not to aim to fuck this up so it's literally a done deal and it's the fastest method on the market won't even know it's happened, and yet i'm still a coward

 

[BipolarExpress]

If you're not ready, you're not ready. Survival instinct exists for a reason, even under extreme stress.

 

[brokensea]

You're not a coward. No one could ever be as bad as you think you are. Just take the time you need. Don't feel you have to do something you're not ready for. You have people here who care.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I think what you're perceiving as cowardly is actually bravery - something super tiny and barely perceptible is keeping you from pulling the trigger. I'm sorry that it's so painful but please don't judge yourself for having some fight left in you.

 

[jodes2]

It's no easy

 

[FuneralCry]

After all suicide can certainly be difficult for many people to actually go through with, but at least you have a method by your side for when the time is right for you to leave. But I do get that of course it can be tiring and frustrating feeling trapped in an existence that you hate that just causes you to suffer to such a great extent. Life does just seem to be endless problems and misery and of course it's better to never exist at all. It's cruel and tragic continuing to bring life here as if we never existed none of us would have to suffer and even think about ctb in the first place.

 

[Pluto]

It is saddening to see you in such distress. It sounds like you've been through neglect and/or abuse. Until you are clear about what people from your past have done to you, it is easy to fall into the trap of being very hard on yourself and feeling you are to blame for your situation. But you are not to blame for past abandonment, abuse, lacking guidance or lacking the love that you deserve. How could you be?

Often, suicides are murders in which the murder weapon is the victim's own hand.