sirenangelbby
Member
- Apr 4, 2023
- 14
at this point i genuinely feel disgusted by myself. and i'm not even talking about my physical appearance, just myself as a person i can't stand and i want to take a hammer and smash my head until i stop breathing. every interaction i've had with others has made me feel so worthless, and i've started to envy other people who are happy and have a seemingly "perfect" life. i'm extremely jealous of girls who have a boyfriend and have been with him for a long time and he seems to genuinely value her, even if they break up they'll get back together. all men i've ever been with, particularly the last one, have been extremely verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, with him literally telling me to start crying as he yelled at me as well as blaming me for him slapping me across the face because i "made him mad". now i'm about to sound really pathetic so please don't judge but this is the only place i can be completely honest and share all my thoughts. i've recently started to feel even worse about myself because i hear other girls saying how they went to get "closure" with their ex and they ended up sleeping together, and i've literally asked my ex if he wanted to do so and he said no, and now he just completely ignores me so i've given up trying. he used to be practically obsessed with me during our relationship and then broke up with me because of his family and suddenly didn't care about me anymore and was so cold towards me. i'm so repulsive to him that he doesn't even want to use me for my body. i know that's technically a "good" thing, but it's honestly made me feel more worthless because i feel like there's no use to me and he sees nothing positive about me and wants me dead which he's stated multiple times. he's told me he hopes i kill myself because i was posting screenshots of him being abusive towards me, and when i said that i was going to do it (i was about to but my parents came home suddenly) he completely ignored me and that's the last time i ever said anything to him. no checking up on me, no nothing. we were each others first love and now he wants me dead. yet i still love him despite all he's done to me. he talks to other girls who are strangers to him and calls me crazy and a liar but refuses to have a conversation with me and give me closure. i know i keep talking about the same man and the same situation but it's absolutely destroyed me because i was already suicidal before i met him due to my previous ex and my life in general and i genuinely thought i would end up marrying this man, just to be thrown away like nothing, and the lack of closure and silent treatment driving me even more insane daily.
