I hate myself so much. Wish I could accept myself.

[Parnate]

I am gay man ,31. I have a masculine body, very hairy. Also I am very very sensitive , a snowflake. Am a very cautious person, avoiding confrontation etc. I am very feminine. My voice, body language, facial expressions , the way I talk etc. until I was 9 I so desperately wanted to be a girl. Later I accepted being a boy.
During school i was bullied a lot for being feminine called names. I thought that I sort of moved on from all that after I finished school but all that has been deeply engraved on my mind.
I tend to believe that I am no longer that feminine and I can easily pass for straight acting. But every now and then, someone or the other imitates me and I i realise how feminine I am. Or maybe we could click pictures or shoot videos and I realise how feminine my pose is or how feminine my expression is. And I feel so bad and pathetic and horrible.
Lately I also hate that I am gay. I wish I could change that.
I just don't know how to accept myself. Can therapy help?

 

[MyShadow]

You are who you are, and I hope that you find it in you to accept and love yourself. Be it through therapy or friends or whatever gives you the confidence to be yourself, I hope that you find peace within yourself.

You deserve to be happy.

 

[Eedrah]

Man, i have a couple friends who point out my or other people's more unusual or expressive traits, they're miserable, and worse they delude themselves into feeling better by trying to make others feel bad.
I had to vent that.
Do the people you spend time with accept you the way you are?

 

[persepexa]

I am gay man ,31. I have a masculine body, very hairy. Also I am very very sensitive , a snowflake. Am a very cautious person, avoiding confrontation etc. I am very feminine. My voice, body language, facial expressions , the way I talk etc. until I was 9 I so desperately wanted to be a girl. Later I accepted being a boy.
During school i was bullied a lot for being feminine called names. I thought that I sort of moved on from all that after I finished school but all that has been deeply engraved on my mind.
I tend to believe that I am no longer that feminine and I can easily pass for straight acting. But every now and then, someone or the other imitates me and I i realise how feminine I am. Or maybe we could click pictures or shoot videos and I realise how feminine my pose is or how feminine my expression is. And I feel so bad and pathetic and horrible.
Lately I also hate that I am gay. I wish I could change that.
I just don't know how to accept myself. Can therapy help?

As a gay man I can relate. I've always been very feminine and been bullied for it. But being feminine is a wonderful thing. There's nothing wrong with it at all. I've never been able to hide who I am, every single person I've met my whole life has noticed it straight away. When I was in prison I tried to hide it and my first day there loads of people came up to me to ask if I was gay haha. Being gay and being feminine are wonderful. Anyone who tells you otherwise just isn't secure enough in themselves. The world needs more feminine gay men! Now more than ever! And also I'm sure there's a lot more to you than being gay and feminine. Don't let people put you in a box. "Masculine" and "feminine" are just labels. Be who you are and don't worry about the rest. And to answer your question I think therapy might be a good way to go. I'm sure wherever you are there will be an affordable therapist. And if you need anything feel free to PM me. I've been there. We're also roughly the same age! I'm turning 30 soon haha.

 

[Infinitespace_]

Become a woman, the more you repress your femininity the stronger it becomes. This is your desire it cannot be dropped so easily and it's far closer to nature and heterosexuality for a trans woman to be with a man then two men being together because opposites attract

This would immediately make you heterosexual

 

[anxious_rain461]

I'm greatful to hear from somebody else who struggles with this, as well. I get a lot of hate for not liking being a trans person...I hate being transgender, hate needing surgeries and hormones to be a person people will respect. I hate that I identify as a gay man despite not deserving that title because of what I was born as. I'm not saying to not accept yourself...I've been transitioning for 10 years, I like parts of myself, my mustache, my build, my voice, but just the struggle is a pain. It's annoying. But whenever I try to become female again, I want to rip my skin off and yell and scream and feel internalized strain in my chest and gut telling me this isn't right. Then when I feel masculine again, that stops.

Maybe sometimes we hate the things we have no control over, and that's okay, just as long as you can accept it that this is who you are. People in my real life don't understand that calling me "she" literally makes me go to my bed and scream and scratch myself and degrade myself and feel like I'm choking because of it, but who wants to hear that shit?

I accept you, man, and I hope you can cope and learn someday to accept yourself and allow yourself to be the feminine or masculine or gay or nonbinary or any version of yourself you deserve to be.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you hate it about yourself or, do you hate that people bully you for it? Personally, I've really loved gay guys who deliberately camped it up. I loved their confidence. I remember a flight addendant once who was awesome.

But then, I can relate if it's something you feel embarassed about. I'm neither gay nor trans but, I don't make the most convincing cis woman! I've often had sneered remarks about being manly or butch.

I don't know that I care inside as such. I know I'm not particularly feminine. I never really had the desire to be. I think more though, it was just the whole embarassment of being singled out. Of not complying.

I think though, it's maybe important to establish whether you don't like those elements of yourself or whether it's the hurt of other people commenting on them/ not liking them. I expect therapy could help you to explore those things.