dinosavr
and if i’m turning blue, please, don’t save me 🌛
- Dec 14, 2023
- 695
Last year I got convinced by my friend to try recovery. I saw a psychiatrist blah blah blah had some tests yada yada yada, and it turned out to be some personality disorderish shit and dysthymia. Since October I had a depressive episode which made me really suicidal. Before, it was just hating myself and wishing I was never born, but towards the end of 2023, I was already sure I wanted to ctb and I was ready to do it. I was still waiting though. I thought it's fair to wait a little longer and give that recovery a chance. Anddd, my antidepressants have started working. Honestly? I fucking hate it. I seriously thought this is what I wanted and that's why I agreed to try it. Or at least a part of me did.
I feel now like I'm stuck between life and death. I truly want to die. I actually was never more sure about. Never ever before. And there I am, still taking these pills everyday, still seeing my shrink every week.
Why??? I feel so pathetic, lost and hypocritical. I can't find the words to explain why I can't make up my mind on one of these ways and be able to really focus on the one I choose. Instead, I keep venlafaxine right next to SN in my closet:) Funny representation of my fucked up brain.
I feel now like I'm stuck between life and death. I truly want to die. I actually was never more sure about. Never ever before. And there I am, still taking these pills everyday, still seeing my shrink every week.
Why??? I feel so pathetic, lost and hypocritical. I can't find the words to explain why I can't make up my mind on one of these ways and be able to really focus on the one I choose. Instead, I keep venlafaxine right next to SN in my closet:) Funny representation of my fucked up brain.
