Venting I hate acting like a normal human being

[moralfag]

Another longish vent from me. Sorry for clogging the feed so much.

Before I start this I just want to say that I understand that the way I think is wrong, and that it's something I need to work on instead of bashing other people for it. I know that, yet sometimes it is so so so hard for me.
I grew up being abused. I grew up being mocked, laughed at, bullied. I understand when people's tones change. I know how to tip-toe around people and take up as little space as possible. For me, this is common sense. Don't draw attention to yourself unless you are supposed to. Don't complain. Don't take things seriously.
Sometimes, when people don't understand or follow these societal rules it irritates me. I know it's wrong for me to feel that way. I'm tired of watching people complain over something I perceive as small and get away with it.
When I watched the only man I've ever loved kill himself in front of me I was expected to act like nothing happened. I was expected to show up for school the next day. I was expected to study, get good grades, to not act out. I assumed that was normal. I was supposed to act like a normal human being, no matter what happens. No matter how I felt or what happened around me, I had to act normal. It didn't matter what I thought.
When my classmate's brother was rude to her everyone supported her. They told her to take off as many days as she needed. They told her how much she was loved, cared about, cherished. Nobody would ever tell that to me. That's all I had ever wanted and she got it without a second thought.
If she needed help, she would just ask for it. If she got hurt, she would get accommodations. If she didn't understand something, someone would explain to her. I didn't understand why. When I asked for anything I would just be mocked or lectured. I didn't need any help and people made sure to tell me that. I was the "self-sufficient" one, even when I was at the lowest point of my life. Even when I needed help so badly.
I don't understand what's so different about me. I don't understand why everyone around me is so able to reach out and I'm not.
Now I just get irritated when I see someone asking for help. It makes me so upset to think that I could get through it on my own under awful circumstances, but the people around me can't. I know I shouldn't think like this. It makes it really hard for me to get along with other people. I just don't know how to stop thinking like this.
When one of my classmates was caught self-harming, the school was very sympathetic towards him. They allowed him to skip classes when he wanted and offered extra help. He was cared for. When the school found out I had self-harmed they simply got mad at me for showing it. I wasn't offered any help. I was just an annoyance. I don't understand. Why am I so different? Am I that awful?

I'm sorry again for the long ramble. I hope you have a good day.

 

[endlesschatter]

My friend, this world is selfish, and full of morons. If you don't get justice, you command justice. Be a tough, ruthless guy until you are here on this planet. When we are meek, people take advantage of us. When we are bold, and ruthless, they know they can't.
I have had several fights in my office. I boldly fought it and won against those crocodiles who had all the support because i had collected evidence and i fought fearlessly. I want to ctb, but i also believe, while I'm alive, i demand my rights, if I'm not given, i take it with full force.