I had HRT in my hands and I didn't use it because I'm self destructive.

[snooperdooper]

This was a couple years ago when I was 16. HRT is banned in the state I'm in but my parents were able to find a work around in Colorado to allow me to get it. We literally had to travel all the way there and stay there for a couple days just to set it up. When we got home I was supposed to start it but I didn't. They said that if I started it I would have to tell them every day that I took it. Prior to that, I was fully committed to starting it. But when I heard that I assumed it was them trying to get me to talk to them, and I was so offended that I ignored them. I gave up the HRT because I believed I was going to be dead in less than a year and it would be more beneficial to my mental health to avoid talking to them than to take the HRT. And then half a year or so later when we were in an argument I finally screamed at them "I don't want it" because they were literally gripping me at the wrists and preventing me from leaving and I just wanted to get out of that situation so bad.

Now I'm 18, and I'm still here. I have tried and tried to kill myself but I quite literally can't. By some sick fucking joke I am stuck here and I can't kill myself and I've gone through irreversible change all because of my self destructive behavior. I thought I could live like this and zone out day by day but I am at my limit. And now I just wish I could go back and make it at the very least a bearable life to suffer through. But I'm so fucking self destructive I can't even offer myself that.