everlastinghistory
Member
- May 5, 2022
- 86
There's this girl I've mentioned in almost every one of my posts. Last night I had a dream that somebody had randomly commented on one of my posts saying "what about *her name*?" Basically saying it was unfair for me to be saying the stuff I was.
Which is sort of ironic because the only person who even knows I'm on this site is her. So as far as anyone else talking about her in third person is concerned: They'd have no idea these posts were about her or that they were made by me. Even if she was to find my posts I doubt she'd even realize they were about her unless she saw one that specifically mentioned me being Canadian and her being French. I may have told her I was on this site but I never told her my username so she'd have to figure it out herself if she was to find that out. Which even then: While I think it's possible she's been on this site at some point… She also seems like she's gotten over the idea of suicide for the most part. So I can't really imagine that she'd be here now.
In that dream she texted me a bunch of stuff about how it was unfair and about how she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that if I were to follow my current plan that she wouldn't feel bad about it or be upset about it at all. Unsurprisingly I did what I'd probably do in real life if that happened and started sending apologies freaking out but never got a response.
I dunno I kind of feel shitty for talking about her so much on her now. And for wanting to commit for anything even remotely related to her even if the things she's influenced is only location and date and I would've committed regardless.
I know if she found these posts for real I would never forgive myself to letting her see me talk about her that way. And I know everything I've posted is true but it's still all things I would never say to her face. I feel like if I commit she's just gonna think I was an idiot. Especially since she's said Sol Pais was an idiot… And not because she did it over a dead murderer. But because she did it over anyone at all. Even despite knowing in that situation it was also mostly only location and date that were influenced and that she most likely would've done it eventually regardless.
I know it's my choice in the end. But it really just feels like I'd be disappointing her even more than I ever have by doing this.
Which is sort of ironic because the only person who even knows I'm on this site is her. So as far as anyone else talking about her in third person is concerned: They'd have no idea these posts were about her or that they were made by me. Even if she was to find my posts I doubt she'd even realize they were about her unless she saw one that specifically mentioned me being Canadian and her being French. I may have told her I was on this site but I never told her my username so she'd have to figure it out herself if she was to find that out. Which even then: While I think it's possible she's been on this site at some point… She also seems like she's gotten over the idea of suicide for the most part. So I can't really imagine that she'd be here now.
In that dream she texted me a bunch of stuff about how it was unfair and about how she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that if I were to follow my current plan that she wouldn't feel bad about it or be upset about it at all. Unsurprisingly I did what I'd probably do in real life if that happened and started sending apologies freaking out but never got a response.
I dunno I kind of feel shitty for talking about her so much on her now. And for wanting to commit for anything even remotely related to her even if the things she's influenced is only location and date and I would've committed regardless.
I know if she found these posts for real I would never forgive myself to letting her see me talk about her that way. And I know everything I've posted is true but it's still all things I would never say to her face. I feel like if I commit she's just gonna think I was an idiot. Especially since she's said Sol Pais was an idiot… And not because she did it over a dead murderer. But because she did it over anyone at all. Even despite knowing in that situation it was also mostly only location and date that were influenced and that she most likely would've done it eventually regardless.
I know it's my choice in the end. But it really just feels like I'd be disappointing her even more than I ever have by doing this.
