idk about anyone else but I have the worst sleep schedule when I'm depressed, granted I don't help myself in the slightest. I stay up until 5/6am on my phone until I can't keep my eyes open any longer to ensure I don't have to spend a second awake with my own feelings and then end up sleeping until noon or just past.
Anyways I've been trying to get myself to do some exercise one of these days, mostly because I've gotten really fat and it's just embarrassing at this point. So I'll tell my mum yeah I'll go to the gym tomorrow and then end up sleeping through my alarm everytime (god I sound like such a disgusting lazy excuse for a daughter I'm sorry). Anyway my mum came into my room the other morning and just flips out at me because once again I'm still asleep. I hear where she's coming from about waking up earlier etc but that's just more time to be awake being miserable and even if I go to the gym early I then have to be conscious the rest of the day. To her I probably just look like a fat depressed overgrown child.
Anyway after her shouting woke me I sit there, cry and feel sorry for myself and then decide I can't keep doing this, either I need to do what I'm told or I need to just end it. And since I have no will to get better I decide if not now, never.
I've had a few methods in mind for a couple years now, top of the list being jumping off a building or bridge, second being partial hanging and third being overdose. I know OD is hard and unlikely but the thought of a painful death doesn't seem that bad to me honestly, as long as I die at the end.
So I packed an overnight bag and jumped in my car and booked a hotel an hour from mine and told my mum I was staying at a friends.
Long story short I didn't go through with it. I ended up drinking a bottle of wine and texting my mum the truth (that I'd booked a hotel) and didn't even attempt whilst I was there. I had packed a bunch of pills but thought of how embarrassing it would've been to have to have an ambulance come get me or to call reception being like yeh I've taken a few too many pills!
Anyway, my mum just calms me down a bit and I end up using the hotel room to rot in peace. Was actually quite nice until I had to come back to reality the next morning.
I'm just so unbelievably sick of being stuck in my own head and all the overthinking I do gets validated by people around me and it's genuinely so painful for me. Im so sensitive that when someone says something mean or that I take to heart it genuinely hurts me in the very bottom of my stomach and just makes me realise that my brain isn't lying to me. So now I've got this truthful self-deprecating voice just stuck in my head.
sorry I've been really rambling I'm just so exhausted of feeling like this and I'm SO sick of myself.
Thank you if you've managed to read this far, self-loathing rant over don't worry
Anyways I've been trying to get myself to do some exercise one of these days, mostly because I've gotten really fat and it's just embarrassing at this point. So I'll tell my mum yeah I'll go to the gym tomorrow and then end up sleeping through my alarm everytime (god I sound like such a disgusting lazy excuse for a daughter I'm sorry). Anyway my mum came into my room the other morning and just flips out at me because once again I'm still asleep. I hear where she's coming from about waking up earlier etc but that's just more time to be awake being miserable and even if I go to the gym early I then have to be conscious the rest of the day. To her I probably just look like a fat depressed overgrown child.
Anyway after her shouting woke me I sit there, cry and feel sorry for myself and then decide I can't keep doing this, either I need to do what I'm told or I need to just end it. And since I have no will to get better I decide if not now, never.
I've had a few methods in mind for a couple years now, top of the list being jumping off a building or bridge, second being partial hanging and third being overdose. I know OD is hard and unlikely but the thought of a painful death doesn't seem that bad to me honestly, as long as I die at the end.
So I packed an overnight bag and jumped in my car and booked a hotel an hour from mine and told my mum I was staying at a friends.
Long story short I didn't go through with it. I ended up drinking a bottle of wine and texting my mum the truth (that I'd booked a hotel) and didn't even attempt whilst I was there. I had packed a bunch of pills but thought of how embarrassing it would've been to have to have an ambulance come get me or to call reception being like yeh I've taken a few too many pills!
Anyway, my mum just calms me down a bit and I end up using the hotel room to rot in peace. Was actually quite nice until I had to come back to reality the next morning.
I'm just so unbelievably sick of being stuck in my own head and all the overthinking I do gets validated by people around me and it's genuinely so painful for me. Im so sensitive that when someone says something mean or that I take to heart it genuinely hurts me in the very bottom of my stomach and just makes me realise that my brain isn't lying to me. So now I've got this truthful self-deprecating voice just stuck in my head.
sorry I've been really rambling I'm just so exhausted of feeling like this and I'm SO sick of myself.
Thank you if you've managed to read this far, self-loathing rant over don't worry
