Story I got SN but now, I feel better~

[EternalShore]

So my SN finally shipped yesterday, yay! ^_^ but 2 days before, I read a super good manga which gave me some like actual hope! >w< And the day after that, I dressed up a whole bunch in my room which was really fun too! :3 And like the day I got my SN, I actually felt like neutral, not depressed at all~ Well, until one of my classes gave me depression (African gender roles, I swear! :/) again, but that went away as soon as I got my SN and was running all around the house, excited! rofl. Now, I'm back to actually feeling neutral again, and I don't even know anymore. My life still sucks, and I hate it, but it seems I'm having mood swings and don't feel default depressed rn~
What was the point of this when I answered my own "question"? idk! But it's weird how things work like this most definitely!

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im actually glad you can still enjoy things a lot, and be able to be happy for a bit. Please dont use the sn on impulse, there might still be recovery for you <3
Also ignore the roles society gives you, just be you, whatever people say :)

 

[ljknljnlkjn]

Same.. to be honest. I feel a bit uncomfortable having SN around despite having okay days. It's probably the darkest secret I keep. It's so weird, to find comfort in having this little white box which can kill me if I choose to.
There's no one in real life I can discuss this with, I wouldn't want to either.

I also frequently look at people's face and silently think about how absurd that they're talking with someone who has SN and an antiemetics stashed in their bedroom. I think of the videos I saw of suicide bereavers talking about how they seemed normal before they did it.
It feels like I'm saying constantly saying goodbye but only through my eyes. I want to continue living because I'm scared that my consciousness would persist after death (that I would go to hell or see the reactions of my family), but sometimes it feels like I'm already in hell and that I'd rather take the chance in the hopes that my consciousness would cease to exist.
It's so absurd when people ask me how I've been doing and I say "Eh.. sort of alright" or "good". I'm not 100% lying, I'm more at peace now that before, but partly.. I'm at peace with dying.
I'm "good" but I also have my fucking suicide planned out..
I'm so tired of saying I'm doing bad and craving people's sympathy. Or being thought of as an attention seeker. I'm sick of hearing that "it's my responsibility, and my choice to be happy and get better".
No. fucking. shit.. I know that it's my responsibility. If I hadn't been extremely fucking desperate and failing on my own, I wouldn't have reached out to anyone. I hate this fucking world..

 

[EternalShore]

Im actually glad you can still enjoy things a lot, and be able to be happy for a bit. Please dont use the sn on impulse, there might still be recovery for you <3
Also ignore the roles society gives you, just be you, whatever people say :)

Thank you :) You're really kind! hehe~

It's so weird, to find comfort in having this little white box which can kill me if I choose to.

Same tho! It is pretty crazy how it actually makes one feel a bit better when they have it and can die whenever versus when they don't! xD but yeah, I kinda want to tell everyone I can die whenever I feel like it and brag about that, but I don't want to get warded by all those mandatory reporters! >_< being at peace with dying sounds nice tho~ :) I kinda act like a kid, so I hardly know what "peace" even is beyond not pain! xD

 

[Fimbulvetr]

This reminds me of a bit of a thread I read on tumblr, a long while ago.

[...] As Neil Hilborn said, "I think a lot about killing myself. Not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign on a show that's never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave."

[...]

Not take their medicine. or go to doctors. or reach out for help because suicidal ideation is like wearing your favorite sweater during the summertime.

Comforting in an odd way but heavy and suffocating and people look at you like it's your choice to be that way.

[...]


It was hyperventilating because a teacher made me do an assignment that involved planning the next five years of my life. I turned in a piece of paper that said 'I won't live that long. I can't live that long. Please don't make me.'

But it was also my therapist at 19 telling me it was okay to plan my death if it kept me living. Suicide plans were escape routes, I panicked without them. With them? I could survive anything. Because I knew if I had to- I could control the end.

 

[sadespair]

Thank you :) You're really kind! hehe~


Same tho! It is pretty crazy how it actually makes one feel a bit better when they have it and can die whenever versus when they don't! xD but yeah, I kinda want to tell everyone I can die whenever I feel like it and brag about that, but I don't want to get warded by all those mandatory reporters! >_< being at peace with dying sounds nice tho~ :) I kinda act like a kid, so I hardly know what "peace" even is beyond not pain! xD

lol... im jealous that you're feeling happier and have SN. BUT, i hope you'll make it and everything works out okay. Sending hugs

 

[EternalShore]

lol... im jealous that you're feeling happier and have SN. BUT, i hope you'll make it and everything works out okay. Sending hugs

Thank you :)
It's unfortunate because it didn't stay that way but oh well~ Jealousy sucks~ Everyone's jealous of each other tbh~