Venting I genuinely cannot fathom what is going on in my head

[Toriinbed]

It's been a bit since the last time I was active mainly because I've been thinking I can hold myself together but at this point I have no idea what to do. School has been a constant reminder how much I've failed even though I had all the cards lined up for me, everything is supposed to be easier but I still feel like I'm losing so much time. It's like I'm chasing a goal but I'm not doing anything to get closer to it I'm just running even though I know I'm never going to get there unless I put in more effort.

I'm so disappointed how crippling my mental health can be because my body refuses to do anything that benefits me. Survival mode and my drive to set up a good future just disappears. I don't feel like I'm learning anything in my classes I don't feel like my peers that talk to me want to be near me I don't feel like there is a place for me to belong anywhere.
"I can" and "I can't" are just switching sides in my head and I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm one person and then I'm another, I think I'm on top of the world and then I want to ctb, I love my family and then I feel like they want to kill me.

I miss having someone to share my misery with, that I can tell all my horrible thoughts about myself without arguing otherwise and won't question my constant switching moods.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring feeling trapped in that situation, the reality is that life really is so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[giverupper24]

It's been a bit since the last time I was active mainly because I've been thinking I can hold myself together but at this point I have no idea what to do. School has been a constant reminder how much I've failed even though I had all the cards lined up for me, everything is supposed to be easier but I still feel like I'm losing so much time. It's like I'm chasing a goal but I'm not doing anything to get closer to it I'm just running even though I know I'm never going to get there unless I put in more effort.

I'm so disappointed how crippling my mental health can be because my body refuses to do anything that benefits me. Survival mode and my drive to set up a good future just disappears. I don't feel like I'm learning anything in my classes I don't feel like my peers that talk to me want to be near me I don't feel like there is a place for me to belong anywhere.
"I can" and "I can't" are just switching sides in my head and I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm one person and then I'm another, I think I'm on top of the world and then I want to ctb, I love my family and then I feel like they want to kill me.

I miss having someone to share my misery with, that I can tell all my horrible thoughts about myself without arguing otherwise and won't question my constant switching moods.

I feel pretty similarly to you. I take it as feeling lost, disconnected, and almost always confused with who I even am. With school it's so tough because I used to be able to handle it but now I feel I've lost all motivation and easy assignments are difficult for me. Exactly the same with my family there words and actions counter eachother and my mother is bipolar so she can be difficult to understand and deal with. I'm pretty much a loner too and having almost no one to ever talk to about my "sad thoughts" is suffocating. However, I'm happy to hear you have some hope in yourself by staying off the site a bit.