Venting I fucked it up with the only person who cared about me

[gluttony]

a few hours ago she blocked me, we were fighting because I asked her friend if she can give her a book she liked. We broke up October 2023 and even though we only started dating September 2023, we've been very close since 2019. she was there for me when I tried CTB using pills in 2021. We both share a lot with each other, her trauma and mine. She was the only one that could make me feel calm. I love her so much. The past few weeks have been really hard for me, I have BPD and everyday the pain of breaking up still hurts as much. Ever since the break up I've lost all confidence in myself. It made me hate myself and I was a pretty positive guy. I'm happy she's happier without me. It's just that I wanted her to at least feel bad for hurting me. Throughout the rest of October through December I tried reaching out to her when I was feeling like shit and she didn't care anymore. Before she blocked me she said that it's up to me, that I've already promised her to not CTB. She said to never meet her again because what right do I have meeting her. I fucked it up so bad. She was my only friend and I fucked it up because I wanted to date her. I thought I could help her get better but I've only hurt her. I've been trying CTB using the Night Night method with tissues and a belt but it doesn't seem like it'll work. I hate that dying is hard.

 

[certified_idiot]

It sounds like what you're going through really sucks. I know what it's like to have everyone you love leave you. It most likely wasn't solely your fault, and although I don't know all the details of your situation, it's usually both person's faults.

I'm not that good at emotional comfort, but I can at least offer you some CTB suggestions. For the night-night method, I don't think a belt will work, I'm not sure that you could get it tight enough. It might work for hanging if you can make a knot in it though. For night-night, you can use duct tape. The original post says that gorilla tape works best for mitigating SI, but I think duct tape will work fine. Its pretty cheap and you can get it from almost anywhere no questions asked. For padding the carotid arteries, tissues are a bit too soft to work, and if you fail, they're not reusable (if your using tape at least). I'd suggest a few folded up socks instead.

It's horrible that you're going through this, but I hope I've been able to offer some useful advise.

 

[cali22♡]

I know how it feels I had the same problem with my cousin, he was the only one who was still interested in my life but now I'm alone and the loneliness is killing me

 

[gluttony]

It sounds like what you're going through really sucks. I know what it's like to have everyone you love leave you. It most likely wasn't solely your fault, and although I don't know all the details of your situation, it's usually both person's faults.

Thank you, I am completely aware of it being both and also nobody's fault as for the situation I'm in. I still really love her and it's one of the reason I really don't want to move on but at the same time I hate her so much.

I'm not that good at emotional comfort, but I can at least offer you some CTB suggestions. For the night-night method, I don't think a belt will work, I'm not sure that you could get it tight enough. It might work for hanging if you can make a knot in it though. For night-night, you can use duct tape. The original post says that gorilla tape works best for mitigating SI, but I think duct tape will work fine. Its pretty cheap and you can get it from almost anywhere no questions asked. For padding the carotid arteries, tissues are a bit too soft to work, and if you fail, they're not reusable (if your using tape at least). I'd suggest a few folded up socks instead.

It's horrible that you're going through this, but I hope I've been able to offer some useful advise.

Thanks for the advice, I had a feeling a belt and tissues wasn't enough. Right now i'm completely broke so I'll see if I can get my hands on some gorilla tape when I have some money.

I know how it feels I had the same problem with my cousin, he was the only one who was still interested in my life but now I'm alone and the loneliness is killing me

The loneliness is what really fucks me up. The fear that I have no one at all when I'm still awake at 3 AM is really painful.

 

[cali22♡]

The loneliness is what really fucks me up. The fear that I have no one at all when I'm still awake at 3 AM is really painful.

Yes, it's really painful, I try not to think at all in the evening when I'm lying in bed. . I just look at the wall and try to fall asleep somehow, sometimes I cry myself to sleep. . . why does life punish me?