I found my old suicide letters

[loslassen]

strange topic to talk about, mostly a vent but I invite you to tell your opinion on suicide letters/notes as well.

yeaterday I was cleaning my room and I went through a bunch of trash I had in my closet, I found some suicide letters I had written fr my partner and my parents, I read them.

It saddened me because a lot of what I wrote is still true and raw, even after attempting to recover for a while. I put them away in case I might need them, though I'm sure I'll probably write a collection of newer letters if I happen to be ready to ctb again.

 

[Labyrinth]

I admire your expressiveness, your comments are always genuine and authentic. I'm sorry this is the only space on the internet where we can be honest, not on social media.

 

[lifelite]

I found mine while cleaning too. No words really, but certain pictures I had drawn about things that matteterd to us while we were kids.
Quite an experience it was to find that note

 

[F@#$]

I write them on my lunch break most days. Don't know why exactly.

 

[CandyK__]

I remember my old suicide letters, Every one of them has a different main reason.

1st​ it was school pressure and ostracization(after years it turned out I had autism, and sadly that's pretty common)

2nd​ Loneliness

3rd​ loneliness and drug addiction

I got rid of drug addiction, and my few friends I gained since then are slowly getting rid of me

 

[casual_existence]

I remember writing a suicide note. I threw it out after a bit. I basically wrote any relevant passwords and account numbers but I think next time I'm just going to write a reasons note and not include anything else. I don't have the money any more to cover my costs.

 

[loslassen]

I admire your expressiveness, your comments are always genuine and authentic. I'm sorry this is the only space on the internet where we can be honest, not on social media.

It means a lot you appreciate my writings, this place has honestly been a double sided blade for me, sad yet so welcoming, it feels good to share all the sappy stuff I write on my notes app, I often have a lot to think and say, it's just really hard to when it's not only taboo but where the people close to me would probably overreact or make it harder for me to open up..

 

[CandyK__]

strange topic to talk about, mostly a vent but I invite you to tell your opinion on suicide letters/notes as well.

yeaterday I was cleaning my room and I went through a bunch of trash I had in my closet, I found some suicide letters I had written fr my partner and my parents, I read them.

It saddened me because a lot of what I wrote is still true and raw, even after attempting to recover for a while. I put them away in case I might need them, though I'm sure I'll probably write a collection of newer letters if I happen to be ready to ctb again.

Do you notice any changes in those, in comparison of older and newer?

 

[drella]

i keep a plastic bag bag of them at this point. each one, a new iteration, a new reason and recipient. it's surreal comparing how i felt at the moment of writing them and how i feel all the time. id like to think that they're all part of a bigger picture.

 

[loslassen]

Do you notice any changes in those, in comparison of older and newer?

I haven't written newer letters but for sure, I still feel desperate like what I seemed in like the first letters that's why it hurts, but everything is also clearer now, I've grown and gotten to know myself as a person better, if I make newer letters, they'll probably include many more things

 

[CandyK__]

I haven't written newer letters but for sure, I still feel desperate like what I seemed in like the first letters that's why it hurts, but everything is also clearer now, I've grown and gotten to know myself as a person better, if I make newer letters, they'll probably include many more things

What about reasons not to? Did you have any of those, if so did they become clearer? The more certain the reason for despair, the more self-aware of your becoming of your position in despair, do you experience that?

 

[loslassen]

What about reasons not to? Did you have any of those, if so did they become clearer? The more certain the reason for despair, the more self-aware of your becoming of your position in despair, do you experience that?

yes and thanks for the question actually, I have more reasons to stay than to leave, but it's not about the amount of reasons rather what they mean in my life yk, what hurts might be less than what feels good but it's also so much bigger than what makes me happy, it's a dilemma. I experience a lot of self awareness, I might come off as an uncommon case if I ever decide to take therapy, I know what hurts and why, and what I should do to change it, but a lot in my life is out of my control and its what stops me from moving on…

 

[CandyK__]

yes and thanks for the question actually, I have more reasons to stay than to leave, but it's not about the amount of reasons rather what they mean in my life yk, what hurts might be less than what feels good but it's also so much bigger than what makes me happy, it's a dilemma. I experience a lot of self awareness, I might come off as an uncommon case if I ever decide to take therapy, I know what hurts and why, and what I should do to change it, but a lot in my life is out of my control and its what stops me from moving on…

Same goes for me. My main problem is that most of the things I struggle with are not understood by people outside of literature/philosophy realm, and more specifically the conclusions of meta-modern concept of reality denial, which is simultaneous to the embracement of the mundane. Without a law approach to literature, my problems seem nonsensical, and I usually need to first teach my therapists about high art, which is tiring as they try to take my understating of art, and tell me that I'm wrong.

They usually say that my problems are delusions, which is typical for modern understating of surroundings' feel like I need to take their system and put in developers mode to have some value out of sessions, which takes a lot of time for me. And still I haven't found philosophy/pshych9ology therapist. The closest thing I have to it is a mentor, who supervises my classes in post-structuralism. I asked him about other people who operate on this level of problems, he told me that in the school that I attend and teach there's 3 people on that level, me and him being two of those. And in Poland there seems to be around 100-200 people on that level, most of which he knows/knew on first name basis.

TL:DR don't read philosophy, it's very lonely.

If you'd want to talk some time, hmu.

 

[gu1klh]

i also have a couple. I dont think i threw them away but im a bit messy so i dont know where they are. typically i write them while im feeling sad and suicidal. it helps me to write down my feelings. i know that i had one for my bf. that one was very emotional. most people wouldnt care though. they'd want you as a person back and not some piece of paper that you wrote when you werent feeling good

 

[Angel of Spades]

strange topic to talk about, mostly a vent but I invite you to tell your opinion on suicide letters/notes as well.

yeaterday I was cleaning my room and I went through a bunch of trash I had in my closet, I found some suicide letters I had written fr my partner and my parents, I read them.

It saddened me because a lot of what I wrote is still true and raw, even after attempting to recover for a while. I put them away in case I might need them, though I'm sure I'll probably write a collection of newer letters if I happen to be ready to ctb again.

What's really ironic for me is that a majority of my old suicide letters are no longer applicable. So many of the people I used to care so much for have left me, and so those old letters I wrote to them are no longer valid. Sad when you think about it, but that's just another reason for me to refresh my list and rewrite my letters to those who have stuck around.

 

[loslassen]

Same goes for me. My main problem is that most of the things I struggle with are not understood by people outside of literature/philosophy realm, and more specifically the conclusions of meta-modern concept of reality denial, which is simultaneous to the embracement of the mundane. Without a law approach to literature, my problems seem nonsensical, and I usually need to first teach my therapists about high art, which is tiring as they try to take my understating of art, and tell me that I'm wrong.

They usually say that my problems are delusions, which is typical for modern understating of surroundings' feel like I need to take their system and put in developers mode to have some value out of sessions, which takes a lot of time for me. And still I haven't found philosophy/pshych9ology therapist. The closest thing I have to it is a mentor, who supervises my classes in post-structuralism. I asked him about other people who operate on this level of problems, he told me that in the school that I attend and teach there's 3 people on that level, me and him being two of those. And in Poland there seems to be around 100-200 people on that level, most of which he knows/knew on first name basis.

TL:DR don't read philosophy, it's very lonely.

If you'd want to talk some time, hmu.

I completely understand you, some things I don't in it's entirity since I don't think I'm as far in knowledge but I am a very philosophical, critical and analytic person, also an artist and a writer, it really extends your understanding and perception of things many don't, and their attempts to help often fall incredibly short, it's frustrating as well to not be understood when you understand every little thing around you, but I like to see it as only fair, not everybody has the ability to see how beautifully yet terrifyingly complex things are. Including your problems, which often seem out of reach or touch to others..

 

[Labyrinth]

I'm surprised and perplexed by how similar we are. I agree with individual experience linked to worldview. Someday, near or far, I will talk about myself.

 

[Rack.-]

Same goes for me. My main problem is that most of the things I struggle with are not understood by people outside of literature/philosophy realm, and more specifically the conclusions of meta-modern concept of reality denial, which is simultaneous to the embracement of the mundane. Without a law approach to literature, my problems seem nonsensical, and I usually need to first teach my therapists about high art, which is tiring as they try to take my understating of art, and tell me that I'm wrong.

Woah you seem to acknowledge very specifically which are the main reasons that are affecting the way you feel. I find it myself very hard to do so... If you are open to I'd love to read some of your letters, I'm sure they are very deep and well developed <3

 

[loslassen]

I'm surprised and perplexed by how similar we are. I agree with individual experience linked to worldview. Someday, near or far, I will talk about myself.

that's comforting to hear, my dm's are always open if you want to talk.
I can't talk about myself enough to those close to me so I come here to vent a lot, in anonymity it's not like anyone knows me here so it's easier and relieving to write

 

[SexyIncél]

Without a law approach to literature, my problems seem nonsensical, and I usually need to first teach my therapists about high art, which is tiring as they try to take my understating of art, and tell me that I'm wrong.

Interesting! I'm curious what concepts require an understanding of art criticism/theory

They usually say that my problems are delusions, which is typical for modern understating of surroundings' feel like I need to take their system and put in developers mode to have some value out of sessions, which takes a lot of time for me. And still I haven't found philosophy/pshych9ology therapist.

TL:DR don't read philosophy, it's very lonely.

Philosophical shrinks are unfortunately very rare. Fields of study tend to filter out innovative weirdos & oddballs, as slick professionals take over. Maybe you could find a paper you like, and ask if the author knows a shrink who'd be happy to walk with you on your intellectual journey

Since philosophy is the investigation of what underlies things, it seems obviously useful in therapy

I think the "meta-modern concept of reality denial" is vital. It's implicit in any realist philosophy. Reality exists regardless of what we believe. And science is all about deep structures that not only go beyond & explain appearances — but even contradict those appearances. We all know this — that's what people mean about not being "superficial"

(For example, no one's ever seen a frictionless surface, but Galileo blatantly swept complications under the rug as "friction" to get at underlying mechanisms)

 

[CPY]

Where I live they are only philosophical/psychology therapist lol