Help I Found My Best Friend

[Trulylost]

I found my best friend hanging about 9 months ago. Ever since, I have these incredibly awful dreams. Following his suicide, I was harassed physically and threatened by his family blaming me for his actions. With that, came my paranoia. In most of my dreams, his family comes and tries to kill me. For example, his mother would come and make me shoot my child then have me turn the gun on myself. It haunts me on a daily on top of obsessing over details of my friends suicide. This feeds my desire to want to "disappear" but i know its something i can't do. There are so many factors that play in my desire for this. I'm already in therapy but everytime i talk about my friend my therapist redirects my thoughts elsewhere because she says I'm not ready to "relive" that moment in order to reprogram my brain from that trauma. I just feel like I'm going insane. Who knew my anxiety and depression was once someone else's. I should add, I support his decision. He was suffering and had many issues nobody could fix. But the human and caring person in me Misses him so incredibly much that it hurts to continue without him. It was so sad to see him hurting and I wish he saw what I saw in him.

 

[Bugg1]

I'm very sorry for your loss and what you going through, it is must be rough, i wish you strength to going through this difficult time, what is happens, happens. You mentioned that you have children so i hope you can stay strong for them. Is it there any one close to you like family friends that you could talk to about this?

 

[Trulylost]

Thank you, I appreciate that. It's a tough situation in which they don't like hearing his name. They say that what he did really screwed me up. When my friend passed, he had sent me his location right before so I was the first person on scene. I'm totally fine not bringing it up to them which is why i have a therapist. And the few friends I've managed to keep since his passing.

 

[Bugg1]

May i ask that how are you feeling at the moment? It's a relief for me to know you are not dealing with this alone, if his family continue to harass you or harm you in any way you could always reliable in your family, friends and the law to protect you. I suggest you to temporarily stay at your family or trusted friend place or someone makes you feel safe and then trying to get back to normal life.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I was going to take some time off, but this thread really caught my attention. In August 2018 I was called to reports of a male hanging in the town I lived and worked in. I work for the local ambulance service. When the name came through I realised it was my friend. We were almost able to save him, almost, but we couldn't. I took the week off work, sat on the floor crying every single day, blaming myself. His mom had been looking for him all day, posting on Facebook, asking if someone had seen him... I knew everything, but could tell her nothing.
You're not alone here. Firstly, don't ever think you're to blame, because you're really not. Secondly, if someone really wants to commit suicide, there isn't anything you can do to stop it. It will happen, more than likely nobody will know beforehand. Thirdly, if they are abusing and harassing you then go to the police and try to get some kind of restraining order. You don't deserve this, ultimately they are looking for someone to blame and are grieving, but it's wrong t hat they are taking it out on you. Fourthly, both you and them should see if you can get help, from your doctor, a therapist, anyone. Bottling it up, replaying scenarios, it's going to make it harder to deal with in the long term.
I am taking some time off of here, but come on a couple times a day to reply to messages. If you want to talk to me, feel free to drop me a message. I understand the pain you're feeling. Remember, you're not alone sending you love

 

[Trulylost]

I was going to take some time off, but this thread really caught my attention. In August 2018 I was called to reports of a male hanging in the town I lived and worked in. I work for the local ambulance service. When the name came through I realised it was my friend. We were almost able to save him, almost, but we couldn't. I took the week off work, sat on the floor crying every single day, blaming myself. His mom had been looking for him all day, posting on Facebook, asking if someone had seen him... I knew everything, but could tell her nothing.
You're not alone here. Firstly, don't ever think you're to blame, because you're really not. Secondly, if someone really wants to commit suicide, there isn't anything you can do to stop it. It will happen, more than likely nobody will know beforehand. Thirdly, if they are abusing and harassing you then go to the police and try to get some kind of restraining order. You don't deserve this, ultimately they are looking for someone to blame and are grieving, but it's wrong t hat they are taking it out on you. Fourthly, both you and them should see if you can get help, from your doctor, a therapist, anyone. Bottling it up, replaying scenarios, it's going to make it harder to deal with in the long term.
I am taking some time off of here, but come on a couple times a day to reply to messages. If you want to talk to me, feel free to drop me a message. I understand the pain you're feeling. Remember, you're not alone sending you love

Thank you so much!
I've got a few cases following the harassment but nothing "enough" to press charges. Finding this site has helped me in some ways I guess understand more on both sides. Because more than anything I feel so oddly "alone" and just want someone to get me .

 

[Trulylost]

May i ask that how are you feeling at the moment? It's a relief for me to know you are not dealing with this alone, if his family continue to harass you or harm you in any way you could always reliable in your family, friends and the law to protect you. I suggest you to temporarily stay at your family or trusted friend place or someone makes you feel safe and then trying to get back to normal life.

Right now, it's been a good day. I mean he runs through my mind so incredibly often. wE spent every single day together and just went to like not ever seeing him.

 

[Bugg1]

I'm glad to know you having a good day, yes he still lives in your heart, it's a wonderful thing you can do for him, to continue your journey with him in your heart even it is hurts. So i wish you peace and happiness.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Wow, I have so much empathy and compassion for what you're going through.

I too was wrongly blamed for someone else's ctb, a boyfriend's, and it was intense to go through that while dealing with the shock and the grief. Years later, I recognized a pattern of getting shaky and emotionally wigged out when I needed to stand up for myself, I self-diagnosed PTSD, went to a therapist who did EMDR. Discovered the pattern was due to the scapegoating I was subjected to, I was put in an impossible position where I believed I couldn't stand up for myself so I just tried to handle the abuse and accusations with grace. It was so good to have that pattern cleared!

I agree with @BPD Barbie. My father was a homicide investigator when I was growing up. He said that people always look for someone or something else to blame other than the one who did it. It's like it just doesn't compute if it's not from outside or natural causes, surely there must be some source.

I am concerned that your therapist seems to be dictating your grieving process and your processing of the trauma. Even if s/he is following a protocol, you should be the one in charge, not the protocol.

Sending warm thoughts.