Hi.
It feels weird and a bit awkward to be here again. Last time I was here, I felt out of place, but I know that's a me problem, as everyone is so welcoming, I just simply don't belong anywhere. I feel like a disease. Later, I felt ashamed, that I was unable to go through with it. I never came back because of the shame I felt. I felt like a failure. It's been quite the journey. I didn't think I'd ever get here again, I was terrified and worried I'd never reach the same place mentally, but I have. I'm there now, finally. I'm ready. The relief I feel is wonderful. I never knew what it was exactly that held me back, mostly I thought it was fear, the fear of failure. Like the first time, failing and ending up committed. Or worse, injured and unable to try again. But the past year, I went through a string of misfortunes back to back and I just, broke. I entered the same headspace I was in the first time. I never thought I'd experience it again, and as painful and tortuous as it feels, it's all been a blessing in disguise. I've waited and wasted so many years, just waiting, never knowing why I was still lingering like a ghost, unable to step forward to the ledge, my goal the entire time was to try again and succeed. I can finally finish what I started, finally keep the promise I made to myself, finally achieve my goal. I know my medication played a huge part, it prevented me from acting. It made me soft. I was never like this before. Luckily my doctors this year were negligent, and didn't adjust my dose like usual, otherwise I'd have lived yet another year unable to act. It was meant to be.
I've learned from the mistakes I made the first time, I have my plan, but also, a plan B, C, even a D for worst case scenario. I've worked out and analyzed, over and over again, every possible scenario that may occur, and what I'll have to do. I've bought all of the materials I'll need, saved and put aside any money I'll need for myself and the ones I'll leave behind, signed and got notarized documents I need (except for one, a funeral form which needs 2 witnesses, I had to let that one go as I can't get witnesses without setting off alarms, I suppose it's not a huge deal as I won't be here, I guess I just wanted to at the very least have the control over my death that I never did in life, I really wish to be cremated. I hate the idea that even in death, I won't have a voice. That even then, my wishes will be railroaded and stomped over. But I have to let go of what happens after, and simply try to have faith in the few.) Now what is left is, some loose ends. And passing the time, which has proven to be harder than expected. Almost twice now I've come close to recklessly acting, it's just become so hard to live through this hell that is my life. I genuinely cannot wait until the day comes. I cannot wait to be able to never have to wake up again. For my mind and consciousness to cease to exist. These days all I look forward to is going to sleep, waking up is a true nightmare. The idea that I'll be able to never have to wake up ever again, is my one dream and wish. I cannot wait for it. It gets harder every day to wait.
Anyways, I guess the reason I'm posting here, is because I quite literally have, nobody. When I say I'm alone, I am completely. Even though I hope that soon my eyes will never have to open again, while I wait, the pain and loneliness is weighing heavily on me. Going through this hell that is my life, is unbearable. I can only soothe my pain by reminding myself that relief is very near. I guess I thought, coming back here, as shameless as it is, as I feel, would bring me some solace before I leave. It's only here I could ever find people like me, existing in a world where no one understands, it is only here where I have ever found understanding when it comes to my choice and my right over my body and my life. I guess I just want to feel even a little less lonely leading up to it. But I feel like I am greedy, and shameless.
I am sorry for my messy and dumb post, I contemplated making it. I don't know. I did want to say, I only very briefly caught up to what's been going on with this site, and honestly it's really heartbreaking. It makes me feel so angry hearing of the attacks the site has been under. It's really depressing, and only re-affirms my disdain for this world.
That's all. Sorry once again.
It feels weird and a bit awkward to be here again. Last time I was here, I felt out of place, but I know that's a me problem, as everyone is so welcoming, I just simply don't belong anywhere. I feel like a disease. Later, I felt ashamed, that I was unable to go through with it. I never came back because of the shame I felt. I felt like a failure. It's been quite the journey. I didn't think I'd ever get here again, I was terrified and worried I'd never reach the same place mentally, but I have. I'm there now, finally. I'm ready. The relief I feel is wonderful. I never knew what it was exactly that held me back, mostly I thought it was fear, the fear of failure. Like the first time, failing and ending up committed. Or worse, injured and unable to try again. But the past year, I went through a string of misfortunes back to back and I just, broke. I entered the same headspace I was in the first time. I never thought I'd experience it again, and as painful and tortuous as it feels, it's all been a blessing in disguise. I've waited and wasted so many years, just waiting, never knowing why I was still lingering like a ghost, unable to step forward to the ledge, my goal the entire time was to try again and succeed. I can finally finish what I started, finally keep the promise I made to myself, finally achieve my goal. I know my medication played a huge part, it prevented me from acting. It made me soft. I was never like this before. Luckily my doctors this year were negligent, and didn't adjust my dose like usual, otherwise I'd have lived yet another year unable to act. It was meant to be.
I've learned from the mistakes I made the first time, I have my plan, but also, a plan B, C, even a D for worst case scenario. I've worked out and analyzed, over and over again, every possible scenario that may occur, and what I'll have to do. I've bought all of the materials I'll need, saved and put aside any money I'll need for myself and the ones I'll leave behind, signed and got notarized documents I need (except for one, a funeral form which needs 2 witnesses, I had to let that one go as I can't get witnesses without setting off alarms, I suppose it's not a huge deal as I won't be here, I guess I just wanted to at the very least have the control over my death that I never did in life, I really wish to be cremated. I hate the idea that even in death, I won't have a voice. That even then, my wishes will be railroaded and stomped over. But I have to let go of what happens after, and simply try to have faith in the few.) Now what is left is, some loose ends. And passing the time, which has proven to be harder than expected. Almost twice now I've come close to recklessly acting, it's just become so hard to live through this hell that is my life. I genuinely cannot wait until the day comes. I cannot wait to be able to never have to wake up again. For my mind and consciousness to cease to exist. These days all I look forward to is going to sleep, waking up is a true nightmare. The idea that I'll be able to never have to wake up ever again, is my one dream and wish. I cannot wait for it. It gets harder every day to wait.
Anyways, I guess the reason I'm posting here, is because I quite literally have, nobody. When I say I'm alone, I am completely. Even though I hope that soon my eyes will never have to open again, while I wait, the pain and loneliness is weighing heavily on me. Going through this hell that is my life, is unbearable. I can only soothe my pain by reminding myself that relief is very near. I guess I thought, coming back here, as shameless as it is, as I feel, would bring me some solace before I leave. It's only here I could ever find people like me, existing in a world where no one understands, it is only here where I have ever found understanding when it comes to my choice and my right over my body and my life. I guess I just want to feel even a little less lonely leading up to it. But I feel like I am greedy, and shameless.
I am sorry for my messy and dumb post, I contemplated making it. I don't know. I did want to say, I only very briefly caught up to what's been going on with this site, and honestly it's really heartbreaking. It makes me feel so angry hearing of the attacks the site has been under. It's really depressing, and only re-affirms my disdain for this world.
That's all. Sorry once again.
