BlueButterfly111
Digital Diary🦋
- Dec 26, 2024
- 339
Sometimes I wish I would've killed my self a long time ago after my boyfriend passed away, because it's just been an endless drudge ever since then. I don't like the world, I don't like living in society, I don't like people, I don't feel happiness or joy or love, I'm just existing. And to me there's no point in doing this, the best part of my day is literally going to sleep, so what's the point of being alive?
I keep on hoping that one day God or the universe, or something or someone will give me something to live for because I just can't kill myself right now. I have this little glimmer of hope, that maybe something will happen, and I'll find joy in life again. I keep on telling myself that if I was able to meet my boyfriend and find happiness, then it's possible for me to find happiness like that again one day, because that was the last time I was truly happy, before he died.
Or maybe I will find happiness in something else, like a career, or solitude, or spirituality or something else. I find life meaningless without love, and I don't feel love for anyone else besides my boyfriend who passed away, and I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I honestly feel very annoyed by everyone and everything around me most of the time unless I'm drinking. I try to mask it most of the time, especially at work and stuff, but I think I come across as inauthentic and people make it seem like I'm just an asshole or a weirdo, or just someone who doesn't want to change, but I've tried to change. It's just something about me that's different and the only way my personality changes is through substances, but I think it could be something else going on, which is why I want to see a psychiatrist. I loved my boyfriend because he was special to me, he was different, he wasn't like everyone else. I think if I ever loved anyone again, it would have to be someone like him, or at least someone different, because I just don't feel anything for most people.
I keep finding myself in environments where I have nothing in common with the people there, and I feel empty and like the life has been drained out of me every single day. I keep thinking that once I'm completely independent and I'm completely free and on my own, I'll be happier. But everything is so expensive nowadays, and I'm at a job making scraps trying to save for a car, the whole process of doing just this feels like the life is being drained out of me. It seems like it might take a long time for me to be financially independent, and I also want to see a psychiatrist badly as well. I'm tired of just existing, but I can't kill myself basically, so I feel trapped.
I know that there's probably some kind of life that I could have that would make me happy or satisfied, and I know there's probably something I could be doing. I really enjoy writing, and I'm a good writer, and I'm very creative and imaginative, I got all A's in school for reading and writing, I wish I could find something to do with that, maybe I could write a book, or find some kind of career or something, but idk what it could be. I know that there also has to be something or someone out there that I could find love and happiness with, it's just hard to find.
Idk what to do, I feel like I want to go back to school, but only for something that I'll enjoy doing, or at least be able to be good at doing without being completely miserable. I also feel like I just need some kind of help and guidance, which is also why I want to see a psychiatrist. Side note: I'm also just so confused by this place, like I'm not religious, but I feel like I'm spiritual because I've seen spiritual things before, but I'm so confused on what to do here or what's the point?!!!
Also feels like I'm running out of time on what to do, because I'm getting older and I don't want to keep doing this if I'm gonna live past my 20's. I'm 23 now, so I still have time, but I can barely do what I'm doing now, and idk what I'm supposed to do or should be doing. I know that time is completely arbitrary and everything, but I just don't want to keep wasting my time in life. It's difficult because I feel like I have a learning disability and I need help and accommodations like I had back in school, but I don't know if I will be able to get the help and accommodations I need in life, I hope I can, but I just don't know. I just feel like I need help and guidance, and I don't want to end up going back to school, just to get a job that will make me completely miserable, I'm so lost! I feel so lonely.
I keep on hoping that one day God or the universe, or something or someone will give me something to live for because I just can't kill myself right now. I have this little glimmer of hope, that maybe something will happen, and I'll find joy in life again. I keep on telling myself that if I was able to meet my boyfriend and find happiness, then it's possible for me to find happiness like that again one day, because that was the last time I was truly happy, before he died.
Or maybe I will find happiness in something else, like a career, or solitude, or spirituality or something else. I find life meaningless without love, and I don't feel love for anyone else besides my boyfriend who passed away, and I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I honestly feel very annoyed by everyone and everything around me most of the time unless I'm drinking. I try to mask it most of the time, especially at work and stuff, but I think I come across as inauthentic and people make it seem like I'm just an asshole or a weirdo, or just someone who doesn't want to change, but I've tried to change. It's just something about me that's different and the only way my personality changes is through substances, but I think it could be something else going on, which is why I want to see a psychiatrist. I loved my boyfriend because he was special to me, he was different, he wasn't like everyone else. I think if I ever loved anyone again, it would have to be someone like him, or at least someone different, because I just don't feel anything for most people.
I keep finding myself in environments where I have nothing in common with the people there, and I feel empty and like the life has been drained out of me every single day. I keep thinking that once I'm completely independent and I'm completely free and on my own, I'll be happier. But everything is so expensive nowadays, and I'm at a job making scraps trying to save for a car, the whole process of doing just this feels like the life is being drained out of me. It seems like it might take a long time for me to be financially independent, and I also want to see a psychiatrist badly as well. I'm tired of just existing, but I can't kill myself basically, so I feel trapped.
I know that there's probably some kind of life that I could have that would make me happy or satisfied, and I know there's probably something I could be doing. I really enjoy writing, and I'm a good writer, and I'm very creative and imaginative, I got all A's in school for reading and writing, I wish I could find something to do with that, maybe I could write a book, or find some kind of career or something, but idk what it could be. I know that there also has to be something or someone out there that I could find love and happiness with, it's just hard to find.
Idk what to do, I feel like I want to go back to school, but only for something that I'll enjoy doing, or at least be able to be good at doing without being completely miserable. I also feel like I just need some kind of help and guidance, which is also why I want to see a psychiatrist. Side note: I'm also just so confused by this place, like I'm not religious, but I feel like I'm spiritual because I've seen spiritual things before, but I'm so confused on what to do here or what's the point?!!!
Also feels like I'm running out of time on what to do, because I'm getting older and I don't want to keep doing this if I'm gonna live past my 20's. I'm 23 now, so I still have time, but I can barely do what I'm doing now, and idk what I'm supposed to do or should be doing. I know that time is completely arbitrary and everything, but I just don't want to keep wasting my time in life. It's difficult because I feel like I have a learning disability and I need help and accommodations like I had back in school, but I don't know if I will be able to get the help and accommodations I need in life, I hope I can, but I just don't know. I just feel like I need help and guidance, and I don't want to end up going back to school, just to get a job that will make me completely miserable, I'm so lost! I feel so lonely.
