I feel that no one can truly understand me

[hypertext]

And this is why I need to CTB. I'm intersex with chimerism, I was born as a girl and then around age 8 i began developing male secondary characteristics. My mother pulled me out of school. I was locked in my room 4 years and raised as a boy before being sent back to school at age 13. Although I've moved far away, received real treatment for my intersex condition, and live again as my original sex, I cannot shake this feeling that something is constantly, immeasurably wrong. No matter the success I achieve and the relationships I build, I will never feel right and I will never feel understood.

My father was buddhist and I believe in reincarnation. This makes me hopeful. In any other life, I would have a much greater chance of at least having problems that I could commiserate with others about. I feel that I've done enough good in life that maybe I will get a better go-around next time.

I have SN, no date, I think i'll know when it's time. That's all really, I just needed to say it somewhere because I have no one in my life to say it to. Thank you for reading.

 

[mango-meridian]

I'm sorry for all you've been through. If there is any group of people that has dealt with serious erasure throughout human history, up until even the present day in most places, it's intersex people. Virtually every culture today assumes sex is a binary, and all of our laws, traditions, customs, roles, and social norms are built around that.

I think what you have been through, though, is even harder than what many intersex people go through. I've read some stories of intersex people online, but nothing where someone is "swapped" at age eight and then hidden from society for multiple years. Totally bizarre.

I hope that regardless of where you go or whether you CTB, you eventually feel that there is nothing wrong with you for having this condition (if you haven't already). You should have been celebrated your whole life rather than treated like a problem.

I know intersex people are rare (roughly 1-2% of the population, though only a small fraction of those have chimerism), but I also hope you one day find people who are similar to you and can understand you on a deeper level. I know of a forum or two online for intersex people, though I'll admit online friendships can be fraught.

Hugs.