I feel so trapped

[Astronica]

I don't mean to complain, I know I have a lot I should be grateful for, but where I'm at now I just have no control over my life. I can't drive here, I didn't even really want to be here, I just sort of felt forced into it. I'm fine as long as I'm praying or reading or otherwise preoccupied, hanging out with friends or playing games, but the second I'm left alone the intrusive thoughts always seem to come back. My husband has caught me ordering tourniquets a few times. A week or two ago he caught me passed out on my desk with a bloody hand with a box cutter on the desk. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I can't even do the things I would need to do to make me feel better. I rarely feel like I have time alone when I need it, because he's always reading over my shoulder. Even if I wanted to die I can't even decide to do that either. He intercepts all of my Amazon orders and hides all of his guns. I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

 

[HereUntilApril]

I can understand your pain. Sometimes life can make you feel cornered. I wish the best for you.

 

[Astronica]

I can understand your pain. Sometimes life can make you feel cornered. I wish the best for you.

I appreciate that. Just in a really bad place rn. I hope you're also well.

 

[Verena2]

I don't mean to complain, I know I have a lot I should be grateful for, but where I'm at now I just have no control over my life. I can't drive here, I didn't even really want to be here, I just sort of felt forced into it. I'm fine as long as I'm praying or reading or otherwise preoccupied, hanging out with friends or playing games, but the second I'm left alone the intrusive thoughts always seem to come back. My husband has caught me ordering tourniquets a few times. A week or two ago he caught me passed out on my desk with a bloody hand with a box cutter on the desk. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I can't even do the things I would need to do to make me feel better. I rarely feel like I have time alone when I need it, because he's always reading over my shoulder. Even if I wanted to die I can't even decide to do that either. He intercepts all of my Amazon orders and hides all of his guns. I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

I can relate. Except that even being with people I love doesn't stop the thoughts.