i feel so spoiled

[wastingtime]

i feel like i could have a decent/bare minimum life if i tried. i feel like i dont have any real external reasons to cbt.
but i've been depressed and suicidal since i was 12, which was 11 years ago. if it hasn't gotten better since then will it really be worth lying to myself that it does? why waste my time even more just for the faint hope that Maybe i won't be as suicidal in my 30s.

my last attempt was 5 years ago and honestly looking back at it, if i had done it right things wouldve sat back into their place by now. my family wouldve healed, nobody would have to suffer because of me.
i just hope that it's not too late now. i dont want to disappoint anyone any further but life feels so pointless. i was never a fighter. i dont see the point in working my entire life just to have a mediocre life and still battle with my mental illnesses every day.

 

[SmollMushroom]

i was never a fighter. i dont see the point in working my entire life just to have a mediocre life and still battle with my mental illnesses every day.

This. So much this.

Personally I've always felt like life, as I have personally lived it, has always been too overwhelming for me.
Everything is so difficult... Hell, even finding a peaceful way to go seems so hard.

 

[puella]

i feel like i could have a decent/bare minimum life if i tried. i feel like i dont have any real external reasons to cbt.
but i've been depressed and suicidal since i was 12, which was 11 years ago. if it hasn't gotten better since then will it really be worth lying to myself that it does? why waste my time even more just for the faint hope that Maybe i won't be as suicidal in my 30s.

my last attempt was 5 years ago and honestly looking back at it, if i had done it right things wouldve sat back into their place by now. my family wouldve healed, nobody would have to suffer because of me.
i just hope that it's not too late now. i dont want to disappoint anyone any further but life feels so pointless. i was never a fighter. i dont see the point in working my entire life just to have a mediocre life and still battle with my mental illnesses every day.

You can't exactly waste time, it's a constant that will continue past your lifetime. If you do have hope, even faint, it's absolutely not a waste to chase it.

I'm sorry the world has been so hard on you. I'm so proud of you.

This. So much this.

Personally I've always felt like life, as I have personally lived it, has always been too overwhelming for me.
Everything is so difficult... Hell, even finding a peaceful way to go seems so hard.

I'm not a fighter either. When I suffer, I freeze and fawn.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable to me not wanting to suffer in this existence, I could certainly never see a point to suffering so unnecessarily, I find it tiring simply being awake. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Lifeless Star]

i feel like i could have a decent/bare minimum life if i tried. i feel like i dont have any real external reasons to cbt.
but i've been depressed and suicidal since i was 12, which was 11 years ago. if it hasn't gotten better since then will it really be worth lying to myself that it does? why waste my time even more just for the faint hope that Maybe i won't be as suicidal in my 30s.

my last attempt was 5 years ago and honestly looking back at it, if i had done it right things wouldve sat back into their place by now. my family wouldve healed, nobody would have to suffer because of me.
i just hope that it's not too late now. i dont want to disappoint anyone any further but life feels so pointless. i was never a fighter. i dont see the point in working my entire life just to have a mediocre life and still battle with my mental illnesses every day.

I feel that so much. Like it just doesn't seem worth living for at all. I could try and get better and have a pretty bare bones life but why? It just feels like suffering for nothing to me.

 

[Enlighten]

i feel like i could have a decent/bare minimum life if i tried. i feel like i dont have any real external reasons to cbt.
but i've been depressed and suicidal since i was 12, which was 11 years ago. if it hasn't gotten better since then will it really be worth lying to myself that it does? why waste my time even more just for the faint hope that Maybe i won't be as suicidal in my 30s.

my last attempt was 5 years ago and honestly looking back at it, if i had done it right things wouldve sat back into their place by now. my family wouldve healed, nobody would have to suffer because of me.
i just hope that it's not too late now. i dont want to disappoint anyone any further but life feels so pointless. i was never a fighter. i dont see the point in working my entire life just to have a mediocre life and still battle with my mental illnesses every day.

Many people turn their life around at a later age. I myself kinda cling to that hope aswell. I think you're very brave for holding on, and who knows: It might just get better.
If you wanna talk in the meantime, i'd love to talk with you.