I literally can't bring myself to get out of bed today. Everything feels flat and hollow and I don't understand how I'm supposed to keep going.
There's nothing really "wrong" with my life - I have friends and family who love me, I'm working hard in school and my physical health is totally fine. What a waste of resources. I have wished I was dead since I was 12 and I don't know why.
Every night since then I've thought about suicide as a way to calm myself before sleep. I've imagined it in hundreds of different ways and it's been the only thing allowing me to sleep peacefully. The prospect of dying soon feels like the only meaningful comfort I have against the horrible things in my brain.
Days like today make me feel confident in my decision to ctb. I cannot imagine feeling this way for years and years. I cannot imagine living to middle age, even. I don't want to go to therapy, where they'll inevitably try to beat these feelings out of me. I don't want to be alive, why should I try? Death is such a comfort.
There's nothing really "wrong" with my life - I have friends and family who love me, I'm working hard in school and my physical health is totally fine. What a waste of resources. I have wished I was dead since I was 12 and I don't know why.
Every night since then I've thought about suicide as a way to calm myself before sleep. I've imagined it in hundreds of different ways and it's been the only thing allowing me to sleep peacefully. The prospect of dying soon feels like the only meaningful comfort I have against the horrible things in my brain.
Days like today make me feel confident in my decision to ctb. I cannot imagine feeling this way for years and years. I cannot imagine living to middle age, even. I don't want to go to therapy, where they'll inevitably try to beat these feelings out of me. I don't want to be alive, why should I try? Death is such a comfort.
