Venting i feel so alone

[g0r3kittyz☆*:💭]

I just wish I had someone that actually cared about me. I feel so useless in this world, well I don't feel, but I know I am. I cant help I wish I had someone close to me. someone I can tell all my struggles to and actually help me, but reality sucks. I'm so alone. No one would ever care if I left. The one person I thought did doesn't even say "i love you" anymore and its driving me insane. I mean, its not anyone's job to help me out. I don't expect it help out of anyone, but I cant help but wish I did. I wouldn't say I don't have any friends, but none of it feels real. I know I could have it a lot worse, and other people have it a lot worse. But, I also get so jealous knowing other people have true friends they genuinely talk to. I always try to help out my "friends" when they're in trouble, I just wish I could have someone doing that to me too. I don't mind helping people ofc, and like I said I don't expect it, but it for sure would be nice, wouldn't it? I wonder how the people around me would react if I died, maybe they would be sad for a week, but I'm sure I'll be soon forgotten, and that's an awful feeling to be honest.

 

[wisteria3]

I get that, I also have friends who have successful/happy lives who don't seem to care that much about me anymore. I don't blame them at all, I think they're just caught up in their own lives now and have boyfriends they go to for support instead. I just wish someone did for me what I feel like I do for them. Unless I am urgently busy with something, if one of my friends has a crisis I basically drop everything to help them (partly because I enjoy helping them). It's so frustrating because I haven't had a friend who does that for me in years. Like I remember having friendships where I could count on them to talk to me no matter what, and now it's the opposite. I was recently in extreme distress when my friend was visiting me, and she literally just went to sleep lol. It's a ridiculously lonely feeling.

Also, I don't think it's wrong to expect support. Yeah it's not good to expect people to solve your problems for you, but everyone deserves support from other people in solving their problems. Humans are social creatures after all, and our culture's obsession with hyper-independence is so unhealthy. Not that I take my own advice though - I have a serious issue asking people for help and pretty much never do.

 

[g0r3kittyz☆*:💭]

I get that, I also have friends who have successful/happy lives who don't seem to care that much about me anymore. I don't blame them at all, I think they're just caught up in their own lives now and have boyfriends they go to for support instead. I just wish someone did for me what I feel like I do for them. Unless I am urgently busy with something, if one of my friends has a crisis I basically drop everything to help them (partly because I enjoy helping them). It's so frustrating because I haven't had a friend who does that for me in years. Like I remember having friendships where I could count on them to talk to me no matter what, and now it's the opposite. I was recently in extreme distress when my friend was visiting me, and she literally just went to sleep lol. It's a ridiculously lonely feeling.

Also, I don't think it's wrong to expect support. Yeah it's not good to expect people to solve your problems for you, but everyone deserves support from other people in solving their problems. Humans are social creatures after all, and our culture's obsession with hyper-independence is so unhealthy. Not that I take my own advice though - I have a serious issue asking people for help and pretty much never do.

Yeah I defiantly feel this so much. Especially that last part, on struggling to ask for help. For me, I'm always afraid if I'll be annoying asking for help. Like I'm wasting their time, and some other emotions I'm not really sure how to describe. But, hey, at least i'm not alone in this feeling :)

 

[wisteria3]

Yeah I defiantly feel this so much. Especially that last part, on struggling to ask for help. For me, I'm always afraid if I'll be annoying asking for help. Like I'm wasting their time, and some other emotions I'm not really sure how to describe. But, hey, at least i'm not alone in this feeling :)

same, I always am so worried about bothering people. I think it is also a matter of pride for me? Like I don't want to show vulnerability/weakness, except to people I completely trust... but I can't really describe the emotion well either.

One thing that helps is when a friend is also leaning on me with their own problems. I don't feel as ashamed being vulnerable when they are vulnerable with me, and I feel like I'm "burdening" them just as much as they are "burdening" me so I don't feel like I'm annoying them. If you have a friend you suspect could also be struggling with mental health, maybe you could try reaching out and start by checking if they're okay? I tried to do that and it actually helped more than I expected until she stopped responding after like 10 minutes lol. But yeah I don't really have any other friends like that right now, which is kind of why I joined here.

I don't know if that made sense or is helpful I'm just kind of rambling lol. Also I usually don't like when people give me advice, so hopefully that wasn't annoying

 

[g0r3kittyz☆*:💭]

same, I always am so worried about bothering people. I think it is also a matter of pride for me? Like I don't want to show vulnerability/weakness, except to people I completely trust... but I can't really describe the emotion well either.

One thing that helps is when a friend is also leaning on me with their own problems. I don't feel as ashamed being vulnerable when they are vulnerable with me, and I feel like I'm "burdening" them just as much as they are "burdening" me so I don't feel like I'm annoying them. If you have a friend you suspect could also be struggling with mental health, maybe you could try reaching out and start by checking if they're okay? I tried to do that and it actually helped more than I expected until she stopped responding after like 10 minutes lol. But yeah I don't really have any other friends like that right now, which is kind of why I joined here.

I don't know if that made sense or is helpful I'm just kind of rambling lol. Also I usually don't like when people give me advice, so hopefully that wasn't annoying

No no! That makes complete sense. You said it better than I ever could. And about reaching out, actually I did because I was concerned for ig friend because I was worried they were cutting themselves and you know I helped them out but then today I didn't reply to their message for awhile (it wasn't about anything serious by the way) and I said sorry for it because I told her I was feeling sad but she didn't even respond to that and proceeded to send me some random video online and to be honest I have opened up to people before (very very few) and i've always regretted it so I'm kind of like scared/ not wanting to do it again. Oh, and about that point of if someone opening up so then I can so I dont feel like burdening them, the problem is even then I do feel like I am. Like I feel like i'm making it about myself now. But thats not the case of course, and I wish that could work for me, so don't get the wrong idea. But anyways, I did really appreciate the advice you gave me and it wasn't annoying at all

 

[wisteria3]

No no! That makes complete sense. You said it better than I ever could. And about reaching out, actually I did because I was concerned for ig friend because I was worried they were cutting themselves and you know I helped them out but then today I didn't reply to their message for awhile (it wasn't about anything serious by the way) and I said sorry for it because I told her I was feeling sad but she didn't even respond to that and proceeded to send me some random video online and to be honest I have opened up to people before (very very few) and i've always regretted it so I'm kind of like scared/ not wanting to do it again. Oh, and about that point of if someone opening up so then I can so I dont feel like burdening them, the problem is even then I do feel like I am. Like I feel like i'm making it about myself now. But thats not the case of course, and I wish that could work for me, so don't get the wrong idea. But anyways, I did really appreciate the advice you gave me and it wasn't annoying at all

Can you explain why you regretted it? Like did you feel like they were judging you, or treated you differently after, or just didn't feel like they "got it"? Or were they cruel about it? Or maybe they just didn't respond in a way that felt supportive? I'm just curious - but no pressure to answer that question if it's triggering.

I tend to open up to people very quickly, but then there are certain things that I open up to hardly anyone, or sometimes no one, about. Like I'm either insanely public about things or insanely private. And I've definitely experienced regret over opening up to certain people when it feels like they don't "get" it and are secretly judging me. I guess in my experience opening up is either a huge relief or makes you feel ashamed/awful. Although I've never had anyone be purposefully cruel or broken my trust/confidentiality.

Also yeah that makes sense, by the way you sound like you're a very selfless and caring person :) I'm really sorry you don't have people in your life who are always there for you. If you ever want to chat to someone about anything, you can always message me. I've been so isolated for so long that I would love to talk (I say this just in case you feel like you'd be a burden, not to put any pressure on you lol)

 

[g0r3kittyz☆*:💭]

Can you explain why you regretted it? Like did you feel like they were judging you, or treated you differently after, or just didn't feel like they "got it"? Or were they cruel about it? Or maybe they just didn't respond in a way that felt supportive? I'm just curious - but no pressure to answer that question if it's triggering.

I tend to open up to people very quickly, but then there are certain things that I open up to hardly anyone, or sometimes no one, about. Like I'm either insanely public about things or insanely private. And I've definitely experienced regret over opening up to certain people when it feels like they don't "get" it and are secretly judging me. I guess in my experience opening up is either a huge relief or makes you feel ashamed/awful. Although I've never had anyone be purposefully cruel or broken my trust/confidentiality.

Also yeah that makes sense, by the way you sound like you're a very selfless and caring person :) I'm really sorry you don't have people in your life who are always there for you. If you ever want to chat to someone about anything, you can always message me. I've been so isolated for so long that I would love to talk (I say this just in case you feel like you'd be a burden, not to put any pressure on you lol)

Okay so I have opened up really to two people about my problems. One of them screenshotted my message (without my knowledge) and sent it to this other person who he said "struggled with the same things" but then the girl proceeded to say I was being an attention seeker especially because I had messaged him telling him I just felt pathetic but I really felt that way not to look for attention. The whole thing just made me feel really bad, especially since he really didn't defend me either. I guess it's not that bad, but I still feel awful about it even now. We're still friends and stuff just I make sure our conversations never go there. Another guy was actually someone I liked (well I guess still do) and I actually wasn't planning on telling him anything but I'm not sure how the conversation got to that point. He was actually pretty supportive, like he said if I ever wanted to talk I can come to him, but how like you said, it didn't feel like he "got it". Basically when I told him I got a okay and that's bad pretty much and things along those lines. Later on, he keeps making jokes about it. He said if he wants me for him to stop the jokes I can tell him, but I don't mind it, I just wished he could check up on me you know? And when I told him about how my relative saw my cuts (yes lol) he said why do you even do that you should stop, I proceeded to say its not that easy, and then he proceeded to say yes it is because I don't do that, which kinda pissed me off. Oh and actually I told him I liked him not too long ago and he said he did too (but we didn't date because long distance is hard I guess) and told me he loved me everyday for like a week but now he doesn't say that anymore, like at all, but he still acts all friendly. Well sorta, because like 2 days ago I couldn't take his insults anymore and said I needed a break for exams. It's not really related to the question but I really felt like putting it there. Sorry about that

Also, thank you! You seem like a very caring person too, and feel free to message me anytime as well! I'd love to talk :D

 

[wisteria3]

Okay so I have opened up really to two people about my problems.

ugh people are the worst... the first case seems straight up awful, no wonder it made you feel worse. Like you confided in someone and they turned it into gossip, that's so cruel. The second, I feel like I get it because I had an ex who tried to be supportive but just wasn't capable of it so he ultimately made me feel a lot worse. Except you say he insults you??? I just want you to know that you deserve so much better, like even if he wasn't mean to you which it sounds like he is, you still deserve someone who you can confide in and feel seen and supported. But I know it's easy to say and hard to believe, especially if you haven't been treated well before. Also, it's hard to believe you deserve better when your self-esteem is so rock bottom from being depressed (me)

 

[g0r3kittyz☆*:💭]

I KNOW RIGHT?! like you could have at least told me you were going to tell someone else about this. It took me more than a year to trust you, and they ruined it. But I can't bring myself to say it upset me, which is another thing I have trouble with. Telling people they did something that hurt me. And about insulting, it more of jokes but I can't lie it does hurt sometimes. And you're right I probably do deserve better but I just love him so much also I don't think he means to be rude, it's just how he is I guess

ugh people are the worst... the first case seems straight up awful, no wonder it made you feel worse. Like you confided in someone and they turned it into gossip, that's so cruel. The second, I feel like I get it because I had an ex who tried to be supportive but just wasn't capable of it so he ultimately made me feel a lot worse. Except you say he insults you??? I just want you to know that you deserve so much better, like even if he wasn't mean to you which it sounds like he is, you still deserve someone who you can confide in and feel seen and supported. But I know it's easy to say and hard to believe, especially if you haven't been treated well before. Also, it's hard to believe you deserve better when your self-esteem is so rock bottom from being depressed (me)

I KNOW RIGHT?! like you could have at least told me you were going to tell someone else about this. It took me more than a year to trust you, and they ruined it. But I can't bring myself to say it upset me, which is another thing I have trouble with. Telling people they did something that hurt me. And about insulting, it more of jokes but I can't lie it does hurt sometimes. And you're right I probably do deserve better but I just love him so much also I don't think he means to be rude, it's just how he is I guess (sorry I wrote this twice because I think I forgot to hit the reply button)