Venting i feel so alone this christmas

[apgpfk]

i think this is the first christmas i've spent alone. hearing my neighbours having fun and fireworks going off around my neighbourhood just makes me feel a lot worse. i'm glad others are having the time of their life but its also making me feel worse

i used to always celebrate christmas with my family by having hotpot but both of my parents are sick and i'm on terrible terms with my brother (i think he genuinely wants to kill me fr...) i miss doing secret santa or art trades with my friends but i'm drifting from some of them and i'm unsure about our friendship for others...

hoping everything passes soon because i refuse to give in to ctb on christmas or even during 2023 in general. i still really want to go to all the yearly ani conventions in february and miku expo in april... perhaps i'll move my ctb date back if i start feeling better

 

[Abyssal]

Another person going to miku expo in April? That makes 4 of us in total that I know of on this website. Is it the mental illness or is it just miku?

That aside, I'm also persevering to not ctb too soon. My SN comes any day now and I know that's when the real fight begins, but the holiday season definitely makes me more hopeless. Maybe it's because it used to be a good time of year for me and now it's just…another day. It's a shame how we get these hopes that certain days will bring us joy just to realize we would've rather had taken our life when it's not everything we hoped it'd be.

I wish for the end. I want ultimate nothingness. But I always want Miku.

 

[Gonnerr]

Im sad for you, yes its bad to see happy people , i will stay put at home until the 26.

Iv been alone most christmas by choice in the last 7 years or i only see a friend who is alone also.

Since i have social anxiety, christmas use to be a fucking nightmare , i was litterally scared of that day where we would be like 15 to 20 people. It was brutal and such a relieve when it was over.

Now they leave me alone and i prefer being alone then with happy people in my family.

That's what bad DNA do to a guy.

 

[Sleeper System]

I try not to think about any holiday and just let it pass as another day in this miserable life.
Becoming an adult has taken away any joy I feel about these "special days".
I don't say things like merry christmas or happy thanksgiving in the limited conversations I have with people.
I just say "Thanks you too" and nobody ever questions it. Because it's just a gesture. Meaningless in my eyes.
I stopped saying good morning too. I just say "morning" because how dare you imply that someones morning is going "good".
I'm just so negative. I just keep the mask on long enough to get through the day.
I spend my out of work time alone and texting with friends I only see one or twice a year if that. And that's good enough for me.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

...and all opening a bunch of worthless presents made by some sweatshop kid halfway around the world, that will add more clutter to their useless lives and eating all of this processed junk that will slowly givin them cancer. Happy Happy Holidays, right? I would give anything to be alone tomorrow. I am so sick of being around people. Eveyone is so fake and disgusting these days. It's all so pointless.

 

[apgpfk]

But I always want Miku.

miku is fr the only thing on earth i'll ever live for

 

[Catch-22]

I've always felt alone my entire life. Is it worse being all by yourself or being surrounded by people but being excluded by everyone?

 

[apgpfk]

I've always felt alone my entire life. Is it worse being all by yourself or being surrounded by people but being excluded by everyone?

i've felt both and being surrounded by people but excluded is definitely worse by far. they make you feel even lonelier than you actually are when you're actively (or accidentally) being excluded because you see everyone being happy and want to join in but can't.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that loneliness is painful and hard to deal with for many, it's dreadful how people have to suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[until death]

I hate Christmas