Venting I feel like my si is Splitting me appart

[Maeve]

I don't know how to describe it but since my plans have gotten more concrete (flying to canada and going in nature)
My si is going absolutely crazy I don't know how to deal with it i am just crying so often and i have scribbled multiple sites of my journal with "i don't want to die" but i.... sorry i really can't explain like i WANT to leave thats why i made plans and have made the preparations to take my ticket with me I won't have enough money to get back.
But like a part of me feels like i am in a room where the walls are closing in i don't know what to do i am scared my si could take over and ruin my plan to leave at a place i always wanted to be.

Why is my si so strong and why now??
i don't get what is going on
Sorry for this really rambling post i just needed some place to put this

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is like the survival instinct just exists to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here, it must be really dreadful what you are going through. But anyway best wishes.

 

[The Burning Fool]

I'm here to listen. Thanks for sharing your story. To me it's bone chilling, terrifying. Your SI is so strong because of genetic programming. Our ancestors stayed alive long enough to procreate because their SI was so intense. You asked that question, and I'm giving you the most accurate explanation that I have. Best wishes.

 

[90starve]

SI is so difficult to beat - im sorry that you're experiencing this <3

 

[Foreverix]

From everything I've read on this forum, most people struggle against survival instinct. The times recently that I've gone through the motions of my plan (hanging), I've experienced feelings of dread, terror, and anxiety, especially once the ligature was around my neck. I know this is simply my brain working against me; the very place that my plans are being made is also home to my survival instinct. It's normal, I accept it, but that doesn't mean it's de facto correct.

I hope you don't feel like something is wrong with you because of the division you're experiencing. Your nervous system knows what you're up to, and you can't hide from it. You can certainly try depressing it. But it may provide a small amount of relief (and I mean small) to accept and make peace with it as an influencing factor and natural mechanism. But that doesn't mean it's in complete control: your mind is.