Venting i don't feel like i can connect with anyone.

[supersupercomplex]

hello, it's my first time posting here, so please let me know if i'm doing something wrong! T_T

i'm 18, and no matter what, i could never really make friends irl, and online i couldn't even really keep them... i only hang out with my older sister now, and i love her and have fun, but i feel like she just does it because she pities me... she says she doesn't, but it feels hard to believe her.

but to talk a little more, i actually cut what friends i did have a few years ago, and as much as it hurt i still feel like it was the best decision... i really wasn't a good friend. i was overbearing, always taking and hardly giving, i couldn't read the hints they gave me and looking back i always talked way too much when they didn't want me to, or i said the wrong thing when trying to comfort them, and so on. i was always just too focused on myself, and i regret it every day. i'm even worse because i just.. ran away instead of trying to fix anything.

anyway, while that's not the only reason, i haven't really tried to make friends since then, and i feel like i oscillate between not really caring for those sorts of connections and being desperate for it. if i'm alone, i don't really have to worry about hurting someone or messing something up, i don't have to worry about growing apart, i don't have to worry about coming across as too much... but at the same time, i do want someone to rely on me, and just to share things with.. i really hate feeling contradicting things like this Q_Q

ultimately, i don't think i'm going to change anything... i plan to ctb soon, and i'd hate to make friends with someone just to abandon them, you know? i'm sorry for rambling like this for no real reason other than to complain. i guess i want to ask if anyone's ever felt similarly, or something. sorry if this doesn't make sense or i sound stupid.

 

[Radiated]

I Relate, most attempts to make friends online for me (Because I'm not able to IRL due to PTSD and fear of leaving my home) have kinda just been trying to talk to brick walls, people stop talking after a few days, and it gets exhausting to try to constantly reach out.

Please don't feel guilty for wanting to make friends whilst planning to CTB, you're not abandoning anyone and you deserve love. You never know if trying to make connections could leave you wanting to put the plan aside, or even just make you feel better for the time you're here.
Unfortunately I'm not the best for advice on the topic, but there's the make a friend megathread if you wanna check it out. :)

Make A Friend megathread

Make A Friend Megathread NOTE: Read this thread fully before posting! It can be hard to find someone who understands, and can relate to suicidal and depressive thoughts. This thread is to facilitate the possibility of meeting a friend who can understand that, or just to find someone who is on...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[supersupercomplex]

I Relate, most attempts to make friends online for me (Because I'm not able to IRL due to PTSD and fear of leaving my home) have kinda just been trying to talk to brick walls, people stop talking after a few days, and it gets exhausting to try to constantly reach out.

Please don't feel guilty for wanting to make friends whilst planning to CTB, you're not abandoning anyone and you deserve love. You never know if trying to make connections could leave you wanting to put the plan aside, or even just make you feel better for the time you're here.
Unfortunately I'm not the best for advice on the topic, but there's the make a friend megathread if you wanna check it out. :)

Make A Friend megathread

Make A Friend Megathread NOTE: Read this thread fully before posting! It can be hard to find someone who understands, and can relate to suicidal and depressive thoughts. This thread is to facilitate the possibility of meeting a friend who can understand that, or just to find someone who is on...

sanctioned-suicide.net

thank you, I appreciate the reply and your words (｡T ω T｡) i think i'll give some thought to what you said, and to the megathread.

 

[tsykoais]

read and same, however on the cutting off friends part it was the opposite i was too good of a friend and never got reciprocated.

 

[supersupercomplex]

read and same, however on the cutting off friends part it was the opposite i was too good of a friend and never got reciprocated.

i'm very sorry about that. i'm sending you my well wishes.

 

[tsykoais]

i'm very sorry about that. i'm sending you my well wishes.

sending you my well wishes too! dms are open if u need someone to talk as well.