Venting I feel like I've so much to give

[INTJme]

I've always struggled with guilt and even though I'd made up mind about ctb-ing for good this time around after a lifetime of misery and over a decade of ctb contemplation, I can't rid myself of the feeling that I still have so much to give, especially to the less fortunate and those who struggle just like I do. I'm a freakin life coach for goodness sakes!

But how effective can I be when I'm down in the dumps myself? Every single time I pick myself up, life gets marginally better after a while. But it inevitably comes crashing down harder, leaving me distraught and miserable again. I can no longer repeat this pattern, and I've not found the way to stop it from happening. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. My mind plays games with me every single day. I was so sure about ctb-ing until yesterday and now I'm questioning again. This agony won't let go of me.

I need this to end.

 

[Ociv]

Write a book. If you want to keep helping people, but also don't want to live anymore, why not write a book telling what you know?

I'm sure you would have a pretty unique perspective on lots of things, and maybe you'd end up helping out other people in the same situation as you.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I can't rid myself of the feeling that I still have so much to give, especially to the less fortunate and those who struggle just like I do. I'm a freakin life coach for goodness sakes!

Why not, if you master some useful improvement methods. For example, I have practiced communicating with the subconscious in order to get to the bottom of my traumas - it's a bit like going through psychotherapy on your own.

Another thing that would be cool to learn would be reading Tarot cards, but understanding the meaning of the cards would require more specialization that I'm used to.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I like the idea of writing a book/blog or making videos. The fact you are like this, and the fact an increasing percentage of young people are like this, means that what you write will certainly resonate.

I'm an INTJ too. I feel like dying often but I am also pretty smart and have some talents... so that kind of keeps me going, though also I had to learn to not feel guilty about "not being where I'm supposed to be".

Truth is, you can never accomplish everything you set your mind to, so you might as well just do what you can.

 

[INTJme]

Write a book. If you want to keep helping people, but also don't want to live anymore, why not write a book telling what you know?

I'm sure you would have a pretty unique perspective on lots of things, and maybe you'd end up helping out other people in the same situation as you.

I've tried writing one several times but my perfectionistic ass makes it an exhausting experience. After a while, I succumb to my nihilistic thoughts and give up.

I like the idea of writing a book/blog or making videos. The fact you are like this, and the fact an increasing percentage of young people are like this, means that what you write will certainly resonate.

I'm an INTJ too. I feel like dying often but I am also pretty smart and have some talents... so that kind of keeps me going, though also I had to learn to not feel guilty about "not being where I'm supposed to be".

Truth is, you can never accomplish everything you set your mind to, so you might as well just do what you can.

I do in fact have a newly created YT channel with a few videos and I did intend to upload everything I know before I go, but... I lost motivation after a couple due to my perfectionistic tendencies, YT algorithm not showing the video to many people, and the feeling of hypocrisy given how much I'm struggling myself.

 

[halleyscomet]

i feel the exact same way. i've always had this weird inclination to help others. i've always wanted to become a nurse.

but it's so hard isn't it? it's so hard to give when you never get anything back. it's so hard to know what good you can do, but also know that you will destroy yourself in the process.

we shouldn't have to live like martyrs, we shouldn't have to give everything we have, just to feel empty and used up. we deserve to be happy too, even if it's easier to believe otherwise.

you have a lot of love in you, i really hope you get some back and find some solace in this fucked up world no matter what you decide to do.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I'm also an INTJ who feels that I could still be a productive member of society and do some good in the future, but I don't know, I think I've just gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. Nonexistence always seems like the better option. I'm not going to struggle and fight anymore.

 

[petuniaphantom]

I've always struggled with guilt and even though I'd made up mind about ctb-ing for good this time around after a lifetime of misery and over a decade of ctb contemplation, I can't rid myself of the feeling that I still have so much to give, especially to the less fortunate and those who struggle just like I do. I'm a freakin life coach for goodness sakes!

But how effective can I be when I'm down in the dumps myself? Every single time I pick myself up, life gets marginally better after a while. But it inevitably comes crashing down harder, leaving me distraught and miserable again. I can no longer repeat this pattern, and I've not found the way to stop it from happening. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. My mind plays games with me every single day. I was so sure about ctb-ing until yesterday and now I'm questioning again. This agony won't let go of me.

I need this to end.

I empathize with you and I feel the exact same way. I'm very right brained/emotional/artistic, and I also feel as if I have so much to give but yet nothing at the same time. I have BPD, the highs are extremely and the lows exceedingly low and I can't seem to get out of this vicious cycle. I love people and I've always wanted to write a book about my struggles but that probably won't happen. I know this might seem worthless to someone who is struggling, but we need people who are like you in this world to be a light to those who are in the darkness. If I had known someone like you in my personal/real life, it would've given me a sense of strength and hope since I have finally found someone that is so similar to me.

 

[INTJme]

it's so hard to give when you never get anything back. it's so hard to know what good you can do, but also know that you will destroy yourself in the process.

we shouldn't have to live like martyrs, we shouldn't have to give everything we have, just to feel empty and used up. we deserve to be happy too, even if it's easier to believe otherwise.

Hit the nail on the head with that.

I'm also an INTJ who feels that I could still be a productive member of society and do some good in the future, but I don't know, I think I've just gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. Nonexistence always seems like the better option. I'm not going to struggle and fight anymore.

Yeah, barring occasional mood-swings, I pretty much have accepted non-existence as my choice of fate too. No point fighting and struggling.

I empathize with you and I feel the exact same way. I'm very right brained/emotional/artistic, and I also feel as if I have so much to give but yet nothing at the same time. I have BPD, the highs are extremely and the lows exceedingly low and I can't seem to get out of this vicious cycle. I love people and I've always wanted to write a book about my struggles but that probably won't happen. I know this might seem worthless to someone who is struggling, but we need people who are like you in this world to be a light to those who are in the darkness. If I had known someone like you in my personal/real life, it would've given me a sense of strength and hope since I have finally found someone that is so similar to me.

Honestly, when I ctb, I'll go feeling fulfilled that I've made a positive impact on many people's lives. My struggles are my struggles but I never let it impact my ability to help others out. But now I'm broken beyond repair and for the first time ever don't mind being selfish wanting a quiet exit.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I've tried writing one several times but my perfectionistic ass makes it an exhausting experience. After a while, I succumb to my nihilistic thoughts and give up.

I do in fact have a newly created YT channel with a few videos and I did intend to upload everything I know before I go, but... I lost motivation after a couple due to my perfectionistic tendencies, YT algorithm not showing the video to many people, and the feeling of hypocrisy given how much I'm struggling myself.

Maybe don't view it as hypocrisy. Maybe view it as "I'm in this situation and even though I'm struggling I can provide insights that others can't".

You don't have to present yourself as having all the answers. Nobody ever can or does. Nobody. As for the algorithm who cares, if your content reaches just one person (and isn't harmful to your own prospects) it's worth keeping up.

I had a channel and I deleted all my videos because some were demonetized and I regret it now, because those videos were intrinsically valuable, because they were something I created, and so many people will never even bother to create anything.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Other people's problems may be making your PTSD worse because they make you think about the bad things that happened to you.

People who are empaths are deeply affected by the ups and downs of being emotionally dysregulated, which is common in such professions.

The best way to help the world is to prioritize your emotional well-being and lead a fulfilling life.

If you still want to nurture, try to help animals because they soothe us while people in distress agitate us.

 

[UKscotty]

We have never made up our mind right until the final act of CTB. Anything else is just talk and feelings.

Never let anyone tell you otherwise, there is always hope.

 

[INTJme]

The best way to help the world is to prioritize your emotional well-being and lead a fulfilling life.

Tbh, helping people was the closest thing that came to making me feel fulfilled apart from the toxic relationship I had with my ex, which wasn't going to be a good long-term strategy anyway. Now? I'm just tired. I've done the whole "put yourself first" routine, tried therapy multiple times over the last decade as well as medication but to no avail. Unbearable misery has always followed me and I don't see how a future without it can ever exist.

 

[rozeske]

I also feel like I still have so much to give to society but it seems society doesn't want anything to do without me. Am afraid their would be no hard feelings between the two of us when I finally catch my bus lol

 

[INTJme]

We have never made up our mind right until the final act of CTB. Anything else is just talk and feelings.

Never let anyone tell you otherwise, there is always hope.

Yes, there's always hope that someone won't end up ctb-ing. But at what cost? Speaking for myself only:
Even if I don't ctb, I'll die a hundred deaths every day. Even as a 31 y.o. guy I cry pretty much every night. I've too many traumas. I've tried everything to help me become better but my depression is incurable. Heck, why do you think I trained to became a life coach? It was when I had exhausted all options and this was the only one remaining to maybe help me figure out a way to get out of this miserable existence.

There's no logical reason why I shouldn't ctb, only emotional ones and yes, emotions can sometimes trump logic but for how much longer? We'll see.