rott3nfi1th
Member
- Nov 18, 2025
- 6
I am in my mid 20's for the past 10 years I've wanted to catch the bus. I've attempted to do everything I've felt like I was supposed to in life. Moved out of my parents home, got a drivers license, have had string of relationships etc. Yet I am stuck with the lasting feeling I was not meant to be on this earth. With meds I'm emotionless a husk of a human being just going through daily life. Like some kind of pre programmed npc. Without medication I'm debilitated by non-stop severe panic attacks that take away my ability to even function.
Thus I don't understand the point of my continued existence. My choice seems to be embracing a mediocre life. That I will secretly hate until the underlying stress gives me a massive heart attack, or calling it early. The latter option most days feels like the best. Yet whenever I get to that point of reading a ligature, or getting ready to yank my steering wheel into the nearest tree. One thing takes over. " How would My Mom, and Dad feel?"
I am an only child of two people who struggled to have a child. Their entire lives basically revolve around me. So the thought of putting them through such horrendous pain of burying their only son. Creates this mental block, and I am unable to get past it. I know it may be selfish, but my strongest desire is to overcome this block. To finally take agency for myself. To end this facade of normalcy. I've crafted to seem like I'm finally better. For this act to finally go away once and for all. The final moments of my life to truly be a decision for me. Not just what makes my parents and partner happy.
I know no one reading this will probably care, but I have no friends. So I unfortunately must resort to the opinions of strangers online. Does anyone else have a similar struggle to mine? If so I'd be interested in knowing how you handle this conundrum.
Thus I don't understand the point of my continued existence. My choice seems to be embracing a mediocre life. That I will secretly hate until the underlying stress gives me a massive heart attack, or calling it early. The latter option most days feels like the best. Yet whenever I get to that point of reading a ligature, or getting ready to yank my steering wheel into the nearest tree. One thing takes over. " How would My Mom, and Dad feel?"
I am an only child of two people who struggled to have a child. Their entire lives basically revolve around me. So the thought of putting them through such horrendous pain of burying their only son. Creates this mental block, and I am unable to get past it. I know it may be selfish, but my strongest desire is to overcome this block. To finally take agency for myself. To end this facade of normalcy. I've crafted to seem like I'm finally better. For this act to finally go away once and for all. The final moments of my life to truly be a decision for me. Not just what makes my parents and partner happy.
I know no one reading this will probably care, but I have no friends. So I unfortunately must resort to the opinions of strangers online. Does anyone else have a similar struggle to mine? If so I'd be interested in knowing how you handle this conundrum.
