Venting i feel like if i'm not dead then i'm being manipulative

[breachswapper]

everytime i get super suicidal it's worse than the last. i usually want to die in passing, but the times where i'm actively trying to die are getting more frequent, more intense, and more prolonged. i end up isolating myself very often and withdrawing from friends but when i come back i'm super energetic and affectionate for a few days, and usually lose that energy very quickly because i'm too exhausted to maintain my relationships. i so quickly go from sweet to bitter, i'm so hot and cold with them and it feels like i'm carrying out the same patterns people warn others of. giving someone so much grace and then taking it away, to make them "crave my attention" or something like that, because it's so rare.

it then feels like i'm some sort of attention seeker when i go to be by myself. my friends often try to reach out when i'm gone, and i ignore them, because usually they try to start talking to me like things are normal when i can't handle normal conversation at all. and then it feels like i'm giving them the silent treatment, but i feel like if i tell them not to talk to me they will think i don't love them. they love me so much, and i get a pit in my stomach thinking about the fact that i probably make them feel unloved, and unimportant.

it feels like i am a shell of myself. i don't really have the things i used to offer. all i think about all day is negativity and my favorite show, and i don't think anyone wants to hear about either of those constantly. i feel like that also comes off as manipulative. that i'll never be that amazing person they first met, as if that person was a lie to draw them in.

and then there's the posts about suicide i make, i never really talk about it in person but talk about it a lot on my private twitter, which they do see, and then that feels like it looks like i'm trying to guilt trip them, and that i'm just saying everything for sympathy. i feel like when i'm actually dead, they would understand that i didn't want to hurt them and that i really was just dealing with a lot. i feel like i feel calmer by myself, but i want to have friends, but i shouldn't have friends because the responsibility of them is something i'm too messed up to have, and i really really hate that. i want my friends to be happy and know that i love them, i want to hear them laugh and be happy, that makes me really happy because i love them. i don't want them to think i'm fake. i don't want them to think i see them as disposable. i don't want them to think i don't love them.

(hopefully this is understandable and not to jumbled up, i lost my voice a year ago and it's a lot harder for me to connect my ideas now because i just don't. talk much at all. brain atrophy stuff i think)

 

[monetpompo]

i understand big dawg.
honestly, i have a lot of guilt from being suicidal because i think that i'm not being serious enough about it. i do isolate from my friends but i still talk to them because i'm lonely. it's really hard for me to not bring up how i want to kill myself and how i feel like i don't matter to anyone so i should be left behind. it just feels like i'm suicide baiting by talking about wanting to die but then not even dying. i want to make people not have to worry about me anymore. i feel awful that i try to improve and get worse and try to improve again and get worse. withdrawing from my friends by not texting them or avoiding talking about my life seems to be the only thing i can do to cope. i barely receive texts from anyone to begin with. i think that someone's suicide hurts less when they isolate, but coming back to talk to people makes me feel worse about myself because i was supposed to keep isolating.