I've looked over a few of my journals and realized I have been suicidal for almost a decade now, probably longer but I didn't start journaling about it until I was 16. I can't help but feel that a complete recovery is impossible because of how long I've been hurting, like I'll always just revert back to wanting to end my life. My brain literally feels damaged in this way, and I'm not sure if real recovery is possible :(
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watashiwastar
final smile
- Aug 20, 2024
- 23
i feel this way too. like my brain has been chemically rewired to idealise suicide...
i dont think "full recovery" will ever be possible for people like us, but "partial recovery" can still help. have you explored medication like antidepressants? in my experience they dont really change your feelings towards suicide, but you just think of it less often and function more regularly in day-to-day life
I was on antidepressants as a teenager, but the side effects were too bad, so I really don't want to go down that route ever againA couple of years into my last depressive episode, my psychiatrist had me get an MRI. The results showed a little atrophy of white matter and mentioned pre-dementia. It must be at least only a little pre-dementia because I've since earned my masters degree with a 3.9 GPA and aced the national exam. When my psychiatrist and I discussed the results of my MRI, he mentioned that depression can cause atrophy in the brain. I countered that was true, but so could psychiatric medications. Not trying to scare anyone off antidepressants, they seem to seem to help some people. I'm just not one of them, unfortunately.I find small doses of ecstasy/.mdma helpful with shocking/jump-starting the brain out of long-term depressive episodes. When I have one that's gone on for longer than 6 months I'll dose to reset/get myself out of them.
