Venting i feel like i don't deserve anyone's company

[eggsausagerice]

hello party people o(〃'▽'〃)o
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i'm kind of always toeing the line between i was to ghost everyone because i don't want to depress them and i want to text everyone i know because i'm lonely. some days i just keep on flipping between wanting to ignore people and text them so i get overwhelmed and think that everyone hates me either way.

it's kind of hard for me to feel like a worthwhile person to talk to in general because i'm always kind of jealous of what my other friends have in their lives, even if it's just peace of mind. some days i just don't feel like i'm good enough for anyone if people say stuff like depressed people are too sad to be around. i'd rather people just left me alone if i'm too depressing to be someone they want to talk to, but then i end up having no one. today is one of those days where i didn't really want to talk to anyone because i feel like i would just bum them out. i feel worried that me sticking around in other people's lives is only burdening them. i do have friends that i talk to but i know i can't talk to them every day and i should give them room to breathe. it's just hard to tell when i'm actually wanted or if anyone wants to receive a message from me at all. i feel more like a burden if i'm just texting people instead of hanging out with them irl because i don't know if i'm bothering them while they're in the middle of doing something. i'm anxious that no one misses me when i'm not around.

 

[Nightfoot]

That sounds very painful. We often feel like more of a burden than we actually are. Maybe when texting, you could ask if they're busy if you're wanting to converse. I hope you feel better.

 

[Pluto]

 

[eggsausagerice]

the type of shit going on in my brain in between depressive episodes. may chiikawa save my soul

adding onto the post, being lonely just makes me dwell on all the things i don't like about myself too much. rationally i know that everyone in my life that's still talking to me sees something in me and that i'm probably not annoying, but i also think about how maybe they could be lying to me because people lie to each other sometimes. i rationalize why they must dislike me so much that i naturally come to the conclusion that they already do dislike me and are hiding it from me. everyone that gets close enough to me eventually sees this pattern. sometimes i cut people off then want then back in my life then cut them off and i feel really embarrassed about it because i know that normal people don't think the way i do. they simply find value within themselves because they see themselves as someone worth being friends with. i'm always the least important/capable person in the family. i've always felt pretty dumb since i was born. my mom doesn't think i matter that much since i act too dumb.

i have a date for my suicide after realizing that it'll never really work if i do it impulsively. i'm kind of grieving my past, present, and future self right now. after i die, i won't be a person anymore. but i also won't miss anyone anymore. i have zero hope for my future but now that i actually have a plan and an amount of time left before i die, i just keep thinking about if i'm really meant to stay in touch with anyone or bother doing anything i like if i'm just going to die anyway. "maybe i should just cry and isolate for weeks until i die"? but that'll just make me really bored and sad. i'm starting to do the things i like again and i'm getting into poetry (i have poetry books in my room i haven't had the urge to read until now. i still want to hang out with people and have fun, but i also think that i'm supposed to be more depressed about things. it feels weird. i feel like i just don't know the right way to act. i can never actually relax because i'm feel vaguely upset or sad. i really wish that i could spend more time away from my house. i feel happier when i'm physically away from my house but my dad doesn't want to drive me anywhere anymore and nothing in my town is within walking distance. my problems all feel needlessly repetitive and insignificant compared to everybody else's. yesterday i wondered if there way a way to be alive without having to exist.