Venting I feel like exploding

[ElTopo]

Lately I don't know what happened to me, I spent two weeks not thinking too much about the bad aspects of my life, it's not that I wasn't suicidal, I still was passively suicidal, I didn't want to do it myself, I just wished for it to happen naturally, but I knew it was momentary, I know that whenever I get a serene time in my life it's just bracing me for a really bad down spiral.

Today I felt like exploding, I don't know really, I'm exhausted, maybe it's the lack of sleep or maybe I'm working too much and stuff, or maybe my heart is finally fed up with all the energy drinks and cigarettes.
I get these random headaches and heartaches. I still talk into my head, hoping someone will answer but of course no one does, but yesterday when doing that in my head I got tired of talking in my head, it's like I'm fed up on it, I get tired of explaining myself to myself alone all the time.
Maybe I'll get a psychosis like my sister or my mother and end up in the hospital but what's that gonna change, I can't rely on anyone, I still need to fend for myself.

I'm so fed up and I just wish someone or something could notice but no one I know would help me.

It really feels like my heart is exploding and I wish it had exploded while I still had some hopes left, some wish in myself for love and all, I don't know how I'll drag myself tomorrow and I don't know how I did it all today. It's like it's over already and I'm dead already, there's no more to be done, I did everything correctly even if I did a lot of wrong stuff, I still managed to put the effort in everything.
It's like my life exhausted its purpose or like I'm an arrow that fell to the ground before reaching the mark. There's no way it makes sense to drag myself forward anymore.

 

[eupdplishlp]

i like your metaphor about the arrow falling to ground before it hits it mark, thats very imagantive. lack of sleep litrall eats the brain by the way defo sleep helps. ur imaganative brain probably using more energy than most