Help I feel like committing again, I'm scared

[cookiencream]

I'm scared, it's like whenever I try to think positively life reminds me why I don't like it. And it makes me wonder....what if I just don't like it? Life is like any other thing you can like or dislike. Like some foods you just hate no matter what. Maybe life is like that for me...and that's scary because I can't die but I'll never enjoy living.

 

[Gronwell]

I've been struggling hard with mental health for the 28 years I've been alive, and my dad just said the other day "maybe you should stop trying to fix it? Maybe you're just supposed to feel like this?"

I hadn't really thought of it before he said that, and now I'm reading this...
Maybe it's true.

Maybe we aren't meant to ever feel good about living.

 

[cookiencream]

I've been struggling hard with mental health for the 28 years I've been alive, and my dad just said the other day "maybe you should stop trying to fix it? Maybe you're just supposed to feel like this?"

I hadn't really thought of it before he said that, and now I'm reading this...
Maybe it's true.

Maybe we aren't meant to ever feel good about living.

But no one will ever want to be around me if I'm miserable. No one will love me like this, I can't even love me like this

 

[Cloud Busting]

I've been struggling hard with mental health for the 28 years I've been alive, and my dad just said the other day "maybe you should stop trying to fix it? Maybe you're just supposed to feel like this?"

I hadn't really thought of it before he said that, and now I'm reading this...
Maybe it's true.

Maybe we aren't meant to ever feel good about living.

But no one will ever want to be around me if I'm miserable. No one will love me like this, I can't even love me like this

I'm not trying to offer any consolation prize, but these types of thoughts are what led me to attempt a botched full drop suspension hanging on the early morning of August 28th, 2023. I was expecting people to be angry, but they were relieved instead. Realizing people were ok with my suffering and preferred it to my death is actually why I can never try to kill myself again. I understand for some that would only further bolster their death drive. For me it worked because I felt so guilty to behave the way I was while suffering (e.g. social withdrawal, panic attacks, anger outbursts) and to realize people weren't burdened by it made me realize I was mistaken in my reasons for ctb. I'm not you and I don't know the people you're close to. Rethink this; they may be more supportive than you realize. However if it's true they really do reject you for the way you are I'm sorry to hear that and you truly deserve more.

In my case I quit 'trying' to enjoy life and think positively. I accepted this is just the way I am, but I refuse to feel guilty this time around. I work with it. I live for expanding my consciousness because I truly hope to arrive at a higher plane of existence beyond this life in death. I hate this life, I hate this world, and Im learning to work with that and remember everything is fluid and bound to change so I focus on the present whenever practice and possible (which takes discipline and training.)

It is true that life is just distractions until you die. That this is all for nothing. I hate life, I hate suffering, but I love the world. It's a beautiful place and I feel honored to live in something so mystifying and complex that I'm connected to. Its electrical impulses are mine and mine is the Universe's. We share all this as living beings and it's divine to me. In the words of Fiona Apple:

"I move with the trees in the breeze
I know that time is elastic
and I know when I go
All my particles expand and disperse
And I'll be back in the pulse

And I know none of this
Will matter in the long run
But I know a sound
Is still a sound around no one…"

 

[cookiencream]

I'm not trying to offer any consolation prize, but these types of thoughts are what led me to attempt a botched full drop suspension hanging on the early morning of August 28th, 2023. I was expecting people to be angry, but they were relieved instead. Realizing people were ok with my suffering and preferred it to my death is actually why I can never try to kill myself again. I understand for some that would only further bolster their death drive. For me it worked because I felt so guilty to behave the way I was while suffering (e.g. social withdrawal, panic attacks, anger outbursts) and to realize people weren't burdened by it made me realize I was mistaken in my reasons for ctb. I'm not you and I don't know the people you're close to. Rethink this; they may be more supportive than you realize. However if it's true they really do reject you for the way you are I'm sorry to hear that and you truly deserve more.

In my case I quit 'trying' to enjoy life and think positively. I accepted this is just the way I am, but I refuse to feel guilty this time around. I work with it. I live for expanding my consciousness because I truly hope to arrive at a higher plane of existence beyond this life in death. I hate this life, I hate this world, and Im learning to work with that and remember everything is fluid and bound to change so I focus on the present whenever practice and possible (which takes discipline and training.)

It is true that life is just distractions until you die. That this is all for nothing. I hate life, I hate suffering, but I love the world. It's a beautiful place and I feel honored to live in something so mystifying and complex that I'm connected to. Its electrical impulses are mine and mine is the Universe's. We share all this as living beings and it's divine to me. In the words of Fiona Apple:

"I move with the trees in the breeze
I know that time is elastic
and I know when I go
All my particles expand and disperse
And I'll be back in the pulse

And I know none of this
Will matter in the long run
But I know a sound
Is still a sound around no one…"

I love this song so much, I've heard it before but never knew the name. Thank you. And thank you for the advice, maybe this is just how I am...which is scary but maybe I can be this way in a way that doesn't bring others down too. I'm saying this because a romantic partner left me recently because of this, even despite my best efforts to not burden them. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, I never said much about my mental health anymore and when he got worried I'd tell him I can handle it or I'd talk to my therapist about it. Maybe I should've done more, I don't know. It feels bad that he kept pushing himself to be there for me in a way I know he couldn't and kept telling him not to. I even told him he just needed to be THERE and not shoulder the burden as I have other supports who can...but he didn't listen and it broke the relationship. And now he clearly regrets his decision but he'll never say anything to me or do anything. Sigh sorry for ranting about stupidness like that. It's not like any of this will matter after I'm dead.