Venting I feel like an incel

[cowboypants]

Excuse me I'm a bit drunk.

I'm in my late 20s I have never been in a relationship. I'm awkward with people in general and have high levels of anxiety which got worse as I grew older.

I used to have girl friends like friends when I was younger. But I feel like I lost my game as I grew older.

I get attached too quickly with people. I always wanted to experience love. Since I felt like my mom didnt like and my dad outright is abusive to me.

I feel sad I couldn't experience it. I have put lots of effort into looking my best getting into skincare etc lately . I get appreciation online and even offline but inside I feel broken. It doesn't help I'm a neet. A normal life feels impossible.

 

[derpyderpins]

The dating world has gotten weird and the rules are all changing. I don't think late 20s is anything to feel bad about. How are you going about trying? Apps?

 

[AmericanMary]

Hey:)

I'm probably not your target audience for the post, but I came on to say that your feelings are very valid. Love and relationships are HARD. IMO, they have the biggest emotional toll on one's life.

As this forum was founded by people who identified as incels, and I believe still make up a population of the forum, I do hope you find people you're able to express freely with.<3

I am a pansexual, polyamorous woman. I think the best thing that you can do is put out the best version of yourself. Don't change yourself for anyone & embrace exactly who you are. Find communities you click with. You'll attract the right people.

The best relationships I have been experienced have nothing to do with looks, not even initially. It's all about connection & how you treat others.

 

[DeathWish3301]

Excuse me I'm a bit drunk.

I'm in my late 20s I have never been in a relationship. I'm awkward with people in general and have high levels of anxiety which got worse as I grew older.

I used to have girl friends like friends when I was younger. But I feel like I lost my game as I grew older.

I get attached too quickly with people. I always wanted to experience love. Since I felt like my mom didnt like and my dad outright is abusive to me.

I feel sad I couldn't experience it. I have put lots of effort into looking my best getting into skincare etc lately . I get appreciation online and even offline but inside I feel broken. It doesn't help I'm a neet. A normal life feels impossible.

Sorry you're feeling shitty, man. Same sentiment about the abusive parents, I had them too.

I relate to getting attached too quickly. Usually resulted in toxic relationships with women who were doing the same with me, or just got ghosted because it was moving too fast.

Have you tried medication for the anxiety?

Being a NEET will be a major impacting hindrance to dating, just being real with you.

You care about your physical appearance, which does matter. Women will also notice if you're on point with grooming and self care, and it'll make you atteactive. You got that going for you.

I'll also comment that you seem to possess a good amount of self awareness. Also a good thing.

I'd start with a job/career first, honestly. Women want a provider, they also want someone who has ambition or work ethic at the very least. It doesnt even have to be a great job, it just needs to be something. And outside of dating, it'll give you some purpose and structure.

 

[cowboypants]

The dating world has gotten weird and the rules are all changing. I don't think late 20s is anything to feel bad about. How are you going about trying? Apps?

I have given upon dating long back now i prolly have zero chance being a NEET, when I was around 19 I used to be on the dating apps. But I was very desperate for attention, Where I live, it's pretty conservative.

And I think I don't have the money or positive outlook to show for not to offend anyone. But I have improved myself, gained a few skills, but not gender appropriate like cooking and all but I still feel depressed

 

[derpyderpins]

I have given upon dating long back now i prolly have zero chance being a NEET, when I was around 19 I used to be on the dating apps. But I was very desperate for attention, Where I live, it's pretty conservative.

And I think I don't have the money or positive outlook to show for not to offend anyone. But I have improved myself, gained a few skills, but not gender appropriate like cooking and all but I still feel depressed

Wait, are you saying you have or haven't gotten good at cooking? Because cooking is an excellent skill for a man to have.

I'll just say this: there are also down and lonely women who feel bad about themselves and would probably like to get a cup of coffee. I don't know how you find them, but they exist.

 

[cowboypants]

Sorry you're feeling shitty, man. Same sentiment about the abusive parents, I had them too.

I relate to getting attached too quickly. Usually resulted in toxic relationships with women who were doing the same with me, or just got ghosted because it was moving too fast.

Have you tried medication for the anxiety?

Being a NEET will be a major impacting hindrance to dating, just being real with you.

You care about your physical appearance, which does matter. Women will also notice if you're on point with grooming and self care, and it'll make you atteactive. You got that going for you.

I'll also comment that you seem to possess a good amount of self awareness. Also a good thing.

I'd start with a job/career first, honestly. Women want a provider, they also want someone who has ambition or work ethic at the very least. It doesnt even have to be a great job, it just needs to be something. And outside of dating, it'll give you some purpose and structure.

I have tried my hand at getting anxiety meds. It kinda worked. But I don't feel like I have a purpose and because of money issues I ended up stopping it. I also thought it didn't help me like really. It was like applying a bandage to a heavy bleeding

I identify more with the feminine characteristics than masculine, I feel my issue starts there. I like cooking, cleaning etc Although I'm pretty good with driving and like hands on skill ig...i feel screwed

Wait, are you saying you have or haven't gotten good at cooking? Because cooking is an excellent skill for a man to have.

I'll just say this: there are also down and lonely women who feel bad about themselves and would probably like to get a cup of coffee. I don't know how you find them, but they exist.

I have gotten good at cooking :p

Eating food has been my escape for a long time...thanks man/ woman

 

[divinemistress36]

I have tried my hand at getting anxiety meds. It kinda worked. But I don't feel like I have a purpose and because of money issues I ended up stopping it. I also thought it didn't help me like really. It was like applying a bandage to a heavy bleeding

I identify more with the feminine characteristics than masculine, I feel my issue starts there. I like cooking, cleaning etc Although I'm pretty good with driving and like hands on skill ig...i feel screwed

I have gotten good at cooking :p

Eating food has been my escape for a long time...thanks man/ woman

Someone who likes to cook and clean is quite the attractive quality in my eyes

 

[Beyond_Repair]

Excuse me I'm a bit drunk.

I'm in my late 20s I have never been in a relationship. I'm awkward with people in general and have high levels of anxiety which got worse as I grew older.

I used to have girl friends like friends when I was younger. But I feel like I lost my game as I grew older.

I get attached too quickly with people. I always wanted to experience love. Since I felt like my mom didnt like and my dad outright is abusive to me.

I feel sad I couldn't experience it. I have put lots of effort into looking my best getting into skincare etc lately . I get appreciation online and even offline but inside I feel broken. It doesn't help I'm a neet. A normal life feels impossible.

I'm not an incel so I can't relate much to that (I'm a woman) but due to an abusive upbringing I can't get emotionally close to people and have no desire for a relationship, as I could not imagine being in a healthy one. I do long for love and closeness but my desire to not hurt people outweighs my need for this.

I know this probably won't help at all but just wanted to add my two cents - I've known a lot of people in relationships over the years and so many seem desirable on the outside but in reality there is a lot of chaos and emotional abuse/toxicity that goes on, I think it's much more common than people realize. It's not always what it's cracked up to be

 

[DeathWish3301]

I have tried my hand at getting anxiety meds. It kinda worked. But I don't feel like I have a purpose and because of money issues I ended up stopping it. I also thought it didn't help me like really. It was like applying a bandage to a heavy bleeding

I identify more with the feminine characteristics than masculine, I feel my issue starts there. I like cooking, cleaning etc Although I'm pretty good with driving and like hands on skill ig...i feel screwed

I have gotten good at cooking :p

Eating food has been my escape for a long time...thanks man/ woman

As I said, I'd definitely look into working first. That should be the first thing you do, full stop. It'll help with money issues, give you a sense of normalcy along with a schedule and routine. And again, women want a provider. If you're a dishwasher, its still better than being NEET for dating. And although I highly advise against it for at least a few reasons, you could also meet someone at your job.

I absolutely hate myself; have for most of my life. I faked the fuck out of confidence with the women I dated or hooked up with and it worked for a long time. My depression got so bad in the last two years, I wasn't able to keep up the facade anymore. And believe me, they can smell low self esteem.

As @divinemistress36 said, women love a guy that can cook and clean. Especially with older women, it's a great way to get some.

And in terms of being in touch with your feminine side, bisexual women tend to like that, a lot, from my experiences with them.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I have gotten good at cooking :p

You're like thousands of miles ahead of me on that front at least. I'm already 30 and have never had a relationship either.

 

[willitpass]

As a woman, I can confidently say anyone who says women in general like a certain quality is wrong. Every woman likes someone different. Some women want a bread winning, stoic, hard working man. Some women want a man who shows feelings. Some women want to share financial responsibility, some prefer to be the sole bread winner. Some care about looking, some don't. I myself would want to share finances, I couldn't care less what he looks like as long as he takes decent enough care of himself, and I don't want some strong hard man, I want a man who will cry in front of me and be honest about his feelings. So anyone who tells you "women want XYZ" is lying to you (unless they're talking about basic hygiene and human decency, and even then, there's a demographic for everything). Don't start down this wild goose chase of trying to be what you think a woman wants, be your honest self and you will find someone who is looking for just that. Women are not some carbon copy print, in the exact same way men aren't, so don't bother with that logic.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Love and relationships are HARD. IMO, they have the biggest emotional toll on one's life.

You still don't understand at all. Dating might be a bit challenging for you, whereas it's completely impossible for us. I still haven't had my first kiss yet and almost certainly never will

 

[Vicolo cieco]

You're not alone. I'm 29 and I've never had a relationship. Now I also suffer from erectile dysfunction, so it's over for good.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

How are you going about trying? Apps?

If you are a guy who is average or worse, then dating apps are the perfect way to make you want to CTB for sure.

What could be better than being rejected by almost every woman on the planet? Then on top of that, after countless months of trying you eventually get a great match with an attractive woman only to realise it's a scammer.

Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol all come with warning labels, yet none are even 1% as harmful as dating apps are to a lot of men

 

[derpyderpins]

If you are a guy who is average or worse, then dating apps are the perfect way to make you want to CTB for sure.

What could be better than being rejected by almost every woman on the planet? Then on top of that, after countless months of trying you eventually get a great match with an attractive woman only to realise it's a scammer.

Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol all come with warning labels, yet none are even 1% as harmful as dating apps are to a lot of men

Agree that dating apps suck. I was not suggesting them, just guessing what he might have been trying.

 

[cowboypants]

As a woman, I can confidently say anyone who says women in general like a certain quality is wrong. Every woman likes someone different. Some women want a bread winning, stoic, hard working man. Some women want a man who shows feelings. Some women want to share financial responsibility, some prefer to be the sole bread winner. Some care about looking, some don't. I myself would want to share finances, I couldn't care less what he looks like as long as he takes decent enough care of himself, and I don't want some strong hard man, I want a man who will cry in front of me and be honest about his feelings. So anyone who tells you "women want XYZ" is lying to you (unless they're talking about basic hygiene and human decency, and even then, there's a demographic for everything). Don't start down this wild goose chase of trying to be what you think a woman wants, be your honest self and you will find someone who is looking for just that. Women are not some carbon copy print, in the exact same way men aren't, so don't bother with that logic.

True, it's just hard finding someone that likes me. But only lately have I even begun accepting my own self.

I have lots of oppositon from dad for growing my hair

You're not alone. I'm 29 and I've never had a relationship. Now I also suffer from erectile dysfunction, so it's over for good.

I think there are solutions for ED man. Porn can be a contributor if I'm not wrong

 

[Vicolo cieco]

I think there are solutions for ED man. Porn can be a contributor if I'm not wrong

My ED is probably organic. Perhaps the only solution is to have surgery, but it's expensive and dangerous.

 

[Philipp_Mainländer1]

I know how you feel man, we're sort of spoonfed this idea since childhood that love is this magical force that moves through the world an that there's a somebody for everybody, but its not like that. Whether its men feeling overall undesired, lonely and directionless or women suffering at the hands of abusers or men who just want to use them for sex (there are women out there who struggle with finding romantic partners too, especially those with autism and social anxiety), I get that feeling of just wanting somebody to hold and just to say 'I see you, and I love you'.

The dating world can just feel competitive and overwhelming, after all you're asking somebody to assess you and decide whether they like you enough to want to spend time with you and be intimate. I've only had a couple of rejections, but I just hate being in the position of 'the pursuer' all of time, it's a test of my confidence that just takes a lot of emotional labor to work up to.

I've kind of hung up the phone on anything to do with dating - it's just too draining. If I ever try to reach out again, I think I just want to stick to platonic relationships, but even finding friends is a whole other ball game I don't have the emotional energy to give. It's easier just to LDAR.

 

[attheend13]

I know how you feel man, we're sort of spoonfed this idea since childhood that love is this magical force that moves through the world an that there's a somebody for everybody, but its not like that. Whether its men feeling overall undesired, lonely and directionless or women suffering at the hands of abusers or men who just want to use them for sex (there are women out there who struggle with finding romantic partners too, especially those with autism and social anxiety), I get that feeling of just wanting somebody to hold and just to say 'I see you, and I love you'.

The dating world can just feel competitive and overwhelming, after all you're asking somebody to assess you and decide whether they like you enough to want to spend time with you and be intimate. I've only had a couple of rejections, but I just hate being in the position of 'the pursuer' all of time, it's a test of my confidence that just takes a lot of emotional labor to work up to.

I've kind of hung up the phone on anything to do with dating - it's just too draining. If I ever try to reach out again, I think I just want to stick to platonic relationships, but even finding friends is a whole other ball game I don't have the emotional energy to give. It's easier just to LDAR.

The truth is that there's always that carrot just out of reach. It may be in the form of Relationship, money, success, …false hope takes many forms,not unlike a demon. I met someone on a dating app who loves me. And it exposed me for the loser I am. I feel panic and terror at being alone and guilty and humiliated at how far i am from worthy of his love.
Alone I don't have to see myself. I live in my head.
So, now If I CBT, I'm a monster who hurts my kids and my partner. If I don't I'll be the ruin of them all. If I love them, truly love them then ironically I'll leave them. Or go on being a selfish monster allowing them to love me. Loving them and robbing them of these days you can't get back. Time with me is wasted time that you could have been with someone good.
I'm not diminishing the deep bottomless pit of loneliness. But There is no solution in other people because they're just people. They can't save you and trust me, needing them to is unavoidable when you're as depressed as I am.