I feel I HAVE to CTB even if I ever feel better

[Puppy]

Does anyone else feel like at this point they have to CTB to show you weren't faking wanting to die. I never want to cause others pain but I will admit I've made many attempts to make it clear I'm ready to die. As attention-seeking as it is, I was hoping that making it clear will give me the love and empathy I crave so badly. I've attempted multiple times to only realize dying is way harder than I could've imagined or maybe I'm just awful at trying to kms too. The one attempt that my loved ones were made aware of didn't result in receiving the comfort and care I thought I would get after they saw I'm hurting so bad. I don't want my loved ones to think I've been doing this just for attention and unfortunately the way it works people will only be sad once someone is gone for good. I don't want my loved ones to think I've been torturing them with my problems for no reason. There's actually a reason and that's that I want to end my life. Its always been a worry that people think I'm faking it, being too dramatic and in one hospital stay a couple nurses actually confirmed they believed that. That is something that fuels me more. I've genuinley tried recovering but I think even if I no longer wanted to CTB I still have to. I feel I am obligated to CTB whether it be today or in month that is what I HAVE to do and what I was put here to do. Does anyone sort of relate to this feeling or am I just a more awful person than I already am

 

[ewigeruhe]

Whatever others say don't take it too seriously the only one you have to understand and be content with is yourself. I tried to CTB 4 times now and fortunately i am totally alone so nobody knows. Unfortunately i was/am too naive and stupid to succeed but at least i learned some things in the process. As for feeling pressured to CTB too not look disingenious i would say that is an unecesarry spot you put yourself into out of misplaced guilt. Maybe it would help if you ponder your life and options a bit.
Anyway best of luck for your Journey.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Does anyone else feel like at this point they have to CTB to show you weren't faking wanting to die.

Yes

 

[Puppy]

Yes

I'm sorry you're in the same boat

Whatever others say don't take it too seriously the only one you have to understand and be content with is yourself. I tried to CTB 4 times now and fortunately i am totally alone so nobody knows. Unfortunately i was/am too naive and stupid to succeed but at least i learned some things in the process. As for feeling pressured to CTB too not look disingenious i would say that is an unecesarry spot you put yourself into out of misplaced guilt. Maybe it would help if you ponder your life and options a bit.
Anyway best of luck for your Journey.

Thank you so much for your words of advice I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing but very admirable you admit to learning things in the process. I wish you the best as well

 

[Forever Sleep]

Please don't do it because you feel obligated to. I do understand where you are coming from but put it this way- if you do end up doing it, is it likely to make your friends and family feel any better as opposed to still having you around?

Not saying that to try and guilt you from doing what you want (I believe it's a choice we all have the right to make.) Just trying to say that doing it to prove a point (even/especially if the desire to ctb is gone) may make them see your pain as sincere but ultimately, it won't do anyone any favours. You'll be gone and they'll be mourning.

I'm so very sad for you. It is clear that you are in a very unhappy and lonely place. I can see why you hoped that a suicide attempt would gain the love and support you need and deserve. I can only think that the people around you are 'normies' and maybe they just don't know how to help you. It might not be that they don't care but more that they feel ill equipt to help.

I've never told my family outright that I want to ctb. Honestly, my Dad gets kind of bored when our conversations are too negative. I just don't think they can handle it. I think they get frustrated that they have coped with life's struggles- why can't we?

Can I ask if you have ever spoken to someone professionally? A councelor or the like? I did try once briefly. Just found it really intrusive and uncomfortable but I think it can help if you are willing to persevere with it.

I wish I knew what to say to help. I have quite a warped sense of the world I think. I live an extremely isolated life and I've learnt quite a bitter lesson that you really can't rely on other people to help you. Somehow, trying to reduce the hope/expectation that people will be around to help also reduces the disappointment when they aren't. Sorry- I know that's super negative and probably not very helpful. Guess I'm just trying to say in a way- we are all out for ourselves. We can only truly fully count on ourselves too.

What you might have expressed in your past wasn't a promise- it was an expression of how unhappy you were. It's unfortunate that people didn't seem to believe it. Just because you didn't do it, it doesn't make it insincere- we all have tons of thoughts and wishes of all sorts of things that we don't necessarily act upon. It doesn't make those emotions any less real. Don't feel guilty or ashamed of yourself for either having or expressing those thoughts but I guess I'm also saying- try not to expect a lot of support if you do express them again- considering what has happened in the past.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I wish you well.

 

[akana]

Relate immensely. I've made it clear so many times through desperation in order to seek urgency from people. I feel obliged to CTB absolutely. Kind of heartbreaking to know people only care when you're actually dead and not the emotions that lead up to it when they say they could do anything and everything. People ask and don't offer or sacrifice anything whatsoever


The attempts I've had didn't occur with the same comfort I expected either and its horrible. It's only a true genuine case of desperation and reflection for how low I am which I wanted people to realise. they haven't & never did or just don't have introspection to realise how hurt I feel by them or take any responsibility or take any clear minutes or time outs to think themselves. My family have made it clear they give zero, completely zero shits. I've seen it all & don't want to be alive to be demoralised anymore unfortunately