Discussion Do you ever feel this way?

[date with death]

Hey guys. I'm new to ss. Used to just scroll mindlessly reading on this site then decided to make an account, not sure why. I've been suicidal for as long as i can remember, i think most of it has to do with some form of severe adhd, but im not diagnosed or anything so take that with a grain of salt. I want to ask tho, does anyone else have a relatively good life and is still suicidal? I feel very blessed, i have a decent living situation, decent financial situation, not super bad trauma (still have trauma it's just not to the extent of some of the things I've read here) and i have a good support system (in theory, others would say I've got lots of people around me but i mostly feel alone.) i often feel bad for being suicidal and was just wondering if anyone else has this problem.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Idk if it's really the exact same situation you are in and y u r suicidal but in my case, a big failure in life with the major result of a lack of money made me suicidal in my early 40s. I have no mental health history before that and no other illness history, I'm quite healthy physically even after that. My life is still "good" especially since I do not have any severe or general health issues that need permanent medical treatment and medical assistance. Yet I'm still suicidal and think that It'd be better if I was long gone - my situation won't change. In my case, I have everything but money and personal success that is where I failed big in life and that kills me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find some sollace here.

My life isn't exceptionally bad or good really. I imagine a lot of people would consider me lucky in some ways. It's still a huge struggle though. Is your situation affecting you to the point that you are struggling to sustain your 'ok' situation? Was there a trigger that started your ideation?

I've also had ideation for a very long time- 35 years, since I was 10. I suppose sometimes, I would wonder if I felt this way out of habit. Perhaps that's part of it. It's not like I didn't try to make things better in life though. Plus, there are reasons I have these thoughts. I simply don't enjoy vast necessary chunks of life so, to me it feels justified.

I don't know if it's always helpful to wonder if it's justified though really. Unless telling ourselves that banishes it. It's usually still there though- as a feeling and it can feel troubling for many reasons. Because it makes us unhappy or even the frustration that we have it but, don't feel able to act on it. So, it's still problematic- whether it's justified or not. Plus, I think that feeling it may be unjustified just slaps a layer of guilt on the top. I think we just feel what we feel. Emotions are complicated.

 

[Apathy79]

I'd be interested to find out why you are suicidal. My best friend was similar. He had a stable job, a wife, kids, seemed to get along with that family and also his own parents and siblings. Physical health was fine. Mentally he could hold a conversation and was actually quite funny. Yet he hated himself with a ferocity I've never seen since. For example, he got out in cricket once and smashed his head against a brick wall, knocking himself out. He could have died if he fell differently. That kind of thing. His hands were mangled from punching walls. And one day he jumped in front of a truck and that was it. Trying to figure out what was happening with him internally has stumped me for a decade now. Still none the wiser. But people like you intrigue me, because you might get it. When circumstances are fine but you are suicidal anyway, what drives it? I'd be intrigued to know your answer.