Venting I feel hijacked by my own emotional states (Puppet on a string)

[darksoul999]

So i was diagnosed with bipolar "type 2" & feel its impossible to break free from.

I'm constantly on a roller coaster chasing short term highs which never fix the the long term lows.

My internal emotions most of the time do not feel aligned with my bodily actions.

Every desire i get to "fix" my life, that charge of energy never last long enough for me to consistently make the right decisions or to stay on track.

I have tried anti-depression medications, ketamine, mushrooms, therapy, and many other things that seem to work short term but always fail sooner or later.

My mind looks at the future and simply does not see a way for long term progress to be made, this is a big reason i want to CTB.

simply, what is the point?

I am too intelligent to fall for the smoke and mirrors of this material world to believe that any object, relationship or short term joyful experience will ever fix this.

I suppose this is a vent but FUCK!

I just do not know what to do anymore.... & I'm only a 26 year old male...

Talk about early life crisis LOL

 

[ctb_warrior]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
As far as I have known about Bipolar, as my own mother had suffered from it, and we changed many psychiatrists before coming across this one particular psychiatrist, after his treatment her situation improved miraculously and she has never had any symptoms after his prescribed medicines. I'm not sure which medicines were they. I know that she's on a maintenance dose of abilify and is totally in control without any symptoms.
As you've mentioned you are intelligent so I believe it can be easier for you to overcome this after you are given the right medicines.
I wish you all the love, luck, peace and success in whatever you choose

 

[darksoul999]

Thanks for your feedback man!

That is what these doctors keep telling me.

Oh, you just need to try another medication! the issue is its incredibly challenging for me at least to withstand all the negative side effects.

Its one thing or another. They give me even more medications to fix the negative side effects from the medication before it.

its just tiring. Should one live like a pet rat in a laboratory? LOL

I just want to scream "Fuck the world" and jump....

 

[ctb_warrior]

Thanks for your feedback man!

That is what these doctors keep telling me.

Oh, you just need to try another medication! the issue is its incredibly challenging for me at least to withstand all the negative side effects.

Its one thing or another. They give me even more medications to fix the negative side effects from the medication before it.

its just tiring. Should one live like a pet rat in a laboratory? LOL

I just want to scream "Fuck the world" and jump....

I can completely relate with this . Even one of my previous Psychiatrist kept experimenting with me.. my current Psychiatrist who's a junior psychiatrist but very sharp minded finally gave me the right meds that proved helpful.

Although, don't rely on jumping if you ever want to ctb using that. Jumping is considered a non method because of chances of failed attempt

 

[darksoul999]

I am happy to hear you are getting some relief :)

I would never consider jumping, to many ways for it to go wrong.

although, as an adrenaline junkie it would be more dramatic and fun than screaming fuck the world! before drinking a glass of SN.

I have some SN. I also have fentanyl. Both could prove useful or could not work.

I have survived an OD before off fent in the past. I would rate it a 10/10 as far as being a peaceful way to go but its reliability its questionable.

The issue with SN is i do not have any Meto. It would just be the SN going down my throat.

I am thinking about just taking the 4 grams of fent i do have, getting a hotel room, then start doing line after line till lights out.

I have 0 tolerance so perhaps ill get lucky this time.