Story i feel guilty for telling my friend (am i irredeemable trash)

[wiinterfrost]

So, at the beginning of the year i told two people that i am at my end and that i might end it this year. Let's call them A and B.
I told A first, and asked them if they would be willing to manage my material possessions when i am gone. A and i are not that close, seeing each other only several times a year, nonetheless i think we share a sort of special bond. They respect my autonomy and was also conflicted, yet in the end they agreed to vaguely take care of affairs (even if i told them they could burn my stuff or give it all to charity idrc.)
Even this first thing i feel horrible about right now, because i am potentially putting them in danger if they knew beforehand? Even if i kept all details incredibly vague and we haven't talked about it since and saw each other recently where we didn't talk about it at all and i think i gave them the impression i was fine (or not, idk i might be really bad at masking these days).

What makes this worse though, is telling B. B and i share a very strong bond even if we haven't seen each other in over one and a half years and we stopped talking a long time etc. This changed at the beginning of the year because i wanted to get in touch with people i still love, the few people who weren't abusive or assholes or bigots (counted on one hand). Just to see them a last time, talk to them, be near them, after over a year of complete isolation and almost no human conversation. One last time before i depart.

The thing with B is... they have a way of just making me open up. They make me wanna pour my heart out, divulge my secrets and hand them my soul. We were writing messages a little after i initially reached out and i let slip that i might not make it out of this year alive.
Fast forward to the last weeks and we shared some videocalls (they've been in a completely different country these past months) and i don't know how it got here but i told them about planning to catch the bus in april. It's... ugh.

We're both proper broke (who the fuck isn't) and B said they wanted to see me before then. But they couldn't just casually book a flight and hitchhiking such a long distance would be too much and the date at which they could've hitched a ride with someone was way past my date and i told them that and like... I felt so guilty. It felt so wrong. So wrong to be divulging this information and sharing this but also.
I want to see B. B wants to see me. They want to see me before i die. (Oh, i forgot to mention that they reacted similarly to A in that they accept my autonomy. Know that i am rational enough to make my own decisions and forcing me to stay alive would just hurt me more.)

B had also planned a trip to another country even further away and had an expensive flight for that (how long did they have to save up i wonder?) but now they decided to just...not go. Instead borrowing money to get a flight here just to see me one last time. Even more money spent for me. And i can't even guarantee B that i will be able to tolerate more than two days of company, because everything hurts too much, especially being around things or people i still love.

Not only that but B has BPD and i imagine i am putting so much emotional stress on them and like. What am i doing? Why am i letting B come so close? Why did i tell them all of this? (even if i kept all information to a minimum - not telling how or where i wanna do it, or even giving an exact date. becoming an adult and losing so much to oversharing taught me the hard way to keep information like that from slipping out.)
How could i let them book a flight to a place, to a country, they don't even really want to be in just to see me for a meagre 48hours at maximum? How could i put them through a couple weeks of emotional distress while they know i am going to commit suicide soon and there is nothing they can do and they feel wrong not doing anything but they know trying to prevent me is harmful and... I mean, am i putting them in legal danger?

Ugh. I feel so guilty. It also hit me, before writing this down, that it is really shitty of me. Like really.
But we are human beings and sometimes you get wrapped up in emotions and the messiness of things and it just... happened. Happened that i told them and they said they're coming. (doesn't make it less shitty of me though.) And i can't deny that feeling them and smelling them and hearing them next to me again after a very long time just seems wonderful and like something i want. But i also don't want it because i know how love (love for the world or music or poetry or people or a specific thing) just makes me want to ignore all my plans and like - pretend i can keep on living. But i've spent years and years going through that roundabout and i know with such certainty i cannot keep on living and exhausted all possible options that are in my realm of possibility to keep on living.

I don't know. I am out of air. (like, metaphorically.) This doesn't have a neat end but yeah. That's the story.
Sorry B for making you go through this.

 

[theboy]

deep...

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Hey, I know something of what you're going through. I read your entire post from top to bottom. The guilt can really be overpowering. You are certainly not "irredeemable trash" though, it's clear that you care about B and they care about you, and regardless of what happens, I think they'll be glad that you told them and that they were able to at least give you a proper send-off. I sincerely doubt they care about the money. Sounds like B is someone of great character.

And you certainly wouldn't be the first person to have opened their mouth when they hadn't intended to.

If you'll permit me my own vent...I had this online friend who lived in another country. For the most part, we hadn't talked for the past three years due to my having feelings for him (and it not being reciprocated). I was planning my CTB for the end of March, and so in January I contacted him and asked if me flying to see him would be possible, as a sort of "last-thing-to-do-before-I-die" kind of thing. He said it was, but he was hesitant because he knew I'd been suicidal in the past and was worried about what might happen if the trip ended up being a disappointment to me. I reassured him that I would never CTB solely because of that but...it was a lie by omission. The truth was that I was already planning on CTBing anyway, so it didn't matter to me how the trip went or how much it costed. We were about to start planning things, but my consciousness was nagging at me. Openness had always been the hallmark of our friendship, and I felt I had an obligation to tell him...

So I told him that I was suicidal. I didn't tell him I was planning it or anything, but nonetheless, he did not have a good reaction to it, and unlike your friends, was not supportive of my autonomy. All I ended up doing by sharing was making his already-bad anxiety worse and we had to forgo the trip because he said he felt pressured, and that's of course the last thing I wanted him to feel. I cried a lot in the following days because of how guilty I felt for causing him so much grief over the years, and then I messaged him and made him promise that he would never try to contact me again. I never want to be the one who hurts him again, and if I CTB, I never want him to find out about it.

 

[wiinterfrost]

If you'll permit me my own vent...

oh my. sorry that it ended that way. and unrequited love sucks. frog knows i've had my fair share of that.
but kudos to you for trying! for taking that step of travelling, for telling yourself you can do this one last thing before ending it all. it must have taken an enormous amount of courage, especially after 3years of no-contact with him.

and uff, yeah i also know how it is to be rejected for being suicidal. honestly i lost all my friends after telling them in 2022 and i wonder why those two reacted differently this time. perhaps because i am more certain. less frazzled, not dependant on receiving love, more matter-of-fact and making sure i have boundaries with what i share. or idk. maybe they also changed. maybe it's just the right time right now.

You are certainly not "irredeemable trash" though

oh and thank you for saying that. well i hope they'll think so too that it wasn't the wrong decision. and yes B is great

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

oh my. sorry that it ended that way. and unrequited love sucks. frog knows i've had my fair share of that.
but kudos to you for trying! for taking that step of travelling, for telling yourself you can do this one last thing before ending it all. it must have taken an enormous amount of courage, especially after 3years of no-contact with him.

Thanks, in some twisted way it gave me the closure I needed to CTB, honestly.

and uff, yeah i also know how it is to be rejected for being suicidal. honestly i lost all my friends after telling them in 2022 and i wonder why those two reacted differently this time. perhaps because i am more certain. less frazzled, not dependant on receiving love, more matter-of-fact and making sure i have boundaries with what i share. or idk. maybe they also changed. maybe it's just the right time right now.

It's crazy how many stories I've read on here of people losing friends due to being open about being suicidal. It's a shitty thing to go through but I try to extend empathy towards those friends anyway; if you're a pro-lifer who has never once questioned whether life is inherently valuable or not, it can be really overwhelming and I imagine some of them instinctively pull away as a defense mechanism.

oh and thank you for saying that. well i hope they'll think so too that it wasn't the wrong decision. and yes B is great

Good luck with whatever comes your way, whether you CTB or not <3 Feel free to make an update post at some point in the future, I'd be glad to read it.