I was abused and neglected as a child. As an adult I became a doormat who willingly lets people use me. I'll go without to give to others, and have even got into debt because of this. As an example, I 'lent' £2,000 to an acquaintance (not friend) I barely knew because she supposedly didn't have enough money to pay her tuition fees. Me being BEYOND desperate for anyone to like me/stay in my life, of course I stepped in to be the hero. And of course I got used as always, of course she didn't become my friend, and of course she didn't pay me back.
I'm a student, I'm not rich by any means. And please don't make jokes like 'can I be your friend' because it's not a laughing matter. I've spent a lifetime trying to buy people's love and all I've received in return is debt. It's like I have no control over it and can't even stop myself, even when I KNOW I'm being used. Wtf is wrong with me?
Anyway, I finally found the strength to cut out my leech of a sister yesterday and I feel SO GUILTY I couldn't even sleep last night. Long story short she was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. We were close when we were younger, but as adults I cut contact with our scum parents and she continued her relationship with them and cut ME out instead. She'd only ever contact me when she needed to borrow money. She shunned me from family events, and her life in general. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant- I found out from a distant relative who lives abroad.
I've tried so hard to buy her love over the years and given her so much. I never got anything in return, other than used. Obviously.
She recently started talking to me again because she needed money. She then started talking to me about her life, which I found strange. She was telling me her relationship had fallen apart and her ex is threatening to take her kid. She said she's having a really tough time and thinks she's depressed. To be honest I found it VERY difficult to sympathise with someone who never gave a fuck about me, and didn't even check in on me after my suicide attempt. I tried for a while but just couldn't do it. I told her I don't want to hear it, and that she never cared when I was depressed either.
Then I found out our parents have turned against her and are sending her abusive messages. Which explains why she was confiding in me- she has no one else. The golden child status has imploded.
She called me yesterday saying she was really depressed because her ex had taken her daughter. She didn't want to be alone and asked if I'd go stay with her. I dropped everything and immediately went to the train station. The trains were all cancelled, so I told her I'd have to get a coach instead. Already had the ticket. She said 'don't worry about it he brought her back'.
To say I was furious was an understatement. I'd dropped everything to be there for her, and the second she gets her daughter back she no longer needs me. At least a 'thanks for trying' or 'I appreciate you being there' would have been nice, instead of don't worry about it I don't need you anymore... I felt so used and so stupid. I told her she's a shameless user who only remembers I exist when she needs something, and she was never there for me when I needed someone. I said she's a narcissistic toxic person and I'm done being used, and the old 'you made your bed so lie in it' line. I then blocked her.
Since then I've felt so guilty. It took me so long to fall asleep last night, and I can't stop thinking about it during the day either. I feel so bad for cutting her out while she's suffering and needs someone. But she never have a fuck when I was suffering... or homeless... or attempted suicide... WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH? Is there something wrong with me? Am I fucking braindead? I'm so sick of this shit. This alone might be enough to finally push me over the edge soon.
I'm a student, I'm not rich by any means. And please don't make jokes like 'can I be your friend' because it's not a laughing matter. I've spent a lifetime trying to buy people's love and all I've received in return is debt. It's like I have no control over it and can't even stop myself, even when I KNOW I'm being used. Wtf is wrong with me?
Anyway, I finally found the strength to cut out my leech of a sister yesterday and I feel SO GUILTY I couldn't even sleep last night. Long story short she was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. We were close when we were younger, but as adults I cut contact with our scum parents and she continued her relationship with them and cut ME out instead. She'd only ever contact me when she needed to borrow money. She shunned me from family events, and her life in general. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant- I found out from a distant relative who lives abroad.
I've tried so hard to buy her love over the years and given her so much. I never got anything in return, other than used. Obviously.
She recently started talking to me again because she needed money. She then started talking to me about her life, which I found strange. She was telling me her relationship had fallen apart and her ex is threatening to take her kid. She said she's having a really tough time and thinks she's depressed. To be honest I found it VERY difficult to sympathise with someone who never gave a fuck about me, and didn't even check in on me after my suicide attempt. I tried for a while but just couldn't do it. I told her I don't want to hear it, and that she never cared when I was depressed either.
Then I found out our parents have turned against her and are sending her abusive messages. Which explains why she was confiding in me- she has no one else. The golden child status has imploded.
She called me yesterday saying she was really depressed because her ex had taken her daughter. She didn't want to be alone and asked if I'd go stay with her. I dropped everything and immediately went to the train station. The trains were all cancelled, so I told her I'd have to get a coach instead. Already had the ticket. She said 'don't worry about it he brought her back'.
To say I was furious was an understatement. I'd dropped everything to be there for her, and the second she gets her daughter back she no longer needs me. At least a 'thanks for trying' or 'I appreciate you being there' would have been nice, instead of don't worry about it I don't need you anymore... I felt so used and so stupid. I told her she's a shameless user who only remembers I exist when she needs something, and she was never there for me when I needed someone. I said she's a narcissistic toxic person and I'm done being used, and the old 'you made your bed so lie in it' line. I then blocked her.
Since then I've felt so guilty. It took me so long to fall asleep last night, and I can't stop thinking about it during the day either. I feel so bad for cutting her out while she's suffering and needs someone. But she never have a fuck when I was suffering... or homeless... or attempted suicide... WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH? Is there something wrong with me? Am I fucking braindead? I'm so sick of this shit. This alone might be enough to finally push me over the edge soon.
