Venting i feel guilty for hurting my bf & it makes me want to hurt myself

[sillypuppygirl]

tldr; I made my boyfriend feel used during sex and the guilt is eating me alive. He has been very distant with me (understandable), but i cant carry this guilt and loneliness and i have already relapsed on self harm. It feels like my world is ending when someone is mad at me and i don't know how to fix it.

Im a 21 yr old female and i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years now. when I was (around) 11 I was sexually abused by my best friend, and age 18 I was raped (by my boyfriend.. its a long story.) It was so traumatic, Im working it out in therapy to this day and its kind of ruining every part of my life. I began cutting myself when i was a teenager (I really cant remember what age. I want to say 16-18) and its honestly the worst thing i have ever started. I am a sensitive girl and i spiral very easily. At every small inconvenience there is a voice in my head telling me to cut myself.

Im writing this post because i want to talk about something that recently happened with my boyfriend. Recently life has actually been liveable. I have been going to work fine with no anxiety and i have been happy in my relationship with him. Until last weekend when i was out for a friends birthday, and i got really drunk. I was going to his house afterwards and he told me before i went out to drink wine because he was planning on having sex. I got home from being out and we had sex, and after i just knew something felt wrong. He told me that he felt "used" and that "it didnt feel like we were doing that together". I am not going to get into the details of what happened but he basically insinuated that it was really bad and that i was only doing it for my own pleasure. It doesn't really make sense to me because i didn't finish, it didn't last very long and i was giving rather than receiving lets just say for over half of it.

Okay that sounds really rude but I don't care about it being short or not good for me or whatever. What really hurt my feelings was him calling it bad, and in the moment, I got offended and defensive and i really regret it, because it shouldn't have even been about me, he felt used and thats an awful way to feel. I really wish i could go back in time and just apologise straight away. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself because i was over a bottle of wine deep. I was very drunk and not thinking clearly. He fell asleep beside me after the tense conversation and i was in work the next day so i had my blade with me. I got up and went to his bathroom and cut myself before going to bed. I was 3 months clean :/

It has been a few days since this happened and I have said sorry so many times that i actually think im annoying him about it at this point, i bought him gifts and im offering to do activities with him. But things are just not the same. Things are really distant right now, he wont hug me unless i ask, no kissing, no holding hands, no sex ect ect. I know all he needs is time but this is why im writing this post. I am so fucking attached and i physically feel like i cant wait an unknown amount of time for things to be better. And in my mind i know hes not going to be seeing my body any time soon so i just want to cut myself again. I feel so selfish getting upset about this and i have been trying soooo hard in therapy to detach myself from him even just a little bit but its just so hard. Physical touch is very important to me and im feeling very lonely at the moment. I know its completely my fault and i have nobody else to blame but myself. I just needed to type these words out because I have nobody to talk to about this.

Thanks for reading.

 

[U. A.]

sorry you're hurting; you didn't ask for perspective but i imagine you'd not have posted this if you didn't want any. so just stop reading now if not:

without knowing more than the above, this sounds not good. like he sounds not good. someone who raped you claiming he felt used? am i understanding the following correctly:

I was going to his house afterwards and he told me before i went out to drink wine because he was planning on having sex.

means he told you to get drunk because he wanted to have sex while you were drunk?
if so that is all kinds of extra fucked up that he would claim being "used" after the fact. he sounds like a manipulative piece of shit who knows you are attached and really need physical intimacy.

again, based solely on this single post.

 

[sillypuppygirl]

sorry you're hurting; you didn't ask for perspective but i imagine you'd not have posted this if you didn't want any. so just stop reading now if not:

without knowing more than the above, this sounds not good. like he sounds not good. someone who raped you claiming he felt used? am i understanding the following correctly:

means he told you to get drunk because he wanted to have sex while you were drunk?
if so that is all kinds of extra fucked up that he would claim being "used" after the fact. he sounds like a manipulative piece of shit who knows you are attached and really need physical intimacy.

again, based solely on this single post.

Thank you for reading and thank you for replying.
I completely understand where you're coming from and even when i was typing that sentence out, i thought about how weird it was. I guess i didn't think of that before.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention even further and I think i will bring this up to him when i see him again.

 

[yesi]

Does he have a history of pulling away over things like this or other seemingly unreasonable things? It sounds manipulative if he does.

I understand why you're doing it but try to stand up for yourself and don't beg and bring gifts especially if he's not interested in talking out what happened.

 

[U. A.]

Thank you for reading and thank you for replying.
I completely understand where you're coming from and even when i was typing that sentence out, i thought about how weird it was. I guess i didn't think of that before.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention even further and I think i will bring this up to him when i see him again.

it can be really hard to see the shit when you're surrounded by it. i'm a lot older than you and i could be wrong—again i am also basing this entirely on the few sentences you're provided—but i would frankly start thinking about the possibility of leaving him because abusers tend to be extremely reluctant to stopping being abusers.
good luck

 

[sillypuppygirl]

Does he have a history of pulling away over things like this or other seemingly unreasonable things? It sounds manipulative if he does.

I understand why you're doing it but try to stand up for yourself and don't beg and bring gifts especially if he's not interested in talking out what happened.

Yeah actually. Usually after conflict he just wants to be left alone. I have told him a lot of times that i would really prefer to just fix the situation asap, but he would prefer the opposite. I just put it down to anxious attachment style vs avoidant attachment style.

We have kind of talked about it but it felt like i was dragging the conversation out of him. He would give short answers and not really seem interested in helping the situation.
Thank you for your reply