Venting I feel disgusting

[zvee]

I wish I was born normal. I see my friends enjoying everyday life, being motivated to do things and getting further from working hard. I wish I could push myself but there is some sort of drive just lacking in me. I want to but no matter what I just can't push myself to do things, I cannot fathom thinking positively about anything and even though I've been trying so hard to get better everything always just circles back to the way it was. I have never truly enjoyed being alive, I wish I had the courage to kill myself. I want to, but I guess I have 'good' things going for me in my life right now. I made it through school, I have a job and a boyfriend but none of it brings me any joy it all just feels meaningless. I'm constantly unhappy during moments where I should be enjoying myself, I constantly feel like I'm lacking in everything, I don't understand what my boyfriend sees in me I wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating on me but I also feel horrible thinking that way. I don't have a good personality, I have always struggled with my own appearance and am extremely self conscious. I can't imagine anybody ever finding me genuinely attractive. I hate how people lie so easily, my friends and my boyfriend and my family all telling me I have so much going for me, I just wonder why lie? Why make me question what I know to be true. If these people were honest with me I think I'd have a lot of an easier time ending it instead of holding onto some stupid small hope that what they're saying is true, even if it's just the tiniest bit. I know they just feel bad for me and are trying not to upset me but I've realised I appreciate honesty more than anything else and it feels so hard to get people to be honest with me, especially being someone who has struggles with mental health, and other people knowing that, it just feels like they are treating me like I'm fragile. How embarrassing it would be for me to believe them and go around thinking I'm good looking, nice etc when I'm not. I just want to die, I wish there was an easier way of killing myself it all feels like a lot of effort. I considered ordering SN but if anybody ever found out it'd be a huge deal and I'd never be left on my own again. I tried hanging myself but I can't get over my own survival instinct. I was thinking of just disappearing one night and walking until I collapse. We live near a lot of empty farms and forests so maybe nobody would find me and I'd just die, idk. I don't even know why I'm posting this, I just want somebody who understands me. I have to delete everything in my notes cuz my boyfriend has gone through them before and seen me venting and he made a huge deal out of it. He's too nice of a person but he's also too normal, I don't think someone like him could ever understand me and I think he is just staying with me because he feels bad for me. He is the type of person to try and fix people, to talk to people purely because he feels bad for them. Sometimes I wonder if I should break up with him because I'm not well in the head and it's probably affecting him but I don't think I'd ever find anyone who is capable of pretending to love me like he is but that's so selfish. I'd rather just die then have to deal with any of it. I'm so sick of it all.