I feel absolutely alone in this dark chapter of my life

[Terrible_Life]

I suffer a lot these days. I feel completely alone, I have no one and I just want to die now. Its my only wish. Theres no debate anymore inside whether i should or not.
I feel as if I was fooled because I just wonder why the hell was I here in this world? For what did I fought so much with all these handicaps I had right from the beginning in my childhood….
Anyway unfortunately theres no answer to that. I think this is my final year I am gonna do it.
Sasu helped more than the shit suicide hotline and much more than therapy where i needed to be careful with what I'd say otherwise i'd end in psychiatry.
At least I saw here on sasu how many people suffer and suffer and just wanna free themself from all the pain by committing suicide. I didn't felt so strange by the wish to hang myself as I saw and read so many posts of members here who also struggle.
Its a shame when life turns out to be this tragedy this nightmare and then people have no other option but to kill themself. Society should allow everyone to die peacefully.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i don't think I've ever had an actual friend in life. I've gotten along with classmates and coworkers before, and chatted with people on discord, but I've never considered anybody a true friend

 

[darksouls]

when I called the suicide hotline last december, the asshole on the other end of the line hung up on me

 

[Terrible_Life]

when I called the suicide hotline last december, the asshole on the other end of the line hung up on me

Same happened to me. A woman said she don't wanna talk amylonger because my story would make her feel bad another one said and i quote if you wanna die then do it then theres nothing i can do for u ….

i don't think I've ever had an actual friend in life. I've gotten along with classmates and coworkers before, and chatted with people on discord, but I've never considered anybody a true friend

Same for me it were just temporary social interactions and most ended with a dispute. It took me too much time and low points in life until I realized what's the problem well in the end that also didn't help because the so called problem is in my psyche and ever since my childhood was there thanks to a shit up bringing i had.

It will be a good day when i am finally dead

 

[unluckysadness]

I wish you eternal peace

 

[Terrible_Life]

I wish you eternal peace

Lets hope that I will find that eternal peace…and lets hope I'll finally just do it. Everything is ready to hang myself fully.

 

[Bruce]

@Terrible_Life My heart hurts when I read stories like yours. I wish I could help. I wish we could meet in safety and talk and not be alone anymore.

 

[Terrible_Life]

@Terrible_Life My heart hurts when I read stories like yours. I wish I could help. I wish we could meet in safety and talk and not be alone anymore.

Unfortunately I have no one with whom I could talk about all this in person:(
This makes it all much worse because i am forced to keep everything to me all the pain the sadness and my wish to hang myself.
In the end i was always alone and alone i'll die.

 

[Bruce]

Unfortunately I have no one with whom I could talk about all this in person:(
This makes it all much worse because i am forced to keep everything to me all the pain the sadness and my wish to hang myself.
In the end i was always alone and alone i'll die.

And I.. am the same. I was always alone and alone I will die.

 

[android]

And I.. am the same. I was always alone and alone I will die.

Why is loneliness so bothersome? It is in absolute loneliness that finding true peace is possible. I envy the people who have nothing left. Close your eyes and you can prerty mjch experience death already. There is not much to live for at that point, not many threads tying you back to earth.

I feel like the problem these days is that no one is actually "lonely". We don't experience true loneliness anymore. We replace it with pornography, film, YouTube, podcasts, audio books.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I just wish to be gone as well, all I want is to permanently cease existing and never suffer in this cruel, torturous existence ever again, it sounds like you've suffered so much, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I hope you find peace.

 

[unluckysadness]

And I.. am the same. I was always alone and alone I will die.

Me too. Like an alien on this earth...

 

[itsgone2]

Why is loneliness so bothersome? It is in absolute loneliness that finding true peace is possible. I envy the people who have nothing left. Close your eyes and you can prerty mjch experience death already. There is not much to live for at that point, not many threads tying you back to earth.

I feel like the problem these days is that no one is actually "lonely". We don't experience true loneliness anymore. We replace it with pornography, film, YouTube, podcasts, audio books.

Maybe if someone isn't depressed they use those things. No I'm truly alone and others on this thread are. It's horrible. Living like this and SI trapping you here. It's a nightmare.

Not trying to argue, I promise, but yes there is such a thing. I hate living in it.

 

[android]

Maybe if someone isn't depressed they use those things. No I'm truly alone and others on this thread are. It's horrible. Living like this and SI trapping you here. It's a nightmare.

Not trying to argue, I promise, but yes there is such a thing. I hate living in it.

At the very least are here. You aren't truly alone. You are interacting with another person. And yes, I know the feeling of being alone is not the same as loneliness. If you really try being alone you may realise that you enjoy it

 

[woodlandcreature]

It is in absolute loneliness that finding true peace is possible.

there is nothing peaceful about it. being alone brings nothing but extreme chaos and noise within yourself.

 

[android]

there is nothing peaceful about it. being alone brings nothing but extreme chaos and noise within yourself.

I don't think you are alone if there is noise within yourself.

How do you know that other people are not noises within yourself?

edit: I am not schizophrenic. That is a rhetorical question. Let me elaborate a bit more. At one point, I delved into some yogic texts. One of the exercises was to enter into some kind of position on your knees and hold it for several hours. You are meant to feel absolute stillness, not a movement within yourself. I always wondered: how is absolute stillness possible? I will always feel the blood beating through my heart and into my circulatory system, moving through my arteries. It occurred to me that stillness was not possible without death. I think that was the whole point of the exercise, actually. To realise that you cannot find stillness, you cannot escape from the noise. There is no quiet to be found in this life, no peace. The person trying to find stillness will not find it. The person trying to find friendship will not find it. The sheer act of trying is failure itself.
It is bleak but I really do feel that this is "how it works". If you try to find absolute loneliness you actually realise that it does not exist. In doing so you realise you are never alone. That is all I mean.

 

[itsgone2]

At the very least are here. You aren't truly alone. You are interacting with another person. And yes, I know the feeling of being alone is not the same as loneliness. If you really try being alone you may realise that you enjoy it

You might think you're being helpful but please stop. No offense. Really I have no issue with you. But leave us to vent. There is no enjoying this.

 

[android]

You might think you're being helpful but please stop. No offense. Really I have no issue with you. But leave us to vent. There is no enjoying this.

sorry, wasn't really trying to help. I thought this is why forums exist: to talk. I wish you suffer well and find the light (or darkness, whatever it may be) on your path.

 

[woodlandcreature]

I don't think you are alone if there is noise within yourself.

How do you know that other people are not noises within yourself?

what other people? all the people i don't interact with on a daily basis? all the people i isolate from?

^i am on my own. by myself. the noises come from within myself. they are apart of my me. influence is not a physical being.

 

[Terrible_Life]

At the very least are here. You aren't truly alone. You are interacting with another person. And yes, I know the feeling of being alone is not the same as loneliness. If you really try being alone you may realise that you enjoy it

You are absolutely no help with this. Yes some people might enjoy being alone but then there are other people who wished to have a life with social interaction, who wished to have friends and a partner but unfortunately terrible things happened to them which shaped their personality and made it impossible for them to have a functioning social life.
I am 26 and when I'm gone I won't leave a a group of friends or a girlfriend who will remember me with a smile in their face, it is as if i was never here as if i was just a ghost.
I wish i had a life where I wouldn't be alone all the time, its exhausting, it makes mental illness symptoms worse.

 

[android]

what other people? all the people i don't interact with on a daily basis? all the people i isolate from?
View attachment 185266
^i am on my own. by myself. the noises come from within myself. they are apart of my me. influence is not a physical being.

That is fair. Also, I am not sure why the things I am saying triggered a reaction. I have not spoken or seen anyone in 2 years. It has been difficult. I'm not saying I think it is fun. I just think that the longer I spend alone the more I realise I don't even know what being alone means. I don't know where "myself" ends or begins and where other people end or begin. I don't know who I am or what makes the thoughts that arise in my own mind differ from the thoughts of another person's mind. To me it's very ambiguous.

By your definition, you are right. Isolating yourself means that you are physically lonely. However, many people are surrounded by others and still consider themselves "lonely". I think the actual definition of lonely is more metaphysical: it's to do not just with how many people you are surrounded by but how you feel in relation to others. If you have a very strong sense of self - i.e. you believe there is no "other" - then it is practically impossible to be lonely.

You are absolutely no help with this. Yes some people might enjoy being alone but then there are other people who wished to have a life with social interaction, who wished to have friends and a partner but unfortunately terrible things happened to them which shaped their personality and made it impossible for them to have a functioning social life.
I am 26 and when I'm gone I won't leave a a group of friends or a girlfriend who will remember me with a smile in their face, it is as if i was never here as if i was just a ghost.
I wish i had a life where I wouldn't be alone all the time, its exhausting, it makes mental illness symptoms worse.

I am sorry, may you find a group of people group of people are here, if that is what you desire. Sending love your way..