Venting I feel a need to be physically punished very often.

[Homulily]

I'm such a fucking failure at life. no job. no friends. not in school. i just rot.
I try to like, talk to people, i go to a group every friday to talk to people but they don't meet up during the summer.
I'm looking for work i just cant find anything. It doesn't help that i can't work jobs related to food because of my eating disorder, just being around food makes me feel anxious.
this all leads to me feeling very anxious since i still live with my parents. i'm trying to get a job. but every day im still here unemployed just on my computer it makes me feel more and more and more like a parasite. I do what i can to help around the house but like, it doesn't feel like enough.

i used to be in a very abusive relationship where my partner would demand that i punish myself if i did something they deemed as a mistake. and even now that i'm out of it I keep doing it because it feels like I need to. sometimes i re-read old messages from them to give myself more motivation to punish myself.

I cut myself often when the anxiety gets really bad, it feels like im doing something good, like i'm punishing myself for being a parasite, like it helps to make up for it.
I miss being a kid. i miss being in school and having people around me. Its not that im an extrovert. but years of isolation makes me yearn for just being in the same room as someone else.
though not as if i'm good enough for that.
why would anybody want to be in the same room as a waste of space like me?

so i just daydream about having friends. I daydream a lot. it makes me feel like im a part of a close friend group and it makes me feel loved. its pathetic of me I know but its comforting. i daydream about going on adventures and getting into various different scenarios with friends.
but eventually i have to come down from daydreaming and then its back to just, being isolated.
Its been like this for awhile now. I hate it.
probably going to punish myself after writing this to help me calm down, it feels like there is a very tight pressure on my chest pushing down against me.

 

[fleetingnight]

I get the feeling. It's easy to start thinking like this, and hard to stop. No matter how many rational reasons I find that say hurting myself won't help, I still can't believe it.

I'm sorry somebody else reenforced that in you. It's horrible to take advantage of a thing like that, no matter what wrong or so-called "wrong" thing the person did