Today I have watched an interview with an author with repeating depressive episodes. I had not time for the whole interview but I will watch it soon. She said she is very well aware that there will be good and bad times. That her illness repeats in cycles. I am so fucking anxious about that notion. I am bipolar this could also count for me. I think bipolar often proceeds in circles.
This makes me horribly anxious. I can't endure more rock bottoms. I felt extremely bad at rock bottom. My therapists were all shocked how depressive and obsessed with killing oneself a person can be. The pain was on an objective pain scale I would say either a 9 or 10. And this extreme pain lasted 6 months. It got a little bit less after half a year but I still felt very depressed/ in pain for another 2 years. The most horrible was the psychosomatic pain I am still pretty traumatized by it. It felt like I was torn apart. I felt it in my feeds. It was extremely painful and torturous. If I could make a tradeoff never getting this psychosomatic pain again but in exchange I had to live with major depression for the rest of my life. I might would agree to it. There were periods I really wished I could sign a contract like that.
I think my suicidality has an inner logic. The more times I experience rock bottom the more suicidal and determined I will become. I noticed this effect. I was way more acute suicidal after my second psychosis than after my first one. My plans were way more detailed. And I also notice that my suicide plans in case I get a third psychosis are way way more detailed than in the past. I think I barely can survive more rock bottoms. I feel really forced to kill myself. This psychosomatic pain is so insane. Maybe another metaphor. Maybe it feels like someone pulls of your skin. Not sure how accurate this comparison is. Maybe it is rather a condition where you would like to pull your own skin off because you feel so uncomfortable in pain.
Rock bottom was for me really extremely intensive and dense. I talked with my therapist 24/7 that I want to kill myself. That I don't want and cannot endure that pain any longer. I think if my parents were dead I would not have gone to clinics. Instead I might have killed myself already. This pain is accompanied with extreme racing thoughts which rain down on me. I had no protection nothing helped. There is this off-chance lamotrigine might help against this psychosomatic pain but this is nothing more than a theory for now. I try not to gamble with that speculation.
There is this real dilemma. I try to recover and try to find a way how to work or study. I need a stable income in order to survive. But going to collge clearly makes me a little bit manic. I try to find the balance. Showing some manic symptoms is not that horrible. The catastrophe would be getting a manic episode. This is all so dangerous and extremely difficult. My therapist supports me as good as possbile, But soon we have no more therapy appoinments.
The pressure is huge. Because in case I make a huge mistake I might have to kill myself soon. Then there is also the problem of addiction. I need some addictive medication in order to go to college. Otherwise I would get a manic episode.
I think words are not enough to describe the hell of rock bottom. I am so fucking anxious that this pain returns. I try to play the cards as good as possible. Maybe I can achieve for like 10 years a stable condition. I honestly doubt that a lot. But some people in my self-help group have achieved that. Maybe the poverty I am always scared about will not be my main problem. Maybe I will never experience poverty in case I kill myself instead due to this traumatizing pain. Maybe in the near future? Who knows. I can say for sure I am scared already.
This makes me horribly anxious. I can't endure more rock bottoms. I felt extremely bad at rock bottom. My therapists were all shocked how depressive and obsessed with killing oneself a person can be. The pain was on an objective pain scale I would say either a 9 or 10. And this extreme pain lasted 6 months. It got a little bit less after half a year but I still felt very depressed/ in pain for another 2 years. The most horrible was the psychosomatic pain I am still pretty traumatized by it. It felt like I was torn apart. I felt it in my feeds. It was extremely painful and torturous. If I could make a tradeoff never getting this psychosomatic pain again but in exchange I had to live with major depression for the rest of my life. I might would agree to it. There were periods I really wished I could sign a contract like that.
I think my suicidality has an inner logic. The more times I experience rock bottom the more suicidal and determined I will become. I noticed this effect. I was way more acute suicidal after my second psychosis than after my first one. My plans were way more detailed. And I also notice that my suicide plans in case I get a third psychosis are way way more detailed than in the past. I think I barely can survive more rock bottoms. I feel really forced to kill myself. This psychosomatic pain is so insane. Maybe another metaphor. Maybe it feels like someone pulls of your skin. Not sure how accurate this comparison is. Maybe it is rather a condition where you would like to pull your own skin off because you feel so uncomfortable in pain.
Rock bottom was for me really extremely intensive and dense. I talked with my therapist 24/7 that I want to kill myself. That I don't want and cannot endure that pain any longer. I think if my parents were dead I would not have gone to clinics. Instead I might have killed myself already. This pain is accompanied with extreme racing thoughts which rain down on me. I had no protection nothing helped. There is this off-chance lamotrigine might help against this psychosomatic pain but this is nothing more than a theory for now. I try not to gamble with that speculation.
There is this real dilemma. I try to recover and try to find a way how to work or study. I need a stable income in order to survive. But going to collge clearly makes me a little bit manic. I try to find the balance. Showing some manic symptoms is not that horrible. The catastrophe would be getting a manic episode. This is all so dangerous and extremely difficult. My therapist supports me as good as possbile, But soon we have no more therapy appoinments.
The pressure is huge. Because in case I make a huge mistake I might have to kill myself soon. Then there is also the problem of addiction. I need some addictive medication in order to go to college. Otherwise I would get a manic episode.
I think words are not enough to describe the hell of rock bottom. I am so fucking anxious that this pain returns. I try to play the cards as good as possible. Maybe I can achieve for like 10 years a stable condition. I honestly doubt that a lot. But some people in my self-help group have achieved that. Maybe the poverty I am always scared about will not be my main problem. Maybe I will never experience poverty in case I kill myself instead due to this traumatizing pain. Maybe in the near future? Who knows. I can say for sure I am scared already.
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