synthcadia
dissociated angel.
- Jul 8, 2023
- 279
i am now at rock bottom
because i didn't think it could get worse, but it did.
context: i have been diagnosed for dissociation (derealization and i think depersonalization) + DID + working on BPD.
an alter told my friend "hey we have bpd, here is a discord server" and he was a little responsive. then after 5 days, he says, "thank you for trusting me and sharing your experience. i do appreciate it. i've just realized i don't have the emotional energy to continue staying in touch. wishing you the best going forward."
and so my heart is crushed and i've had a fever since friday.
and so now i am at rock bottom. because no matter what i do, it always sucks. it always hurts.
so my plan is this: reach out when i am in china, as an olive branch. (he has not unadded me anywhere else.) and then go from there.
it just sucks because this made me spiral. i wanted to yell at him, beg him to let me be his friend, ignore him, destroy his reputation, defend him, etc. i hate it. i think i'm still coping with the loss.
cause i just want to be his friend. i didn't think i was being emotionally taxing…
i just wanted my friend… especially since we were talking more…
it just hurts.
this isn't the first time this has happened, since in the past he had expressed a similar boundary (and i tried to respect it).
i just hate this. i HATE THIS.
i have a feeling we will be friends again, but this just solidifies my plans. i can't see myself past the age of 40.
because i didn't think it could get worse, but it did.
context: i have been diagnosed for dissociation (derealization and i think depersonalization) + DID + working on BPD.
an alter told my friend "hey we have bpd, here is a discord server" and he was a little responsive. then after 5 days, he says, "thank you for trusting me and sharing your experience. i do appreciate it. i've just realized i don't have the emotional energy to continue staying in touch. wishing you the best going forward."
and so my heart is crushed and i've had a fever since friday.
and so now i am at rock bottom. because no matter what i do, it always sucks. it always hurts.
so my plan is this: reach out when i am in china, as an olive branch. (he has not unadded me anywhere else.) and then go from there.
it just sucks because this made me spiral. i wanted to yell at him, beg him to let me be his friend, ignore him, destroy his reputation, defend him, etc. i hate it. i think i'm still coping with the loss.
cause i just want to be his friend. i didn't think i was being emotionally taxing…
i just wanted my friend… especially since we were talking more…
it just hurts.
this isn't the first time this has happened, since in the past he had expressed a similar boundary (and i tried to respect it).
i just hate this. i HATE THIS.
i have a feeling we will be friends again, but this just solidifies my plans. i can't see myself past the age of 40.
