That's Not Me
A cork on the ocean floating over the raging sea
- Sep 14, 2022
- 108
I was going to kill myself yesterday 12 PM but I just couldn't do it. I think the main reason for that is that the hotel was overbooked and I couldn't handle the idea that I would ruin the morning for so many people. Even in my death I couldn't disassociate myself from what others think of me. After convincing myself that I couldn't do it, I went through the worst hours of my life. I based my last 8 months on that moment and failed. I didn't know how I was going to get out of the hell hole I put myself in. I have been through a lot, but at no other time have I felt so deeply alone. At that moment I had nothing and no one to support me. For many months I have had no one, but at that moment I didn't have the music that comforted me, the lies that I had leaned on, nor the people here on the forum that I had told I was going to die, and not even death, that I thought I could count on. The thoughts started screaming in my head and I couldn't sleep. I didn't know where I was going to dump all the mess I had made or what excuses I was going to make to justify myself. I should have studied for a test that was due today and I didn't because I thought I was going to die and saw no point in studying. I had thought about the possibility that they would find me in time to resuscitate me and I would be hospitalized and at least I would have an excuse to back up my lies, but I hadn't thought about the possibility that I wouldn't make it and that was a mistake. I would suddenly have to take care of things that I hadn't even considered. I wasn't sure if I had put my mouth to the SN solution and by this point I had cancelled the scheduled emails I had made, and if I died accidentally my parents wouldn't even get the letters I had prepared. I wasn't sure if the cancellation worked either, so maybe my letters would arrive with me alive. Sometimes I was trying to sleep and got up in desperation to turn on the lights to see if I wasn't changing color or if my heart wasn't beating slower. I tried to record an audio to calm myself and organize my thoughts, but I had reset my cell phone and no longer had the audio recording app. It was difficult, but I finally managed to sleep. The next day I packed all my junk into a bag. I decided that I would need to throw everything in a trash can outside the room, so I went downstairs for coffee and looked at all the trash cans in the hotel that I could throw it in. When I went down for breakfast I looked at all the kids that would have looked at a dead body if I had succeeded. I was on the 2nd floor of the 3rd tower, and the elevators were too small to fit a stretcher. I had no idea how the paramedics were going to get me out of there. I couldn't eat properly. I went back up to the room and at the last moment decided that I would take the pot of SN out of the bag, because it was hard to obtain. I had put it there at a time when I really had no idea what would happen to me, but I was afraid that if my notes really hadn't been canceled someone might search my backpack and I would have to come up with more explanations, but since it was past the scheduled time and everything seemed fine I decided that no one would look there. I went back down and threw the bag in a trashcan in the hotel lobby where no one was looking. I asked my mother to pick me up and I guess I couldn't disguise that something was wrong. She realized and didn't ask too many questions when I told her that I wouldn't be going to the exam. When I got home I put the SN back in the same place as before, took some pills and went to sleep. After I woke up my mom asked me a lot of questions, including if I did something stupid, but I think I succeeded in making excuses. Anyway, I plan to try again somewhere else. Thanks to everyone who gave me confidence yesterday, but I failed.
