Venting I failed this morning :(

[AntisocialGG]

After this attempt i see why they say you should keep away the things you can use to CTB. I think it might be honestly helpful because everyday i see myself as someone impulsive more and more. I honestly just don't feel like a human right now, i just felt like a robot today doing everyday things, faking the emotions, avoiding the people that told me to get tf away from them. Things a logical me would do. My classes feel extremely easy for some reason, everything seems logical and easy. But when i think about 1 or 2 weeks from now i don't imagine myself there, i see it like a far date, as if they were talking about 5 years from now. I just want someone to talk about all this without bothering them to talk about it with my family and won't judge me at the same time. That someone doesn't exist sadly.

If anyone wondering my CTB method, it's ligature strangulation. i used a constrictor knot but couldn't get the right pressure on the carotid. I think with something there i might be able to, which i was able to confirm using 2 lighters, but i didn't use them this morning. And honestly felt too disappointed to even try.

 

[Kurwenal]

I'm sorry for your disappointment. It is a unique feeling, having embraced the idea that you are about to die, and then not ending up dead. It is not a feeling I would wish on others.

You mentioned that you want someone to talk about all this with. You are welcome to PM me if you so desire. I can't promise that I'll have anything helpful to say, but I'll listen and try to understand your pain. If that is something that could help you in any way, please feel free to reach out.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm sorry to hear you're plan didn't go as you expected. I've had a few failed attempts abd waking up alive is a horrible experience! It difficult to finally make the decision to ctb. You do all the planning and are emotionally ready to go. I use to write goodbye notes and everything. The "last day" was always my happiest day ever. What people fail to realize that a failed ctb attempt is devastating. It's ab emotionally roller coaster. I definitely understand how you feel.

I also feel like a robot. I go about life pretending I'm "nornal," there is no alternative.

So how are you feeling now? Are you in pain from your failed attempt? How are you coping with continuing to go on?

I guess my suggestions for you would be to keep busy. I see you're in school which is great, it gives your mind a rest. I think it would be a great idea to talk to people who have failed attempts and share your feelings. A failed attempt isn't simply another day. I'm always here if you want to chat

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

Life feels so much different when you've accepted you are going to be gone.

 

[AntisocialGG]

So how are you feeling now? Are you in pain from your failed attempt? How are you coping with continuing to go on?

I'm sorry for your disappointment. It is a unique feeling, having embraced the idea that you are about to die, and then not ending up dead. It is not a feeling I would wish on others.

Well thanks. Both of you wanted to help and really did. Surprisingly after the attempt i felt better, i don't know how to explain the feeling but i think it's just SSRI working. Suddenly i was enjoying class, being with my friends, and just being alive. Part of it it's because my psychologist said i should stop ruminating (giving me a technique as well) and i think it's working. I've been seriously struggling with my daily stuff like making my bed, or getting out of bed, or brushing my teeth, but i enjoy being here, especially when i am not thinking about anything and just being there. It might be depersonalization or me just enjoying everything after i accepted that i wouldn't be there to experience that. Pain will come back, and i know it, i am currently waiting and hoping that my psychologist can help me get through all this mess (my brain / myself).

Final message: thanks for answering and offering to PM.