Story I dreamed last night that I was diagnosed with cancer. Woke up to find my mum drinking (again)

[-autisticSunflower]

It was actually nice and I wish I could give my life to those who are dying and want to be alive. The only person I have left is my mum who is 64 years old alcoholic and is having to literally fight with me to prevent me leaving the house because of me having meltdowns. I feel like I am a baby in an adults body but with a good amount of intelligence, just not the neurotypical intelligence. During meltdowns I get so stuck that in severe ones I end up pissing myself and throwing up. I'm so terrified about my future as there is no plan forward and I feel so beaten down and traumatised by the past few years particularly that I would be better not existing. I cried when waking up and realising that it was just a dream however hoping I catch some illness soon. Even though my mum is supporting me, because I feel so out of control and vulnerable, I feel at the moment like a child stuck trying to navigate an adult world. I am scared to sleep because when I wake up again I feel immediate dread that I am back to my struggles again. Screaming, hitting myself and pissing myself accidentally in front of my mum all due to massive meltdowns in conjunction with cries for help and not being able to speak during the meltdowns, I have no hope. I am in the middle of an autism and adhd assessment.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing really can be torture and it must be so awful having to suffer to such an extreme extent. I get that it can be horrible having to experience so much dread for the future. It's understandable wishing to die from an illness as after all, that would mean that we wouldn't have to struggle in finding a way to leave this world and we would have the relief of knowing that we will die soon. Those who die certainly are lucky to me.