Help I don't want to live but I'm scared to die

[firecat66]

The day is coming and I'm so fucking scared. I've wanted to die for a very long time, and life has continued to get worse and worse. I have learned more and more about myself, a lot of things I am so happy to understand now but understanding is only that. Some of them are just problems that have been identified, that are still ruining my life, and I can't do anything about them. I have no friends and no family. The last time I tried to reach out for someone desperately for help they told me all the problems I face, even mental and physical, are my own fault and coming to church with them is the only way to fix them and save myself.

I give up.

I have tried over and over and failed each time and I'm so mentally worn out now. I give up. I can't function like the average person, I can barely take care of myself anymore, and nobody cares. That was the hardest thing I had to swallow. The fact that no one cares. I'm going to kill myself in a few days and no one cares. They will care afterward, maybe. They will care about the mess and inconvenience. Nobody gives a shit that I am alive. That really fucking hurts. It's not even an exaggeration, I don't have any friends, and the only "family" I have are truly evil people that I want nothing to do with, and since I won't bow down and kiss their feet, they shun me. I got dealt a bit of a shitty hand of cards, and I don't have the strength or mental fortitude to make anything out of it. I give up.

I'm pretty much out of money now. My health is failing me pretty hard as is my mental health. I'm going insane. Even if I wasn't about to lose my place of living without a solution in 10 days, I'm pretty sure homelessness is the only future I have. I'm not okay, I need help, and I can't get it. I live in a shitty place, a shitty society, full of shitty people who think mental health problems are moral failures.

I have enough money to buy a gun. I'm going to buy one, and shoot myself.

I am so fucking scared. I have seen a lot of shit, and I am so fucking scared of doing it. I'm so scared it might not work, I'm so scared of the feelings I will or may have despite the fact it will all be over anyway. The deepest part of my subconscious is terrified. I want to die so badly, I know that my life is pretty much over anyway and there's nothing I can do. Infinite suffering is all my future holds and I can't do it. I've been so fucking miserable for so long, the only option I have is to fucking end myself. I'm so fucking scared. I have a vivid imagination and it has not shied away from considering the possibilities I'm opening up by doing this.

I've been struggling to sleep and eat. I've been pouring as much time as I can into my art because it's the only purpose I feel anymore, and it's not like a single fucking person on this entire shitty planet will even give a fuck about any of the things I made after I'm gone. It will just become lost on electronic waste. Memories in the mind of a dead person.

I don't want to experience dying. I want to be dead. I am so fucking scared. I don't know what else I can do... there is just no hope and no solution. Life isn't a fairytale, very few people get happy endings or get to be actually happy... and the majority of them are the richest and most evil ones. The world is going to shit, will there even be one worth living in?? I'm scared to live in the place I currently live, and it's only getting worse. I wish miracles were real.

 

[hippiedeath]

I bought a shotgun. It feels good knowing it's right there if I want it. Anytime I like, I can do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[Mooseanonsky]

I'm scared too. I keep thinking how there's nothing there after death. What would it feel like to cease to exist? It's terrifying, and yet I'd feel some relief now that I'm dead and gone.

Will SN be painful? Vomiting scares me because it hurts. There's so many what ifs, the biggest fear is surviving. God knows what state you'll be in after an attempt.

Shooting is risky, your concerns are totally valid.

Spend as much time as possible doing what you love. Maybe post your art online, so it won't be a waste?

The world sucks, you're right about that. But know this: you're not alone. Whoever reads your post will wish you nothing but peace, whatever decision you make.

I hope you'll find peace and happiness, OP.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Death is nothing to fear. It's the potential pain of death that scares most people. Myself included.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid my last moments will be excruciating and chaotic, instead of peaceful with real goodbyes like we could have if the govs of the world didn't withhold it from us.

 

[Ligottian]

It's been too hard living/But I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there/Beyond the sky

Sam Cook,- "A Change is Gonna Come" (1964)

 

[firecat66]

Death is nothing to fear. It's the potential pain of death that scares most people. Myself included.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid my last moments will be excruciating and chaotic, instead of peaceful with real goodbyes like we could have if the govs of the world didn't withhold it from us.

This. I'm scared of the last moments, I'm scared of failing. My life is over, there is no happiness or any hope ahead of me anymore, but I'm not ready. I don't know what to do other than finally end the suffering.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

This. I'm scared of the last moments, I'm scared of failing. My life is over, there is no happiness or any hope ahead of me anymore, but I'm not ready. I don't know what to do other than finally end the suffering.

You do what you have to do for yourself. I'm in the same boat, all future roads of my life all lead to an early death and a life wasted. Either I'll suicide, diabetes will get me. Or I'll be legislatively eliminated by my government.

No matter what, I am going die well before I'm old. And that it's going to be a long. Slow painful death.

I'm struggling to accept that because there is nothing I can do to change it. Other people are going to decide if I live or die. I fucking hate that.

 

[NegevChina]

My biggest fear is failure. I have a method that is considered peaceful, got all the equipment, Nitrogen + Exit bag, I've made sure everything is properly planned, but I'm afraid something will go wrong and I'll be left in a much worse condition unable to CTB.

 

[failedmind]

I understand. My method is SN which I fully believe won't fail if I follow protocol but I'm scared. I'm scared of the 10+ minutes it'll take for me to fall unconscious. I'm also terrified of throwing up which is basically guaranteed with my method. Also thoughts of, will I regret it? Will I call for help and then have to be forced into a psych ward? Will I be scared? Will I be in pain? How will it feel? I hope I can just suck it up and get the courage soon because I'm tired. But I know the feeling, it fucking sucks

 

[idiotmother]

My biggest fear is failure. I have a method that is considered peaceful, got all the equipment, Nitrogen + Exit bag, I've made sure everything is properly planned, but I'm afraid something will go wrong and I'll be left in a much worse condition unable to CTB.

I feel like this is the best method, the set up is so complicated though. Being able to just breathe in something and then pass out is enviable.

 

[NegevChina]

I feel like this is the best method, the set up is so complicated though. Being able to just breathe in something and then pass out is enviable.

I also think its best, people that experimented with it described a pleasent lightheaded feeling before passing out as falling in deep sleep. This makes me look forward to doing it so much because i havent felt the good feeling of good sleep for years now. I use sleeping pills and sleep is so low quality and unsatisfying, and ive got no energy when waking up. I wake up tired, have no energy for the rest of the day and at night cant fall asleep again. I think the good feeling off passing out will help me survive my SI. Its so worth the effort of getting the right setup.

 

[Daphne]

We're in the same boat. I have exhausted my savings and am now officially broke. I can't pay rent next month so I have homelessness to look forward to. No social supports who can lend a hand.

I did 12-step groups and church meetings all last year hoping to connect with people and get some help. Mostly a waste of time. Learned what the pastor and bible says to do is not what the congregation does, like you know, help people. Guess my expectations are too high.

Totally get survivor instinct, I think we all have it. Posting my problems here helps though as I see in writing how f*cked I am.

Peace.

 

[idiotmother]

I also think its best, people that experimented with it described a pleasent lightheaded feeling before passing out as falling in deep sleep. This makes me look forward to doing it so much because i havent felt the good feeling of good sleep for years now. I use sleeping pills and sleep is so low quality and unsatisfying, and ive got no energy when waking up. I wake up tired, have no energy for the rest of the day and at night cant fall asleep again. I think the good feeling off passing out will help me survive my SI. Its so worth the effort of getting the right setup.

I think it's a really scary feeling to not be in control of your sleep. It's a basic function and to have it manipulated and screwed up is just freaky in my opinion. I also depend on drugs and I hate it, it's the reason I want to ctb. Feels like I can't safely get off of them. Tried coming off one and ended up adding another, which affects sleep, so I won't be able to sleep without it. If I could figure out the gas method, had the money and space for it, I would do it.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I can't live, but I can't die either.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I relate to your fear, your history and your financial situation. I have major panic attacks as the time draws closer to becoming homeless. It's so hard when your life is in the hands of those who use you and would like to see you dead. I've got things in order. I try not to think about it 24/7, but its diffucult. I fear not knowing, but not knowing is better than knowing only pain and suffering. I like to think that when the day comes, though I will be terrified, I will also find some peace and solace in knowing that I dont have to suffer anymore. I saw my mother die of cancer. It is often not a peaceful process anyway.

Church can be helpful. I dont fear death as much as I would without my faith. Also my church does have homes for abused and homeless people. They are good homes too. I just choose not to go there because I'm older and have nothing to live for. I think another person deserves a place there more than me, perhaps someone with children or family of their own.

 

[Snowpoke]

I don't think you should be afraid of dying. It's a natural process. Every living thing will die. You're just speeding up the process. Back decades. When you consider that the universe and human history span thousands or millions of years, that sounds like a very short timeframe. What's truly fearful is achieving CTB. I certainly don't want to influence you on suicide. I just wanted to remind you that death is a natural process.

 

[SadCryingBunny]

Don't you have access to social security to fund your living? If you go to a mental hospital and say you're suicidal, you should be offered some financial help or place to stay. If you still insist on dying, the most peaceful painless method is inhaling nitrogen gas from a scuba face mask setup. You can have a nice meal and drink, inhale the gas and fall asleep to nature sounds in your bed. I hope it doesn't come to that. I wish you all the best.